Sometimes it's not that deep
Feeling your feelings will always bring some learning, but sometimes that learning is...'oh. Those feelings make sense, I don't need to act on them.', which can leave you feeling adrift a bit.
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Sometimes it’s really not that deep.
Sometimes feelings are just happening, and they’re not significant, nor do they signfy anything. You might be tired, or hungry, or stressed in general, and that can be affecting your emotional response to something, and that’s valid and fine.
I am a planner. If I have a plan I’m comfortable. I used to respond to everything with a plan, because if I found the thing to learn from my feelings and made a plan to avoid it, I didn’t need to feel bad any more! I did the work and had a plan! But what I was actually doing was jumping to the end. I was interpreting my feelings shallowly and using planning to shield myself from feeling them fully.
That meant that everything was something to plan and avoid feeling properly. I wasn’t really digging into my feelings and seeing the patterns. I talk about how part of self care is about knowing your own bullshit, and that means really looking at your patterns and reactions and where they come from. It’s only then you can start to see how you could change the ones that don’t serve.
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This is why I talk about feeling your feelings as an act in an of itself. Sometimes you’ll sit with your feelings, let your brain consider the size and shape of the emotion, and what it’s trying to tell you and you’ll realise something transformational or healing. Sometimes you’ll do all of that and realise that the anxiety was coming from elsewhere, or was a culmination of things that make sense.
You don’t have to change anything, you don’t need to take any action, it’s some emotions you’ve felt, and then they pass through you.
That in and of itself is something. The ability to feel and accept your feelings without acting is a skill that’s worth having. You’ll learn what your feelings and patterns are. When you’re struggling, you’ll be able to accept and honour your feelings, which can help build resilience.
Feeling your feelings is a lesson in listening to yourself, even the scary or embarrassing parts, the needy and insecure parts, and accepting them. Learning that feelings will pass and you can soothe yourself, without having to take action or solve a problem.
This can be unusual if you’re used to solving problems, or doing something to alleviate intense feelings. Sometimes that’s valid, sometimes it’s not. However, empathy is powerful tool and you can do that with yourself. Accept your feelings, validate, and then sit with them, just like you would with someone else. Feel your feelings fully and you might be surprised with what you learn.
This isn’t to gloss over that sometimes those feelings are intense and upsetting. Sometimes you’re anxious or sad, and the circumstances are just the way they are. You’re grieving or waiting on news, or something that means you’re going to have these feelings. Giving yourself space and empathy to feel them is important. Chances are teh swell of the feelings will pass, and you’ll get a (temporary) moment of calm.
Part of all of this also means learning to sit with the dissatisfaction of something not being significant. I spent years untangling trauma, which meant I treated any intense feeling as something to explore. It was valid at the time, but it became less valid as time went on. I have two mental illnesses, intense feelings are part of the package. I don’t need to act on them or make changes. I can reflect, realise it’s fine, and then move on. It felt like I was failing at sitting with my feelings, because I wasn’t learning anything. I was, I was learning that I don’t have to act on every feeling, but I don’t need to suppress it or run away from it either. I can process it and feel it in an appropriate way, and let it go, and then do some self care to deal with the feelings that come from that (it’s self care all the way down, folks!).
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