When you're ill
I have a cold during a heatwave, which is especially grim.
It's been a good reminder of how being compassionate to yourself can take energy, and how easy it is to slip back into older patterns.
Mistakes are catastrophic and permanent, fears are overwhelming, and all sentences are absolute declarations.
"I'll never be able to do this."
"This always happens to me."
"I don't know why I bother, it always goes wrong."
Then often we might busy ourselves, slip into distraction and emotional dampening. Sometimes we don't have a choice, we still need to work, so we move. This often quietens the anxiety, feeling like we're doing something so we must be okay, really. Or we're not okay, but hey, we're regulated, so how bad can it be?
It's not showing ourselves compassion. It's moving away from our feelings, and putting regulation or productivity in it's place.
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I also absolutely know how it feels to be scared that your feelings will overwhelm you, or that you're not in a place to feel them fully. Sometimes you can't meet yourself in this way, but sometimes we can and don't.
Here's what I'm trying to do while I'm nursing this illness.
Keep in touch with myself. I like to touch my hand to my chest as a reminder that I hear that part of myself, and I can allow it to be here, but I'm not going to follow it down the rabbit hole.
There's something I'm currently pretty anxious about - a miscommunication that ended up with my making a mistake. It's something I'm rectifying, and it shouldn't affect anything too badly, but my anxiety is convinced that my life will be over. That I'll be removed from my course, and I'll never be a counsellor. That I'll lose the money I've paid for my course and I'll end up with no career options.
This isn't going to happen. I'm fixing the issue. My tutors want me to succeed, and are supportive. However, that's not going to be enough for the part of me that is scared of being in trouble, which is currently catastrophising about repercussions.
So I need to sit with this part of me, but not be swallowed by it. Can I observe that I'm feeling anxious and angry and let that be, without me following that feeling til I'm lost in rumination?
It requires a lot of practice at centring myself. That touch to my chest is a reminder that I'm here, with my feelings. I'm not going to abandon myself, but I'm not going to go down those pathways either. I'm here though, with an open heart and compassion.
This pause and acknowledgement is an important first step in figuring out what's going on and letting yourself have the space you need for these feelings.
I know that this is more difficult for me right now, because I'm ill. My body is fighting a cold (testing negative for covid at the mo), and so I have less energy for this work.
However, even a moment of sitting on not getting swallowed whole by my feelings is better than nothing. The reminder that I'm worth the effort, even when it's difficult and distressing is important.