I wrote this a year ago and I’m republishing and updating this because I had yet another conversation with a friend about caregiving for her parents. She’s not an only child but she is the only daughter and the eldest. This will only become more relevant as the sandwich generations of Gen X and Millennials get older and people live longer but not always healthier.

I am obviously friends with a lot of daughters. Not just daughters but a lot of single and first-born daughters. There are a few second-born scattered here and there as well.

There are a lot of jokes and memes about being the eldest or only daughter and what that means for caregiving, our careers, money and retirement.

We’re of the age when we’re looking after kids and parents and there is often a ton of love, joy, laughter and tears but allyuh, it gets tiring. 

A friend going through stuff with her parent said this: too much of the world runs on adult daughters. I’m not dismissing other people’s work because caring for parents is a noble action. One in four Canadians are or will be in a caregiving role at some point in their lifetimes and most of the time, for free, saving the Canadian health care system billions of dollars. A system that several premiers are actively dismantling, by the way.

Women shoulder the majority of caregiving and this is in in addition to domestic labour, even when in the workforce. We’re dealing with a lot of the family stuff while trying to work and save for some kind of retirement.

This is a bigger issue than just not saving enough including how we treat aging and seniors but I’m going to stick to something less… philosophical in scale.

An RBC Wealth Management study found that 47 per cent of female caregivers feel very confident about their financial circumstances but only 38 per cent say they find the guidance available to them helpful. That means 63 per cent doesn’t find the right financial guidance.

Another article from Scotiabank found that in 2021, nearly half of Canadians reported some kind of absenteeism from work so they can care for the person in their life.You could also find yourself spending more money than you’re bringing in. It’s often the result of stepping away from work or shouldering additional medical, food and even shelter costs for you and the person you’re caring for.

What can you do about it?

Track the money: List where the money came from. Separating “my expenses” from “family expenses” helps clarify what spending actions need to change.

Set boundaries with the money: If you’re routinely covering others at the cost of your savings, stop it. Take care of your needs before you cover other people.

Retirement: Future you > Current emergencies from other people

Ok, I admit that sounds harsh but adult children, again, mostly women, quit their jobs to look after family members. Sometimes it’s a ‘just for now’ situation and sometimes it’s a permanent step away from work. 

That means losing advancement opportunities like promotions that come with more money, bonuses or the salary bump that usually comes when you change jobs. You also lose things like RRSP matching which gives you some extra cash in your retirement portfolio. 

This has compounding consequences for those who step away. Less money earned is less money put towards funding your plans when you get old. Unless you get a significant amount from your parents when they die that you can live on, don’t stop contributing to whatever plan you have for your senior years. 

Sidenote: I know there’s the whole biggest wealth transfer conversation but realistically most of us will never, ever see that. 

Then there’s the thing nobody likes to talk about: resentment. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them (and I include siblings here as well), it just means you’re human. You can’t pour from an empty cup and you definitely can’t invest from an empty bank account. So indulge in it for a bit, we’re all only human. 

This is why self-preservation is not selfish. When women burn out, they’re not the only ones affected, their entire family feels the burnout and gets the fallout. Caregiving economies, because that’s what they are, massive unspoken economies, collapse if the primary giver gets sick, emotionally depleted, or financially unstable. Protecting your health and wealth is not just for you, it’s for the whole system around you. No one likes getting screamed at and baby, that is what is going to happen. Wait, is that just me? Nah. 

So, what does that look like in practice? Here’s a short list of actionable items you can do.

• Say “no” sooner. It’s easier to decide you’re not taking on another task than it is to claw back that time and energy later.

• Put a price on your labour. Even if you don’t literally charge your siblings or extended family, attach a number in your head. It makes you see the invisible workload for what it is: valuable. This can lead to bigger conversations about your parents’ estate and who gets what based on caregiving but that’s a whole topic that needs its own newsletter and some expert estate planner and legal voices.

• Professionalize the care plan. Doctors, financial advisors, respite workers, meal delivery and don’t be afraid to bring in help if you can. You’re not failing, you’re building a system that doesn’t collapse the minute you get the flu. This is easier said than done especially when your parents say they don’t like strangers in their home. Fully acknowledging that.

• Have the talk about who pays for what. If you’re buying groceries or other things for your parents (or other related adults, etc.), will you pay for it out of your pocket and they’ll pay you back or will you use their credit or debit card? This is an IMPORTANT conversation to have. 

• Take care of yourself financially as well. Mentally, physically and spiritually as well.

At some point, every adult daughter (and adults in general) has to decide she’s not the retirement care plan. If the expectation is that you will hold everything together with your unpaid time and unplanned money, you will always be behind. And falling behind now is a form of stealing from your future self.

This is also a chance to model something different for everyone in your circle. You can show that caregiving is real work, that women’s financial health matters, and that circumstances do not get to erase your plans. And because I’m me, you know I’m also going to say that now’s the time to bug the government to do better with aging and care. Canada’s now considered a super-aged country, with 21% of the population turning 65 or older before the end of this decade. 2030 is three years and four months away. 

If too much of the world runs on adult daughters, then adult daughters have to start running on something sturdier than just love, guilt and goodwill. We deserve a proper foundation of balance sheets, boundaries, finances and a proper retirement because goddamn, we’re tired.

This week’s readings:

I am so glad people are talking about this. Finally. Solo Ager? Here’s How to Build Financial Security for Retirement (Morningstar) And a reminder I talk about this in my book.

Mmm, we’ll see how much of this actually helps. Carney promises Toronto $2.7 billion to build thousands of new rental homes (Toronto Star)

This is an important read. Confronting Antifeminist Ideologies in Canada (House of Commons, Government of Canada)

University of Toronto’s School of Cities looks at rising rent and supply in Ontario (University of Toronto)

A women-designed condo has opened in Etobicoke (TodoToronto.events via Instagram)