all 18 surprise song duos from the final leg of the eras tour ranked
This is it, gang. The Eras Tour is donezo for real. It exists only in our memories, and on Disney Plus of all places. Truly, the end of an… eon.
And thank fucking Christ. I’m really trying to extend grace and kindness to Taylor Swift, in the spirit of the holidays, but GOD, I don’t want to do this. Do you even want to read this? I mean, you should read it anyway, (please) because I wrote it anyway, but I assure you, I understand any reluctance to proceed. Who wants to hear about some disaffected billionaire in December 2024? Oh, you went to Canada, Taylor Swift? I wish I could do that!
I relistened to The Tortured Poets Department to see if any of the songs had miraculously grown on me since I cast them uniformly aside, and um, no??? Not really???? The standard edition and The Anthology have one song apiece that I can tolerate, i.e. not celebrate. If this thing wins any Grammys, I swear to God…
#18: “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” (feat. “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”) + “False God” (feat. “‘Tis the Damn Season”) (Toronto, Night One)
I mean, I don’t know what I would’ve played at the first post-election show either, but “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” is such an evil song that it’s basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. You could’ve placed higher, Toronto Night One. This is why…
Percentage of songs in C major (yes, I still care about this): 25%
#17: “I Love You, I’m Sorry” (feat. “Last Kiss”) + “The Tortured Poets Department” (feat. “Maroon”) (Vancouver, Night Two)
You’re not gonna believe this, but browbeating me with “Maroon” throughout this endeavor did not make me like “Maroon!” It kind of cemented “Maroon” as my second least favorite Taylor Swift song of all time! Right between “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” in dead last, and the entirety of The Tortured Poets Department in third. Great job!
Gracie Abrams is the nepo daughter of filmmaker and Star Wars ruiner J. J. Abrams a nice person, I’m sure, but she makes the most nothing music I’ve ever ostensibly heard. I say ostensibly because I know I’ve listened to her biggest hits multiple times, but I always forget how they sound before they’re even over. It’s too bad “Last Kiss” got caught up in this.
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#16: “Us” (feat. “Out of the Woods”) + “You’re On Your Own, Kid” (feat. “Long Story Short”) (Toronto, Night Three)
I’ll not rehash my thoughts on “Out of the Woods”, but I maintain that it’s Patient Zero for everything I hate about the current state of Taylor Swift’s music. All my love to “Long Story Short.”
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#15: “Out of the Woods” (feat. “All You Had to Do Was Stay”) + “Mirrorball” (feat. “Guilty as Sin?”) (Miami, Night Three)
…I’ll not rehash my thoughts on “Out of the Woods”, but I maintain that it’s Patient Zero for everything I hate about the current state of Taylor Swift’s music. All my love to “Mirrorball.”
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#14: “Sparks Fly” (feat. “Message In A Bottle”) + “You’re Losing Me” (feat. “How Did It End?”) (Toronto, Night Six)
No respect, as usual, for “Sparks Fly.”
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#13: “Our Song” (feat. “Call It What You Want”) + “The Black Dog” (feat. “Haunted”) (New Orleans, Night One)
Actually, can we get a fucking embargo on mashups involving songs from Taylor Swift, Fearless, and Speak Now? Mash them with each other, or not at all! Reputation and The Tortured Poets Department are like radioactive waste. You’re killing them. You’re killing your old songs, Taylor Swift.
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#12: “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” (feat. “Mine”) + “Evermore” (feat. “Peter”) (Toronto, Night Two)
You see? You see??? What did “Mine” do to deserve this?
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#11: “Espresso” (feat. “Is It Over Now?” and “Please Please Please”) + “Hits Different” (feat. “Welcome to New York”) (New Orleans, Night Two)
Welcome to New… Orleans? Jesus Christ. Leave my darling “Hits Different” alone. This is one of the most lyrically incongruous mashups of the entire tour.
I shit you not, I have had a Sabrina Carpenter deep dive in the drafts since February, and I cannot make myself finish it. The demon that possessed me for the Harry Styles deep dive has yet to reappear. Just know that I feel the exact same way about Sabrina Carpenter that I do about Harold. I guess I can be grateful she and Taylor didn’t play “Nonsense”?
