|
Co-regulation is not about being calm - it's about feeling safe
Everyone likes to talk about Nervous System Regulation at the moment.
It is much more commonly discussed than it used to be - which is both great and also frustrating because sometimes it becomes a bit of a buzzword and the important information gets lost.
I want to address the idea that regulation means being 'calm'
I hinted at this in the last newsletter when I shared that 'dysregulation' is not my favourite word. It is usually used as a shorthand to mean when a person (adult or child) is feeling a higher level of stress.
For example, this could be frustration, anger or anxiety.
And I appreciate that these are not necessarily pleasant experiences (either for us to have ourselves, or to witness in our little ones and others).
BUT these are not wrong or bad. In fact, being 'dysregulated' in this current climate (meaning both political and literal rising temperature) makes a LOT of sense.
Our nervous systems aren't meant to spend all their time in a 'calm' state. They are meant to be dynamic. A nervous system 'regulates' through different nervous system states as it needs to.
For example: if you went to cross the road and suddenly saw a car coming at you, your nervous system would sense this danger, give you a boost of adrenaline and shoot you up into a higher stress arousal state.
This would support you to move quickly out of the way. Your nervous system saves you. Then after a little while, we hope that you'd gradually settle back down to a calmer nervous system state.
We don't need a calm nervous system - we need a flexible one.
Our nervous systems regulate to different states,
dependening on how safe we feel.
The technical term for this 'Neuroception'. It means that we are subconsciously scanning and checking for dangers constantly (some research suggests that this happens 4 times every second).
When our nervous system senses danger, it will prepare us to respond by increasing our stress arousal (this means we are more ready to run / fight / hide etc). And we will feel this in sensations such as increased heart rate, sweaty hands, and might notice that we are more emotionally reactive and less able to be responsive in the way that we might hope to be.
And this will show up in our little ones too. They are constantly scanning to check if they are safe, scanning:
- their environment (checking for possible dangers around them - for example new environments might be overwhelming for more sensitive little nervous systems)
- inside their body (checking for any cues of danger or need such as hunger, tiredness, pain - these internal 'dangers' will impact their resilience as it adds an internal lack of safety)
- their relationships (whether they feel secure in the support of their caregivers, which is essential for their survival)
Children are vulnerable. Evolutionarily and practically they have always and will always need a lot of support. They can't survive alone, and this makes the relationship part so very integral to their sense of safety.
Am I safe?
This process of Neuroception / scanning for possible danger, is all subconscious. It's not something that we are necessarily aware of.
Our nervous system is the fastest part of our body to respond to perceived danger, and our brains can take a while to catch up (if they ever do - sometimes we have no idea what it is that has created the sense of danger that we are experiencing.)
If my shoulders are up by my ears, my teeth are clenched and my inner dialogue is critical and unkind, I know that my stress is rising.
This has already happened - I can't stop this subconscious process of neuroception. But what I can do is build on this awareness.
I can recognise that my nervous system is feeling unsafe, and I can try to find ways to remind myself that I am safe (if I am indeed safe - if i'm not then I can let my nervous system drive me into safety!)
This might be a practice, it might be finding support from someone else who feels safe to you, it might be fresh air or a cuddle, a snack, or it might even be simply telling yourself "I'm safe". These will be different for all of us, and part of this work is building up a toolkit and building the skill of using it.
This is what supports nervous system capacity and flexibility.
1. Building Awareness of our own stress / nervous system states
2. Building 'Regulatory Flexibility' (fancy way to say - knowing how to choose different ways to support ourselves in the moment).
This process involves rational thinking, which is part of the function of the pre-frontal cortex. This is a complex thing for a brain to do. And it's really important for us to know that this skill is not fully developed in most people until mid to late 20s...
This is not something we can reasonably expect of our little ones. In fact to do so would be developmentally inappropriate. And this is why the idea of 'self soothing' is total nonsense. It's just not possible for a baby or young child to regulate their own emotions. As we've covered - they are entirely reliant on us for their survival.
They are going to be letting us know about any lack of safety they're perceiving - usually in ways that may make us feel frustrated and challenged and often a bit less safe.
And that is by design. We are meant to have a stress arousal for their stress arousal.
They don't know whether the danger is an actual danger, and we need to bring our logical pre-frontal cortex and our 'regulatory flexibility' to access our own sense of safety, and invite them into it.
(Of course there may also be something that we can do to support them / something practical they need from us - if so then allow your nervous system to drive us to a very slightly heightened stress state for this small action!)
If we feel safe, those around us can pick up on that. Just as being around someone stressed can make you feel more stressed. We are social mammals that survive in groups - it's all about the vibes basically...
The expectation to be calm all the time is not realistic or appropriate. Particularly if our children are upset. They don't need calm caregivers, they need safe ones.
And they won't necessarily be calm immediately.
I think the hacks / tricks of social media clips make us think that co-regulation is immediate. That we do 'this one thing' and our children go from upset to calm. Actually the regulation between states can take some time.
I like to think about our nervous systems like animals - if they're spooked by something, they need time to trust that it's safe enough to come back out from hiding or to settle back down. We can be a safe presence to support this easing from higher stress into lower stress states.
I always love this video of a cat foster mum and a hugely stressed kitten coregulating. You can see that it's not immediate. You can see that the foster mum is wincing and moving back from some of the swipes and behaviour - she's not totally calm, but she does know that she's safe. And she settles in to let the kitten know that they can be safe too.
If we think about young children, particularly toddlers, they are experiencing so many big feelings and these themselves can feel overwhelming and unsafe to hold - in their bodies, in their environment, in their relationships.
I wrote about the need to sometimes make space for unpacking big emotions in a recent substack post, and I think there is an important point around building a sense of safety with big emotions. This is something a lot of us didn't receive growing up (and our parents didn't receive and so on) and it's something that we can build our capacity for.
We might notice that the big feelings of our children make us feel unsafe. And again we come back to that awareness. Then we start picking something from our toolkit to invite safety in.
And this can be very powerful - for our children, to grow up with less shame around 'negative feelings' (or 'dysregulation'...) and also for our inner children - to know that it's safe to feel these things. To know that we won't be banished or loved less because of them.
So how can you apply this? Here are some prompts:
- Notice - What are the signs that my stress is going up?
(you might notice sensations in your body, patterns of thinking, a way of speaking to yourself or interacting with others, certain emotions)
- How can I access a sense of safety?
(you might have a practice, or a person or a sensation you can ground into. You might need to do preventative measures - for example I get very 'hangry' and need regular snacks!)
- How might I practice allowing my own safety to offer co-regulation to my little one(s)?
(you might sit quietly next to them with a focus on your breathing. You might take a moment to pause after the initial spike and remind yourself you're safe - channel your inner cat foster mum!)
How does that all land? If you've got any thoughts or questions I'd love to connect - you can send me a reply to this email.
------------------------------------------------------------
|
