all 48 surprise song duos from the european leg of the eras tour ranked
I said I thought The Tortured Poets Department was going to suck, and I was correct to an extent that I’m not used to being correct. Because all signs pointed to it sucking. The album title, the tracklist, the four (how naïve I was!) different variants, the tracklist, the tracklist… And while I did think it would suck, I crucially also thought I’d accidentally end up liking it a little bit. I hated Midnights, but then Midnights had a secret good twenty-first song on the Target exclusive edition that made the preceding twenty bad songs almost worth it. I made fun of The Tortured Poets Department in the weeks leading up to its release like I didn’t think there was a significant chance of Spotify murdering me in December, like, “Your top song of 2024 IS: ‘Fresh Out the Slammer’ by Taylor Swift.”
BUT NO. The first sixteen songs came out, and I listened to them at midnight, several iced coffees deep, and was like, “Bullshit, bullshit, derivative…” and it was so freeing. It was so awesome to hate all these songs in a boring way, where I knew I’d forget them immediately, because they all just sounded like Jack Antonoff falling asleep on a synthesizer while Taylor Swift read him her most embarrassing Tumblr drafts. I was straight-up cackling as I added song after song to my Taylor Swift C Major Industrial Complex playlist. It was like a parody of a Taylor Swift album. And then I did the same thing all over again the next morning with The Anthology. And then I got one of the worst colds I have ever had in my entire life. I do not know what the fuck its damage was, this cold. I wasted like, seven covid tests because I was convinced it was no ordinary cold – that it was some sort of tortured poets variant, if you will – but they were all negative. It was just some sort of suspiciously timed giga-cold. This album was so bad it made me physically ill.
So bad, in fact, that you may catch me extending grace and kindness toward surprise songs from my detested Midnights, which are at least bad in an interesting way. I couldn’t tell you “Cassandra” from “Peter” from “Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus”, but I’ll probably have “Vigilante Shit” stuck in my head when I die. God help me if she releases an even worse album next time, and I start yearning for the likes of “But Daddy I Love Him.”
The Tortured Poets Department has knocked several good songs from prior albums off the regular concert setlist, so I would like to welcome to the fray: “The Archer”, “Long Live”, “The 1”, “The Last Great American Dynasty”, “’Tis the Damn Season”, and “Tolerate It”! And to keep things fresh, I am introducing a new dimension to this ranking called C MAJOR WATCH, where if (the studio version of) a surprise song is in C major, (or A minor) I’m going to put a © next to it so we can all POINT AND LAUGH.
Also! Remember how impossible it’s been for Taylor Swift to cobble together a set of surprise songs that I would deem worthy of the #1 spot on these rankings? Well, now she has thirty-one more bad songs to dodge. To quote 2024’s actual queen of pop, GOOD LUCK, BABE.
#48: “Us” + “Out of the Woods”© (feat. “Is It Over Now?”© and “Clean”) (London, Night Three)
I’ve been pondering where it truly went wrong for me and Taylor Swift, and I think I can trace The Problems directly back to “Out of the Woods.” I mean, the true issue is her stale, unchallenging collaboration with Jack Antonoff, but that was the very first song they wrote and produced together, and I… hated it. I still do! I don’t know who thought fucking yodeling was a good intro (probably someone whose name rhymes with either sailor rift or hack phantom cough) The bridge is rapid word salad that gives you zero time to absorb the lyrics before the irritatingly repetitive chorus resumes interrogating you about your hiking trip – such bridges have since become the norm. As has the key of C major.
But people liked “Out of the Woods”? Like, a lot? So Antonoff stayed on as a producer and cowriter of roughly half the songs on Reputation, including “Getaway Car.” Which is just “Out of the Woods” with a key change. And a vocoder instead of yodeling. No improvement by my impossible standards, but people liked “Getaway Car” even more than “Out of the Woods”, so Antonoff continued to stick around, and Lover has like, five “Out of the Woods”s. The kicker? Only one of them was written with Antonoff.
