28 things to do on the day before your 28th birthday
(Instead of joining the 27 Club, like the intrusive thoughts want — nay expect you to.)
#1: Put on a good outfit, in case you do accidentally die
Weather be damned, if I have anything to say about it, I am departing not this mortal coil in jeans.
#2: Go to the grocery store
What, were you not gonna go to the grocery store? You have a cauliflower habit to maintain.
#3: Watch The Lighthouse on Tubi
I have been trying to make myself watch The Lighthouse on Tubi for weeks now. I've never seen the movie before, but I've wanted to since it came out. And I was so excited to see it on Tubi! But I have watched it? No! Why the fuck not? I don't know!
#4: Go for a walk in the park
#5: Seriously consider getting tickets to Sum 41's farewell tour
Good way to neutralize the intrigue of death. How are you going to hear "In Too Deep" live if you join the 27 Club?
#6: Put on some really obnoxious nu metal from your childhood and destroy a Cadbury Creme Egg
I'm talking "Animal I Have Become." I'm talking "Down with the Sickness." I'm talking "Chop Suey!" I'm talking "Last Resort." Actually, maybe not those last two.
#7: Go to the library and check out The Picture of Dorian Gray
What? I've never read it.
#8: An edible
#9: Email your therapist
Because it's probably not like, a good sign that you're focusing so hard on the possibility of dying today.
#10: Have Socratic discussions with your entire social circle about Beyoncé's "Jolene" lyric changes
Cowboy Carter is really good, and I can't wait for it to inevitably lose the Grammy for Album of the Year to Taylor Swift's Dead Poets Society or whatever the fuck. That said, if I were Jolene, I cannot say I'd have any interest in dating the guy Lemonade is about. If I were Beyoncé, (sorry for blaspheming) I cannot say I'd have any interest in the guy Lemonade is about! And I certainly wouldn't rewrite history so that he's a hapless family man powerless against the seductive prowess of Becky with the good hair! I think "Jolene" is supposed to be a victory lap, but I just can't hear it that way. I have not forgotten about "Love Drought!" I was there, Gandalf!
#11: Listen to the definitive version of "Jolene"
#12: Watch the scene in Schitt's Creek where David and Patrick get engaged, because it's been exactly five years since that happened
I have not felt truly alive since 2019, and I'm not even sure it's entirely the pandemic's fault.
#13: See how many cups of coffee you can drink between 9:00 A.M. and 5:00 P.M.
Maybe not in conjunction with the edible. You gotta pick one.
#14: Attempt to determine, once and for all, whether you are an atheist or agnostic
Good luck! You can't even decide what to have for dinner tonight!
#15: Decide what to have for dinner tonight
#16: Draw something
Remember drawing? You used to love drawing! You used to be kind of good at it! You used to be like, art rivals with this one douchebag from middle school! But you gave up, which, due to the universe's general unfairness, means he's probably a professional artist now!
#17: Try to find that guy on social media, to see if he's really a professional artist
Don't do this.
#18: Maybe interrogate your steadfast belief in the universe's general unfairness instead
Like, you don't believe in God from the Bible, but you clearly believe that some omniscient force is running things, and that it hates you personally. Is that really how you want to conceptualize matters for the rest of your life?
#19: Roast the cauliflower you bought at the grocery store
#20: Get a dramatic haircut
#21: Contemplate going by your middle name for a year
And then decide that you aren't cool enough for your middle name.
#22: Deep clean the bathroom
It's just practical.
#23: Try to learn Rachmaninoff's Prelude in G Minor by ear
This will not work. Maybe instead you should...
#24: Try to relearn to read music
#25: Scroll through Messi the dog's entire Instagram for like the sixteenth time since the Oscars
#26: Reorganize the apps on your phone by color
Only to immediately change them back, because muscle memory is a son of a bitch.
#27: Make a list of 28 things to do on the day before your 28th birthday
Meta!
#28: Go to bed
And you will wake up, aged 28.