Working with your bullshit
Being kind doesn't mean going easy on yourself. It means knowing yourself and working with yourself, not against yourself.
This is a free post! If you’d like to support my work, please share this with someone who would find it interesting!
If you can, you can upgrade to a paid subscription to get double the posts you normally get.
The biggest change I’ve made in my life to build compassion for myself is to build a relationship with myself. It’s knowing what I want to do, and what I don’t. My values, the way my brain works. By learning what I’m like, I’m better at working with myself, leaning into my strengths and building ways to avoid self-sabotaging.
When I worked a day job, I worked four days a week. I did this for a while because it means I could work on SelfCare Backpack without burning out (and also I think 4 days a week should the default). I took Wednesdays as my preferred day off. Most people looked at me oddly when I said that and ask why I didn’t want a long weekend. The reason was because I worked on SelfCare Backpack on my day off during the week. Having a Friday or a Monday off meant I’d either spend the whole long weekend relaxing and wouldn’t achieve my goals, or I’d work all weekend and not take a break. That demarcation of ‘weekend’ and ‘weekday, but not my day job’ wass vital to my ability to manage day job and side job. I know myself and my patterns, and I work with them, not against them.
I know that I work better listening to background chatter over music, so I re-listen to old favourite podcasts or books while I work. I know I pay attention when I’m doing something with my hands, so I cross stitch in meetings. I know that taking multiple smaller breaks is better for me than working for hours and taking longer breaks, so I try to make sure I have five minutes between tasks to decompress, which means I’m more likely to actually get more stuff done.
The misconception about being kind to yourself is that you go easy on yourself, which is not true. Being kind requires being empathetic but also firm. It’s boundaries as much as it’s encouragement. It’s setting yourself up for success, and setting up safety nets, so you catch yourself earlier if you start to stumble.
But how do you build a relationship with yourself? How does that work? It’s a weird concept.
The answer is that it works similarly to building a relationship with someone else: spending time together, being curious about what they’re like, thinking fondly off them. You can do that with yourself as much as you can with someone else.
I’ll list some ideas here. This list is non-exhaustive and you might find another activity that works for you. If you do, I’d love to hear about your experiences.
Ways I’ve built a relationship with yourself
⁃ Actively spend time with yourself
⁃ Find a hobby that you don’t monetise
⁃ Find things about yourself that you like
⁃ Try to find things you like about yourself that aren’t things you do for other people
⁃ Keep a file of good things people say about you
⁃ Become aware of your inner narrative and start to break some of those patterns
⁃ What does your inner critic say? Can you make that more constructive?