Critics like to blame the quality decline in Taylor Swift’s recent output entirely on Jack Antonoff, but she’s clearly just as fond of this recycled soundscape as he is. They don’t even construct introductions out of questionable voice modulation that often anymore. Half the time it’s just the tonic chord (usually C major, the easiest scale to play on a keyboard) on a synthesizer, reverb generously applied. They’re finally getting flak for it from serious music critics, but not enough that I foresee any major stylistic changes come next album. We are not out of the woods.
Also. If I paid out the ass (or arse, as they say over there) to see Taylor Swift in concert, the absolute last thing I would want is for her to invite her nepo baby lackey onstage to perform the bad song they wrote together.
#47: “Fresh Out the Slammer” (feat. “You Are In Love”) + “Ivy” (feat. “Call It What You Want” (Munich, Night One)
“Ivy” + “Call It What You Want” was a combo she played last year in Cincinnati, (back when God was still listening) and I was not kind to it because I hate “Call It What You Want.” And now I have to shaft “Ivy” again, because I hate “You Are In Love” even more! “Fresh Out the Slammer” is the song equivalent of when Jacksfilms went to the Santa Monica Pier and asked people to name any character from James Cameron’s Avatar. Like, recite to me right now any lyric from Taylor Swift’s “Fresh Out the Slammer”, from her eleventh studio album The Tortured Poets Department. I will Venmo you a dollar. I will Venmo you five dollars if you can sing it accurately.
#46: “imgonnagetyouback” (feat. “Dress”©) + “You Are In Love” (feat. “Cowboy Like Me”©) (Amsterdam, Night Two)
See above. Literally just see above. A dollar for a lyric, five for a melody. And no, you cannot use Olivia Rodrigo’s “Get Him Back!”
#45: “I Forgot That You Existed” (feat. “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”) + “I Hate It Here” (feat. “The Lakes”) (Cardiff)
These songs are so lucky “The Lakes” is here to keep them out of the bottom slot. I don’t care what stupid bullshit was happening with Scooter Braun; the guitar songs here are just too petty to enjoy, and gluing them together is… well, maybe they deserve each other, actually. “I Hate It Here” (the one with the infamous 1830s lyric – which she didn’t include here) is a hysterically funny song to play during the only show in Cardiff. You know she got in her private jet afterwards and immediately flew to London (a £57 train ride of less than two hours).
#44: “Everything Has Changed” (feat. “End Game”© and “Thinking Out Loud”) + “King of My Heart”© (feat. “The Alchemy”©) (London, Night Four)
I don’t like Ed Sheeran. I don’t like any of Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran’s collaborations. But I respect his audacity to get onstage in 2024 and perform his terrible “End Game” rap for 90,000 people.
#43: “Is It Over Now?”© (feat. “Out of the Woods”©) + “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”© (Paris, Night Two)
If Taylor Swift hates the “Is It Over Now?” bridge this much, why did she not simply write a different bridge?
#42: “Glitch” (feat. “End Game”©) + “Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus”© (Lyon, Night Two)
When the ED SHEERAN COLLAB is the best song present…
Okay, I feel like I should stop here and clarify that I do not hate Taylor Swift…’s music. It takes more than two bad albums in a row to negate my enjoyment of the two good ones that came before. Four re-recordings inferior to the originals (with largely unremarkable vault tracks) are not enough to extinguish nostalgic fondness. I don’t hate Taylor Swift the person either, though Taylor Swift the human brand makes it difficult sometimes. But this article and its predecessors were not born of pure, uncomplicated hatred. If not for the tiny ember of Swiftieism left in my cold, dead heart, you and I could both be doing something better with our time.
#41: “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever”© (feat. “imgonnagetyouback”) + “LOML”© (feat. “Don’t You”) (Munich, Night Two)
I think “Don’t You” deserves better, don’t you?
#40: “Superstar” (feat. “Invisible String”) + ““Slut!”” (feat. “False God”) (Gelsenkirchen, Night One)
If you tasked me with thinking up the absolute worst case scenario mashups, and I couldn’t include any songs from Midnights or Tortured Poets, this is probably what I’d hand in.