Percentage of songs in C major: 40%
#10: “The Prophecy” (feat. “This Love”) + “Maroon” (feat. “Cowboy Like Me”) (Indianapolis, Night Two)
Ask me how confused I was seeing the words “This Love” and “Maroon” in sequence. Ask me how elated I was for a fleeting moment, wondering if she’d disregarded all precedent and covered the only good Maroon 5 song. I mean, if she can play Gracie Abrams and Sabrina Carpenter songs…
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#9: “Afterglow” (feat. “Dress”) + “How You Get The Girl” (feat. “Clean”) (New Orleans, Night Three)
Man, I don’t know. I hate “Afterglow” and I hate “Dress”, but I like the two 1989 songs. These mashups feel fair and balanced, unlike the ones from the first show in New Orleans.
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#8: “Cornelia Street” (feat. “The Bolter”) + “Death By A Thousand Cuts” (feat. “The Great War”) (Indianapolis, Night Three)
See above, except this time the second mashup is comprised of way better songs.
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#7: “Tim McGraw” (feat. “Timeless”) + “This Is Me Trying” (feat. “Daylight”) (Miami, Night One)
Sure. Fine. Whatever.
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#6: “The Albatross” (feat. “Holy Ground”) + “Cold As You” (feat. “Exile”) (Indianapolis, Night One)
SO CLOSE. So close to being flawless. Unfortunately, a giant seabird is here to destroy it.
Percentage of songs in C major: 0%!
#5: “Should’ve Said No” (feat. “I Did Something Bad”) + “LOML” (feat. “White Horse”) (Miami, Night Two)
Oh, hell fuck yeah. I mean, you couldn’t pay me to pretend to give a shit about “LOML”, but everything else here is solid gold.
Percentage of songs in C major: 50%
#4: “Mr. Perfectly Fine” (feat. “Better Than Revenge”) + “State of Grace” (feat. “Labyrinth”) (Toronto, Night Four)
GOD DAMMIT. What is “Labyrinth” doing here? This could’ve taken first place without it!
Percentage of songs in C major: 25%
#3: “Ours” (feat. “The Last Great American Dynasty”) + “Cassandra” (feat. “Mad Woman” and “I Did Something Bad”) (Toronto, Night Five)
When I first heard “Cassandra”, I thought it sounded exactly like “Mad Woman”, so I’m not even that mad at it for being here. This show got two Folklore songs, one Speak Now song, and the only good song from Reputation! If I’d bitten the bullet and tried for Toronto tickets, this is the night I would’ve preferred.
Percentage of songs in C major: 20%
#2: “A Place in This World” (feat. “New Romantics”) + “Long Live” (feat. “New Year’s Day” and “The Manuscript”) (Vancouver, Night Three)
This absolutely does not deserve second place, but the conceptually ridiculous guitar mashup of two songs I love made me cackle aloud at 7:00 A.M. when I checked setlist.fm. “Long Live” and “New Year’s Day” were good, if obvious choices for the last show. “The Manuscript” is also here.
Percentage of songs in C major: 40%
#1: “Haunted” (feat. “Wonderland”) + “Never Grow Up” (feat. “The Best Day”) (Vancouver, Night One)
Fuck yeah! Two good songs on the guitar, two good songs on the piano, and four songs that are at least a decade old! You know, like you’d expect from a tour celebrating Taylor Swift’s entire discography!
Percentage of songs in C major: 0%!
A lot of people anticipated an announcement at the end of the tour – of a new album, a rerecorded old album, a documentary, outright retirement. How did the Eras Tour end? With no such announcement. As of the following day, nothing has materialized. Honestly, I can’t really blame Taylor Swift for this. Ending things is hard! I don’t even know how to end this post! Maybe with a plea for respite? I have watched Taylor Swift’s public image take another nosedive over the course of the Eras Tour, what with the overexposure and the private jet and the 1975 guy and the infinite Tortured Poets variants, and I don’t think it will ever completely crater again like in 2016, but I also don’t think the spotlight is currently beneficial.
After my Tortured Poets relisten, I put on the deluxe edition of Evermore to recover, because ’tis the damn season. I’ve never been particularly fond of the closing track, “It’s Time To Go”, but it felt very poignant in a way that it never has before. Perhaps, just as it may be time for Taylor Swift to go on hiatus, it may be time for me to stop being such a hater… HAHAHA, I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!