Why I've been missing
I've been having trouble writing recently. This is partly because end of term has been slamming me. This course is intense, and we had a lot to do in the run up to the end of term. There's placement to work on, worrying about getting my hours and work in, as well as keeping on top of life.
That's not the only reason though.
A bigger reason is that I feel…not like a fraud, but that I'm at a point in my healing and work on myself that feels very vulnerable in many different ways.
I'm working on my anxiety. I'm aware that my anxiety is a foundational part of my identity at this point, but in a way that's causing issues. I'm actively looking for things to be anxious about which is exhausting and stopping me from enjoying my achievements or other things in my life.
Things I'm learning in this journey:
Just because I'm listening to my feelings, doesn't mean I'm really giving them space fully
Just because I'm treating myself better than my parents did, doesn't mean I'm not practising emotional abandonment of myself
My anxiety doesn't have to be a fundamental part of myself, I can sit with it, and leave it when I don't need it
All of this means I'm feeling very in flux. I don't know where I'll be in a few weeks or months of this work. I also don't really know what I can offer as a person writing a weekly newsletter about self care and wellbeing while doing this work.
There is also a big part of me that's nervous about sharing this. How can I be a counsellor if I'm still doing this big work? I feel like people expect counsellors to have the answers, to be regulated and stable and further ahead than they are. And that is partly true. I do need to be able to sit with my clients as they have big feelings and go through things, and give them that space.
However, I also know if I can't do that for myself, I can't do it for other people. This work I'm doing is vital and necessary for myself and my clients.
All this to say that while I'll still be writing - I love this newsletter - it might be a bit weird for a while. I want to share what I'm doing, and that's going to be a bit personal and a bit messy. I'm hopeful that it'll still be useful or worth your time. I'm hopeful that by bringing myself to the newsletter in this way I'll be able to share myself fully in a way that feels right, even while it's scary. It'll be good practice.
I'm becoming via unbecoming. Dismantling something that's been load bearing for so long that the process is also scary. But I also know that I can do it. I'm different, in a different situation. I can pull these boxes down, and sort through them and come out calmer, more present, and less scared all the time.
All that being said, I do have some things I want to talk about:
I'm looking at survival at the holidays and working on some new things for that for this year
I want to talk about motivation and anxiety-based motivation vs this kind of motivation that I'm feeling now.
I'm starting this book next week and I'm sure I'll have a bunch of things from there to share: https://www.tarabrach.com/books/radical-compassion/
If there's anything you'd like to see or know, please feel free to drop me an email or comment. I'd love to hear from you.
This has been weird, but felt necessary and I feel better for having shared it. I hope you're all looking after yourself, thanks again for supporting my work, I am so so grateful for you all <3
Gem
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