absentmindedly ranking the entire disney animated canon while enjoying some hummus from my favorite lebanese restaurant
I’ll be upfront: I’ve been super busy all week, and I could write this kind of thing in my sleep. One of the things I was busy doing was attending a bridal shower, where I won a gift basket for my 100% success rate of matching the love song to the Disney animated film from which it originates (or from which it was deleted). Credentials established.
BEFORE WE BEGIN:
No, I don’t like the Walt Disney Company either. Though in fairness, this is like, my third article mentioning them, so I understand your confusion.
I am pulling from this list, which currently consists of 61 films released between 1937 and 2022.
Pixar is a separate studio and therefore does not count.
No, Patrick, Anastasia is not a Disney movie.
The Road to El Dorado is not a Disney movie either.
If it’s not on this list, it’s not a Disney movie. Do not presume to know better than me until and unless you too have won two dish towels, a three-wick candle, a bottle of hand sanitizer, a lemon juicer, a bottle of hand soap, three tea bags, and a can of concentrated room spray for your efforts.
Now, I may be knowledgeable. This does not equate to good taste.
It’s just regular hummus.
#61: Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)
Murder. I saw this IN THEATERS BY MYSELF, because I love the first movie that much. Wreck-It Ralph’s DVD release coincided with some life events that I really did not care for, so there was a roughly two-month period where I was watching it several times a week as a distraction. I didn’t think Breaks the Internet would be good, per se, but I thought it would be like, watchable? I thought that of its inevitable flaws, the product placement would make me angriest. You know how the first movie is like, “Look! Sonic’s here! Bowser’s here! Clyde the Pac-Man ghost is here!” and you’re like :D? Well, this one wants — nay, expects you to have the same reaction to Twitter, Google, and fucking Amazon. But (perhaps to distract me?) the actual most rage-inducing component of this dumpster fire is the character assassination. I don’t have specifics, because I’m not watching it again unless someone wants to slide me like $500 for emotional damages, (plus maybe an additional $150 for the copious booze I will require for survival) but these characters are unrecognizable. They behave unrecognizably, and it’s in service of a godawfully one-sided moral about friendship. Vanellope essentially Banshees of Inisherins Ralph, and because they’re a child and adult respectively, you’re like, “Of course she should ghost his ass, the power dynamics are creepy as fuck!” I don’t think that was intentionally factored in, is the thing. Or at least, the writers can hide behind it to justify the complete lack of nuance they’ve brought to the conflict, because otherwise you’d be like, “Wait, isn’t this kind of selfish and impulsive of her?” You can tell it’s a product of the Cutting Out Toxic People era of Twitter, which I guess tracks given that tweets in this movie are portrayed as cute little bluebirds that flutter around cyberspace instead of like, a wake of vultures.
#60: Dinosaur (2000)
Unlike Pixar, Disney did not crush their first CGI release. Dinosaur is actually kind of the opposite of Ralph Breaks the Internet, in that I have seen it several times and cannot recall a single scene, nor summon an emotional reaction to it. I believe there is an egg.
#59: The Three Caballeros (1944)
Welcome to the Package Era! When the United States entered World War II, Disney had no money, and a substantial chunk of their animation team got drafted. So instead of feature-length movies, they made a bunch of shorts, duct taped them together, and released them theatrically. Two of these package films were commissioned by the Roosevelt administration to further the Good Neighbor policy, and are thus themed around Latin America. This one is also themed around Donald Duck’s tenth anniversary, which is its downfall, because the guy has never been more annoying.
#58: Fun and Fancy Free (1947)
Only two shorts in this one, but they are both quite long. I don’t particularly care for either. At least my good friend Jiminy Cricket cameos.
#57: Saludos Amigos (1942)
Exactly like The Three Caballeros, but it clocks in at 42 minutes. Watch it as a history lesson if you must.
#56: Frozen 2 (2019)
Just reread the Ralph Breaks the Internet section and pretend I’m about 75% less angry.
#55: Home on the Range (2004)
I saw this in theaters with my second grade boyfriend and now I’m gay. Unrelated.
#54: Chicken Little (2006)
Logan Roy WISHES he were as awful as Buck Cluck.
#53: Melody Time (1948)
Most forgettable package film, in my humble opinion. I like this, though.
#52: Pocahontas (1995)
Not one encouraging thing in this movie.
#51: Peter Pan (1953)
This one is at least good BEFORE the racism. I shit you not, when I was a little kid, I used to check this out from the library on VHS, watch the first twenty minutes, and then turn it off. I simply was not feeling Neverland. The crocodile is an icon, though.