#39: “The Alchemy”© (feat. “Treacherous”) + “Begin Again” (feat. “Paris” (Paris, Night Four)
Paris was the first stop, and it took her four shows to resume the mashups in earnest, which I thought we were past. I thought perhaps maybe there didn’t need to be mashups anymore, because there were like seven hundred Tortured Poets Department songs to debut. I thought that might’ve cured Taylor Swift’s boredom with her own discography, which she is voluntarily touring. I am not opposed to mashups. I’m not. I’m that asshole who will get into your car and obnoxiously sing pop songs over other pop songs to prove what a musical genius I think I am. But I can’t say I’d do that if I were GETTING PAID TO SING MY OWN SONGS! Let these things stand on their own merits, Jesus Christ.
Also, performing “Paris” in Paris once is cute. Twice is… let’s move on.
#38: “Guilty as Sin?” + “Say Don’t Go” (feat. “Welcome to New York” and “Clean”) (Stockholm, Night Two)
Apparently, the eighty-ninth show of the tour warranted a 1989 mashup. Curiously, the nineteenth show did not, but whatever. “Guilty As Sin?” is… well, it’s not in C.
#37: “Paris” + “LOML”© (Paris, Night One)
I am not going to fault Taylor Swift for performing a song called “Paris” at her first show in Paris. What I am going to fault her for is writing a song called “Paris” that fucking sucks. Like, even more than the Tortured Poets song she paired it with.
#36: “The Albatross” (feat. “Dancing With Our Hands Tied”) + “This Love” (feat. “Ours”©) (Dublin, Night Two)
Snore.
#35: “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” (feat. “I Can See You”) + “Red” (feat. “Maroon”) (Warsaw, Night Two)
Oh my god. Just because the titles go together…
#34: “The Tortured Poets Department”© (feat. “Now That We Don’t Talk”©) + “You’re On Your Own, Kid” (feat. “Long Live”) (Lisbon, Night Two)
Guys, I think I like “You’re On Your Own, Kid” now. I rewatched the stupid goddamn Eras Tour movie when they put it on stupid goddamn Disney Plus, and I experienced what some might liken to an emotion? The surprise song pair from the concert film did not happen in real life; the entire thing is spliced footage from the first three shows in Inglewood, and it would’ve placed higher on my initial ranking than any of the actual filmed shows did. It’s something about the juxtaposition of her ninth grade talent show piece, “Our Song”, and the “You’re On Your Own, Kid” lyric, “I play my songs in the parking lot.” Good shit. Pairing it with main setlist casualty “Long Live” is as thematically cohesive as one of these mashups is going to get.
(I also rewatched Billie Eilish and Olivia Rodrigo’s respective Disney Plus original concert films – Happier Than Ever: A Love Letter to Los Angeles and Driving Home 2 U: A Sour Film – and the mouse fucking censored them. They wouldn’t let Billie Eilish say fuck in “Happier Than Ever” from Happier Than Ever! Olivia Rodrigo had to be like, “It’s like we never even happened, baby, what the fffffff…?” in “Good 4 U.” Taylor Swift herself got muted in 2020’s Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions. SO IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I sat down and put on Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) like the bootlicker I am, and ALL THE FUCKS WERE THERE! CLEAR AS DAY! SO SCARLET THEY WERE MAROON!)
#33: “Guilty as Sin?” (feat. “Untouchable”) + “The Archer”© (feat. “Question…?”©) (Amsterdam, Night One)
HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO “UNTOUCHABLE????” IT’S NOT EVEN HER SONG!
#32: “Thank You Aimee” (feat. “Mean”) + “Castles Crumbling” (London, Night Two)
You! With your cringe-ass songs and your endless grudge and your outdated diss tracks, you! Defiling a masterpiece over some shit from 2016, you! Could’ve left this trash in the vault ’til you redo Reputation, you! Are such an embarrassment.
Don’t even give a shit about Kim Kardashiaaaaan, but I fear I must point out that shit was really Kanye’s fault, and he’s a fucking Nazi now, so why doesn’t he get a song?
