I had a very validating experience yesterday where my instincts were confirmed, and I felt vindicated. Because goddess knows, I don’t know everything. But I often know enough to know that I don’t know.

And when I put my trust in someone, it matters. It is not a light gesture or a whim. It’s a full force fucking hurricane. Trust is sacred. I know, I know: people say that all the time. It’s a common phrase. Probably a bit trite.

But when someone says they’ll do something and then they don’t, it is a problem. And, listen, everyone has an off day! A bad moment! There are balls I have dropped and moments I’ve screwed up. I do my best to own up to it, when that happens. Although I am, by no means, perfect. Not even close to it.

But when it’s a feature not a bug, it’s a problem. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I gaslight myself. I can find a thousand reasons why or why not. I can unearth explanations nobody asked for. I am a champ at giving people the benefit of the doubt—especially if I already like/care about you.

But. And. Listen.

There’s something wildly upsetting to realize that someone is only there on their own terms. Or, rather, they will not be honest with you, which would solve a lot of issues. I don’t care about hearing bad shit. Tell me the bad shit, but own it. But don’t lie to my face and call it kindness. Or friendship. Or whatever.

I am absolutely forgiving, until I’m given a clear reason not to be. And I’m not just talking about one singular issue/moment/person here, but an amalgam of a few.

On the flipside, a recent conversation with a dear, dear friend confirmed that my kind/loving/caring instincts have been right. In this instance, I already had faith in my own instincts, but it’s still nice to know that I’m not alone in them. It warmed my heart like sunshine, and I am grateful for that.

All this is to say, trust your gut. Not the noise. Not the weird ways in which we sometimes just push through or gaslight ourselves. Sometimes, people haven’t earned the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, giving too much means giving away your own power, and that will never do.

In life, the moments where I didn’t trust my gut are the ones I’ve regretted. And I think we sometimes all need a reminder trust ourselves, because this world will try to make you doubt your own heart. Your instincts. Your sense of knowing. Don’t let it, okay? Even when the world is a whirr that confidently states otherwise, to thine own self be true.

XOXO

ICYMI, I’ve got a new poem at Small Wonders! You can read “When Death Comes, Look to The Tower” on their website, and I really hope you do.

If you want to preorder a copy of my forthcoming poetry collection, Offerings for Ordinary Gods, Inkwood is the place to go for a signed copy! In the US, simply write a note in the Instructions/Comments section during checkout. Outside the US, shoot them an email (inkwoodnj@gmail.com), and they’ll get your preorder sorted. And, as always, if you can’t preorder, ask your local library!