#50: Make Mine Music (1946)
The One That’s Not On Disney Plus. Which is a real shame, because I actually quite like some of the shorts.
#49: The Black Cauldron (1985)
We’ve reached the part of the list where I do not have particularly strong opinions, and therefore little to say. I also wish I liked The Black Cauldron. I feel like cool people like The Black Cauldron. There is a lot of cool shit IN The Black Cauldron. I’d just rather see it through the eyes of someone other than Taran the assistant pig-keeper.
#48: The Rescuers Down Under (1990)
The best theatrical sequel film, but the competition is NOT stiff. Anyone who tries to tell you this is better than The Rescuers has not seen either movie in at least a decade.
#47: Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)
Raya/Namaari enemies-to-lovers slowburn sequel coming to theaters as soon as I can manifest it with my mind powers.
#46: Bambi (1942)
Favorite part is when Friend Owl is like, “One day you will all be heterosexual,” and Bambi/Thumper/Flower are like, “No way,” and the Arrested Development narrator is like,
#45: Zootopia (2016)
I genuinely have no idea what to make of this movie, which is not a point in its favor, I’m afraid. It gave us the abortion comic. I’m not sure what to make of that either.
#44: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Tadashi Hamada is up there with Mufasa and Bambi’s mom for me. I meant in terms of sadness, but I guess heaven also works.
#43: Strange World (2022)
Very okay movie starring Jaboukie as First Openly First Openly Gay Disney Character.
#42: Brother Bear (2003)
It’s fine.
#41: Bolt (2008)
All I could focus on during my first rewatch since 2008 was the fact that this poor Truman Show dog got sealed in a cardboard box and shipped across the country. I know that’s the point. I did not enjoy it.
#40: Oliver and Company (1988)
WHY SHOULD I WORRY WHY SHOULD I CA-A-A-ARE I MAY NOT HAVE A DIME BUT I GOT STREET SAVOIR FAIRE
#39: The Fox and the Hound (1981)
Allegedly, a young Tim Burton got so frustrated working on this film (that is, trying to draw animals that were generically cute and not Tim Burtonesque) that he pulled out his own wisdom tooth. You can see him briefly in archive footage from the 2009 documentary Waking Sleeping Beauty with blood pouring out of his mouth, which they do not explain. So I have explained it now. For you.
#38: Lady and the Tramp (1955)
Why did this dog movie need racist cats?
#37: The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
The last and best package film! An Over the Garden Wall precursor in so many ways.
#36: One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961)
#35: Dumbo (1941)
…DID ANYONE TRY THE PINK ELEPHANTS SCENE I THOUGHT THE PINK ELEPHANTS SCENE WAS LOVELY.
#34: Fantasia 2000 (1999)
Yeah, it’s alright, but it’ll be never her.
#33: Winnie the Pooh (2011)
Yeah, it’s alright, but it’ll never be HER.
#32: The Sword in the Stone (1963)
A mess (affectionate).
#31: The Princess and the Frog (2009)
Better than the Wicked movies will be, I guarantee it.
#30: Robin Hood (1973)
Disney didn’t have any money in the ’70s either, but instead of making package films they just recycled animation. Not that I mind. This whole article is a testament to laziness, after all.
#29: The Rescuers (1977)
This movie is my friend.
#28: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Yeah, I guess the one that started this whole mess can be in the Top 30. A lot of it is a fourteen-year-old girl teaching grown men basic personal hygiene, but then you also get these scenes.
#27: Tangled (2010)
As hetero Disney couples go, Rapunzel and Eugene have yet to be dethroned.
#26: The Jungle Book (1967)
Baloo and Bagheera are my favorite set of gay dads from this studio. And there are several.
#25: Frozen (2013)
Soon we’re gonna be inundated with thinkpieces about how we were all too hard on Frozen and you know what? They’ll be right.
#24: Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (/tʃaɪˈkɒfski/ chy-KOF-skee; 7 May 1840 – 6 November 1893) was a Russian composer of the Romantic period. He was the first Russian composer whose music would make a lasting impression internationally. Tchaikovsky wrote some of the most popular concert and theatrical music in the current classical repertoire, including the ballets Swan Lake and The Nutcracker, the 1812 Overture, his First Piano Concerto, Violin Concerto, the Romeo and Juliet Overture-Fantasy, several symphonies, and the opera Eugene Onegin.