SOOOMEDAY I’LLLL BE LIVING A BARREN WASTELAND, AAAAND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF TAYLOR SWIFT. SOOOMEDAY I’LLLL DIE IN A FLOOD OR WILDFIRE, AAAAND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF TAYLOR SWIFT. Why she gotta do this shit?
#31: “Mirrorball” (feat. “Clara Bow”) + “Suburban Legends”© (feat. “New Year’s Day”©) (Warsaw, Night One)
…God dammit, “Mirrorball” and “Clara Bow” is a really good idea for a mashup. Sonically. Sonically. “Clara Bow” got a better thematic partner in Dublin, as you’ll soon see.
#30: “This Is What You Came For”© (feat. “Gold Rush”) + “The Great War” (feat. “You’re Losing Me”©) (Liverpool, Night Two)
What the fuck.
#29: “Clara Bow” (feat. “The Lucky One”) + “You’re On Your Own, Kid” (Dublin, Night Three)
A marginally less blasphemous mashup than “MirrorBow.” If I were Stevie Nicks I would’ve requested like, a good song.
#28: “I Think He Knows” (feat. “Gorgeous”©) + “Peter”© (Stockholm, Night One)
Aw, I really like “I Think He Knows!” And… I really like “I Think He Knows.”
#27: “Our Song” (feat. “Jump Then Fall”) + “King of My Heart”© (Madrid, Night Two)
Oh, to be free of Midnights, Tortured Poets, and vault tracks for just one night. I don’t even like “King of My Heart”, but Reputation is only the third-worst Taylor Swift album at this point. I have no choice but to stan. (I am gritting my teeth so hard right now I think they’re going to break.)
#26: “Death By a Thousand Cuts” (feat. “Getaway Car”©) + “So Long London” (London, Night Eight)
You know I love “Death By a Thousand Cuts”, but dare I say it’s getting a little old…? It doesn’t help that she jumpscared me the crowd with Jack Antonoff.
#25: “Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve” (feat. “I Know Places”©) + “’Tis the Damn Season” (feat. “Daylight”©) (Edinburgh, Night One)
+10 points for no Tortured Poets; -50 points for no good songs except “’Tis the Damn Season”, which is inexplicably paired with “DAYLIGHT”???? Don’t do that to your gloomy holiday song, Taylor Swift!! They’re an endangered species as it is!!!!
#24: “Carolina” (feat. “No Body, No Crime”) + “The Manuscript”© (feat. “Red”) (Liverpool, Night Three)
Love a murder mashup, hate to hear “Red” disrespected like this. Leaving it out of the standard setlist to make room for the bad extended version of “All Too Well” is disrespectful enough as it is.
#23: “The Last Great American Dynasty” (feat. “Run”) + “Nothing New”© (feat. “Dear Reader”©) (Hamburg, Night Two)
Taylor Swift arrived in Hamburg, Germany of all cities, and was like, “Oh shit, I haven’t performed all nine hundred of my vault tracks,” hence Ed Sheeran collab “Run.” Which is not remotely the best song called “Run” I know.
#22: “London Boy” + “Dear John” (feat. “Sad Beautiful Tragic”) (London, Night Five)
Uh, I don’t really like any of these songs, but Jesus Christ. Does she need a hug or something?
#21: “Mr. Perfectly Fine” (feat. “Red”) + “Getaway Car”© (feat. “Out of the Woods”©) (Milan, Night Two)
See, this is how you incorporate “Red.” I gave “Getaway Car” a ©, but I do acknowledge that it eventually modulates up to D.
#20: “Today Was a Fairytale” (feat. “I Think He Knows”) + “The Black Dog”© (feat. “Exile”) (Warsaw, Night Three)
Three songs I would be excited to hear, and one that’s so boring I probably wouldn’t have even there was music happening until “Exile” kicked in.
#19: “Dorothea” (feat. “It’s Nice to Have a Friend”) + “Haunted” (feat. “Exile”) (Edinburgh, Night Three)
It is nice to have a “Dorothea” as your surprise song. “Haunted” + “Exile” is a repeat, so I’ll spare you my rant this time, but Taylor Swift! May I call you Taylor Swift? If you are so bored with your songs that you need to do these asinine mashups, why aren’t you bored enough not to repeat mashups?
