A Bridgerton scene that made me think about parental care
I started rewatching the third season of Bridgerton and noped out after the first half because it’s not good. But there was a small scene that stuck with me. No, nothing to do with Pollin. Instead, there is a scene where Lady Featherington tells Penelope that she’s glad that Penelope, her spinster daughter will be there to look after her, presumably in her old age.
Penelope gave her a look and my friend, A, declared, “That is the look that all 40-something daughters who are single give.”
No lies told. I’ve heard anecdotally from single friends that there seems to be an assumption that they are the ones who are going to look after their parents as they age for various reasons. It generally boils down to these reasons:
You’re single, so you have more time than [sibling].
[Sibling] has a partner and/or kids. You don’t.
Your work/life is easy to upheave since you don’t have other people to consider
What do you do all day anyway? Why not give it up to look after [parent]?
Now I’m not here to tell you what you should do if you find yourself in this situation because there are family and cultural considerations around looking after elderly parents. But it is a situation that single people should consider when it comes to their finances. (Everyone, really but you know what this newsletter is about.)
Let me wow you with some stats that highlight the depth of this issue. I’m going to quote myself from an article I wrote this past February.
“As our population ages and there are more Canadians older than age 65 than children, an increasing number of adults are finding themselves in the role of caregiver for aging parents, while juggling careers, saving for their own retirements, and often caring for their own kids, too. According to the Canadian Centre for Caregiving Excellence, Canadians spend 5.7 billion unpaid hours each year on caregiving; and in an article in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues, the replacement cost of those hours was estimated at between $97.1 billion and $112.7 billion.”
Right now, three in 10 Canadians older than age 30 are caring for their parents and another four expect to in the future. This has or will have an impact on their daily lives.
Americans are also doing a lot of caregiving. AARP found that family caregivers provide $600 billion in unpaid care.
That is going to affect your own earnings and everyone, I have to tell you, blindly sacrificing your financial health for your parents may not be the best option.
Have the talk, now
While members of your family may think you’ll slide into the role of caregiver, you might have other plans. You work, you have hobbies, you have friends, there might be kids in your life, you have a life. Have open and honest conversations with your family about caregiving responsibilities. Have them often. Clarify roles and expectations to ensure that responsibilities are shared fairly among siblings and other family members.
Don’t let assumptions lead you into a role that you don’t want, even if you love your parents and siblings. From all my interviews and conversations with experts, it’s better to have the conversation before anything happens. Push for it even if everyone else doesn’t want to talk about it.
In fact, if you’re expected to be it, I think you should demand to have the talk. You don’t want to end up talking to me about how you yelled at your siblings for help and now you no longer speak to them.
Assess your and your parents’ financial situation
Conduct a comprehensive review of your current financial status, including savings, investments, debts, and monthly expenses. Get your parents and siblings to do the same thing. Caregiving costs are not cheap. It’s about $35 a hour for a personal support worker.
Everyone needs to consider how potential caregiving responsibilities might impact your income and savings plans. If you agree to take on the majority of the caregiving costs, how are you going to make up your lost income? Remember, this isn’t just the day-to-day income. This is lost income that would have gone into your own retirement and caregiving savings.
One thing I learned was to ask your parents about payment for caregiving. Let them know that while you absolutely have no problem helping out, it will mean financial hardship for you. Ask them about their expectations and if they provide some kind of financial help. This could be you using their money for their expenses instead of your own, which can add up. This might require a power of attorney so check with a lawyer.
It may mean your parents may adjust their will to leave you an equitable part of their estate to compensate for your time caring for them. Again, please have these conversations with your family before any changes are made. We’ve all watched those dramas where surprise! wills are read.
Start saving now
If you are it for parental caregiving, prioritize your own financial health by continuing to save for retirement and an emergency fund. Don’t deplete your savings or go into debt to cover caregiving expenses.
Know your government support
There are some caregiving benefits but they tend to be tax credits or job protection while you take leave, so they’re not really giving you extra money. Something to think about.
Talk to someone
Outside of your family, I mean. In this case, your planner if you have one. Let them know that you’ll be caregiving in the future and how that might affect your financial situation. I know I’m saying this from behind this screen but use a trite metaphor, you have to put your own mask on before you help others.
This week’s readings
Weekend Reading: Let’s Talk About Rental Properties Edition (Boomer and Echo)
It turns out money actually can buy happiness (Quartz at Work)
By me: Solving the money puzzle. Why some neurodiverse people struggle with finances — and tips to help them succeed (Toronto Star)
Snowball, avalanche or consolidate: How to choose the right debt repayment method (Toronto Star)
3 reasons why it’s not worth waiting to deal with debt (Financial Post)
Basic Income Gives Money without Strings. Here’s How People Spend It (Scientific American)
It’s the usual suspects. A Few Blockbuster Podcasts Are Making All the Money (WSJ, paywalled, check if your library has a subscription)