Although musically precocious, Tchaikovsky was educated for a career as a civil servant as there was little opportunity for a musical career in Russia at the time and no system of public music education. When an opportunity for such an education arose, he entered the nascent Saint Petersburg Conservatory, from which he graduated in 1865. The
#23: Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
Sonic’s here! Bowser’s here! Clyde the Pac-Man ghost is here! :D
#22: Hercules (1997)
Most hummus-appropriate movie of the list.
#21: Tarzan (1999)
I do agree with the common criticism that this movie would’ve functioned better as a musical, but I would mourn the loss of this scene.
#20: Meet the Robinsons (2007)
Panic! at the Disco has achieved such irrelevance by 2037 that thirteen-year-old Wilbur Robinson has not, in fact, ever heard of closing the goddamn door.
#19: Cinderella (1950)
It’s no Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella (1997) but it’ll do.
#18: Moana (2016)
If they actually remake this I will kick Bob Iger’s ass.
#17: The Great Mouse Detective (1986)
Only Sherlock Holmes you’ll ever need!
#16: Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
One time I got stuck in your least favorite airport (yeah, that one!) and ranked every adult human man Disney protagonist up until that point by raw sex appeal and Milo Thatch won by a considerable margin.
#15: Lilo and Stitch (2002)
They DO NOT make ’em like this anymore.
#14: The Little Mermaid (1989)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know my herstory, but that doesn’t mean I particularly like the movie. Also, why is Melissa McCarthy playing Ursula in the remake? Was Joe Jonas not available?
#13: The Aristocats (1970)
I don’t know guys. I like cats, I like dogs, and I like scales and arpeggios.
#12: The Lion King (1994)
Lion King NOT in the Top 10, DEATH PENALTY for Ashton.
#11: Fantasia (1940)
Anybody else remember the 2010 Sorcerer’s Apprentice movie starring Nicolas Cage as the sorcerer and Jay Baruchel as the apprentice?
#10: The Emperor’s New Groove (2000)
When I started writing this I was like, “God, I hope I can get The Emperor’s New Groove into the Top 25.”
#9: Aladdin (1992)
#8: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)
Shockingly high I know, but this is one of the only placements for which I will actually put down my hummus and die on a battlefield. This movie is the culmination of two long-running collaborations you will pick up on if you watch the Disney Animated Canon in chronological order: Sterling Holloway, Pooh’s voice actor, finally assumes the role he was born to play after appearing in seven other films, most notably as Kaa the Snake and the Cheshire Cat; and songwriters Robert and Richard Sherman, who had contributed to three prior animated movies, (and a few live action, like Mary Poppins) turn in some of the best work of their careers. Also, it’s Winnie the Pooh! We love him!
#7: Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Speaking of the Cheshire Cat… yeah hi, this movie rules.
#6: Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Objectively, unimpeachably the best, but this is my list.
#5: Encanto (2021)
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
#4: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
Most tonally inconsistent movie ever made. “Hellfire” snubbed for Best Original Song Oscar. I couldn’t watch Seinfeld for the longest time because every time George spoke I was like, “It’s that FUCKING GARGOYLE.”
#3: Treasure Planet (2002)
IT’S MY RANKING AND I GET TO CELEBRATE THE TREASURE PLANET.
#2: Pinocchio (1940)
Believe I have already mentioned this one. It’s what I tended to put on whenever I stopped watching Peter Pan. My VHS copy is like, 75% static. Again, no idea why I liked it so much. I mean, I know why I like it now, (nostalgia) but I cannot make heads or tails of how this would appeal to a three-year-old with The Little Mermaid and The Lion King at her disposal. I said I don’t have taste. Except in hummus.
#1: Mulan (1998)
While the Pinocchio thing tends to throw people for a loop, the response I usually get when naming Mulan as my favorite Disney movie is a vaguely disdainful, “Makes sense.” But I will not be shamed for my congruity. Who doesn’t like Mulan? I used to go to youth group and feel super alienated about 98% of the time, and one of the sole exceptions to this was when they split us up by gender, sent the boys to the gym to watch fucking Casino Royale or whatever, and the rest of us had cookie dough ice cream and watched Mulan (I am aware of the Alanis-worthy irony). And we all screamed along to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”, and it was the closest I ever got to having a religious experience while singing at church. I am unclear how any of this related to Christianity, but like, it’s Mulan! Who doesn’t like Mulan? Why did God make a man out of that lump of dirt if not so that man could create the 1998 animated Disney film Mulan?
I have run out of hummus, and that is the list. Argue with me in the comments!