#18: “Closure” (feat. “A Perfectly Good Heart”) + “Robin”© (feat. “Never Grow Up”) (Zurich, Night Two)
“Closure” is one of the evilest songs Taylor Swift has ever written. This is mostly a compliment.
#17: “I Did Something Bad” + “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys”© (feat. “Coney Island”) (London, Night Six)
Finally, the best song from Reputation. More like “I Did Something Good”, am I right? Oh, let me know if you want your name added to the sympathy card I’m sending to “Coney Island” for its horrible fate.
#16: “Sweeter Than Fiction” (feat. “Holy Ground”) + “Mary’s Song (Oh My My)” (feat. “So High School” and “Everything Has Changed”) (Amsterdam, Night Three)
Get this garbage away from “Mary’s Song!!” Zero complaints about the guitar songs, though.
#15: “Sparks Fly” (feat. “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”) + “I Look In People’s Windows” (feat. “Snow on the Beach”) (Madrid, Night One)
I don’t think I’ve ever rolled my eyes harder at a mashup than “Sparks Fly” and… “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)????” Fucking “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)????” “Sparks Fly” came out when I was a high school freshman, and I thought it was the most romantic shit I’d ever heard. Pairing it with a song about a terrible guy who sucks just ruins it!
#14: “The Prophecy” (feat. “Long Story Short”©) + “Fifteen” (feat. “You’re On Your Own, Kid”) (Lyon, Night One)
IF I HAD TO CHOOSE. If there was a gun to my head, and I had to pick a Tortured Poets Department song I hate the least, it would be “The Prophecy.” Yeah, the greige song. But if I had to pick an Evermore song to mash it up with, I would’ve picked my beloved “Right Where You Left Me.” Like, listen to these songs back-to-back. It’s so obvious. Didn’t she already do “Fifteen”/”You’re On Your Own, Kid” in Singapore? Girl…
#13: “Teardrops On My Guitar” (feat. “The Last Time”) + “We Were Happy”© (feat. “Happiness”) (Hamburg, Night One)
At last, “Teardrops On My Guitar!” Enough trying to make “Teardrops On My Piano” happen.
#12: “The Bolter”© (feat. “Getaway Car”©) + “All of the Girls You Loved Before” (feat. “Crazier”) (Edinburgh, Night Two)
“CRAZIER?!?!?!?!?!?!” FROM THE HANNAH MONTANA MOVIE?!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck these other songs, I only care about “Crazier.” I’m so glad it’ll probably be on exactly thirteen copies of Taylor Swift (Taylor’s Version) that are only available at one specific Target in Grand Junction, Colorado between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 A.M. I’m writing this article in real time; I can’t wait to see how right I am.
#11: “Paper Rings” (feat. “Stay Stay Stay”©) + “It’s Time To Go”© (feat. “Better Man”) (Gelsenkirchen, Night Three)
“I personally have extremely high hopes for Gelsenkirchen Night Three.” –My clairvoyant ass.
#10: “I Can See You” (feat. “Mine”) + “Cornelia Street”© (feat. “Maroon”) (Liverpool, Night One)
“Mine Can See You” boasts the cleverest transition so far – “I Can See You” has these ah-ah-ah-ahs throughout, and “Mine” begins with an iconic ah-AH-ah-ah-ah. It doesn’t translate well to text. You know what I mean. Such a shame she followed it up with “BOREnelia Street” and MY ARCH-NEMESIS “MAROON.” Why can’t she just swap out one of the equally shitty Midnights songs from the standard setlist with “Maroon” and stop tormenting me with it????? I’d love to hear her try to play “Vigilante Shit” on the piano. I can’t believe every song on Tortured Poets is so bad that “Maroon” isn’t even in my personal bottom ten anymore. God.
#9: “State of Grace” (feat. “You’re On Your Own, Kid”) + “Sweet Nothing”© (feat. “Hoax”) (Dublin, Night One)
I LOVE “STATE OF GRACE!” I LOVE “STATE OF GRACE!” NOTHING ELSE MATTERS I LOVE “STATE OF GRACE.” Which is such a U2 pastiche that playing it in Dublin is honestly kind of bold.
