Value-based Self Care
It was 2020, I was still figuring out who I was outside my family, and lockdown was in full swing. In therapy I was spending time unpicking my upbringing and life, as well as coping with lockdown.
Alongside that, I’d just set up SCB, and was working with a business coach to help me figure out what I needed to do to grow the business.
At the end of one session, my business coach set me some homework: I was to come to the next session with my top 5 values.
I was stumped. I’d been really disconnected from these parts of myself and was in survival mode, and hadn’t spent time to really get to know myself.
I knew what I valued but not what my embodied values were. I also wasn’t used to assessing myself in such a fundamental way. I was used to assessing myself based on my abilities and value to others.
What are my values?
First I went to google, to find out how people figured out their values. Google told me that people’s values are things you believe are important in the way you live and work.
That still didn’t really help, so then I searched for lists of personal values, to try to get some inspiration. Words like Family, Self-respect, Integrity, and Authenticity came up. This was a good starting point for me.
I value my own authenticity (I’ve spent so long excavating my personality out of trauma responses that I don’t think I could stomach pretending to not be myself any more), so that was a big one.
So I had my first value: authenticity.
I then looked to people I admired, and people I didn’t. What drew me to them? What pushed me away? This can help narrow down your core values.
I came up with five in total: Authenticity, Inclusivity, Community, Curiosity, Gratitude.
I still occasionally review these, or reflect on them. Values might change as you change, they’re not set in stone, but these five are ones I still believe are core to who I am. These are the why behind what I do, and frame all my work.
Looking back, I’ve realised how important this exercise was for me. It came at a weird time - lockdown was in full force, I was sharing a 1-bed flat with my partner, I was still reeling from cutting contact with my family. This exercise forced me to spend time with myself to figure out who I was at a time where that felt new.
I’ve been thinking a lot about linking self care to your values, as a way to help get to know yourself, but also as a way to really embed your self care into your life. We know that when you live aligned to your values, you’re happier, so how do we do that? How do we link our self care to these values?
If I value authenticity, how do I make sure I’m living in a way that allows me to be authentic? For me it means spending time with people who I value me as myself, and who I value for themselves, making sure I have time to reflect and check in with myself, and indulging in things I enjoy, even if they’re ‘guilty pleasures’.
Community means giving back, and being part of a community. I have some volunteer roles that I do, mostly in the queer community. This also helps me be myself more (it’s a lot easier to be non-binary in queer circles), and also is a much needed outlet for me to talk to people when I work alone.
I won’t go through all of them, but aligning self care activities with my values absolutely means my self care is restorative and meaningful. It’s a way to bring what you really need and want in your life to the forefront, and really grounds your self care.
So what are your values? Can you link them to your self care?