#8: “Right Where You Left Me” (feat. “All You Had to Do Was Stay”) + “Last Kiss” (feat. “Sad Beautiful Tragic”) (Zurich, Night One)
I should’ve known it was only a matter of time before my beloved “Right Where You Left Me” got mashup’d. I’m just glad it wasn’t with a Tortured Poets song.
#7: “Message In a Bottle” (feat. “How You Get the Girl” and “New Romantics”) + “How Did It End?”© (Stockholm, Night Three)
Sometimes, instead of Jack Antonoff, Taylor Swift writes songs with legendary Swedish songwriter-producer Max Martin. And they are usually better than the songs she writes with Jack Antonoff! Martin attended one of the Eras shows in his hometown, so he got a medley of their collaborations. “New Romantics” is an all-timer for me, so it can rocket undeserving Tortured Poets songs to the top of this list.
#6: “Hey Stephen” + “Maroon” (Paris, Night Three)
Oh my god, she always fucking does this to me. She plays a good song that I’ve loved since middle school – that reminds me why I’m Swiftie-adjacent – and then sits down at her stupid piano and lazily plonks out “Maroon.” Like, just add it to the regular setlist at this point. Eras Tour drinking game: Chug a bottle of your ROOMmate’s CHEAP-ass SCREW-top ROsé for every show with a “Maroon” jumpscare. I mean, this was night three! Of the entire European leg! She still had twenty-two new Tortured Poets songs to debut! Does she… does she like “Maroon?” God, I miss when Taylor Swift was relatable.
#5: “Speak Now” (feat. “Hey Stephen”) + “This Is Me Trying” (feat. “Labyrinth”©) (Gelsenkirchen, Night Two)
Yeah, put some respect on Stephen’s name. Unfortunately, “Labyrinth” is also here.
#4: “Long Live” (feat. “Change”) + “The Archer”© (feat. “You’re On Your Own, Kid” (London, Night Seven)
HALLELUJAH!
#3: “The 1”© (feat. “Wonderland”) + “I Almost Do” (feat. “The Moment I Knew”) (Milan, Night One)
A real dark horse, given the piano mashup of extremely boring Red songs, but I’ve been waiting to hear “Wonderland” again, and “The 1” deserves justice after being exiled from the Folklore segment to make room for Tortured Poets, and “The 1derland” is just really fun to say.
#2: “Come Back… Be Here” (feat. “The Way I Loved You” and “The Other Side of the Door”) + “Fresh Out the Slammer” (feat. “High Infidelity”) (Lisbon, Night One)
OH, NOW. NOW WE GET MY FAVORITE SONG FROM FEARLESS. THAT ONLY TOOK WHAT, 90 SHOWS? AND IT’S RELEGATED TO MASHUP STATUS? FUCK OFF. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE, I SAY. I’m kidding. I would kill and die for this stupid song, and I would kill and die for the “The Other Side of the Door” coda, and “Come Back… Be Here” is fine, and even “High Infidelity” is okay, by Midnights standards. That leaves “Fresh Out the Slammer” to bring this down, but it’s such a nothing song that it can’t even do that much damage.
#1: “Hits Different” (feat. “Death By a Thousand Cuts”) + “The Black Dog”© (feat. “Come Back… Be Here” and “Maroon”) (London, Night One)
Fuck the piano mashup, but if my rock bottom expectations and I had experienced “Hits By a Thousand Differents” live, I would’ve been like, tearing my own organs out. I’d’ve been upside-down, banging my head against the floor. Reenacting the miscarriage scene from Possession. My seatmates would’ve been like, “Wot’s all this then?” Every time someone calls me a Swiftie, I’m like, “I am the fuck not,” but when I say I’m ride or die for about thirty songs in her endless discography, I mean I’m die.
I can’t believe it’s been over a year since the first iteration of this post, and the Eras Tour still isn’t done. I’ll be back in December for THE FINAL RANKING (PLEASE GOD I BEG). Anyway. You guys listened to Brat?