Self-sabotage
Every so often I remove the paywall from a paid post. This is to share pieces of writing I’m proud of, to advertise signing up for a paid sub, and finally, to give myself a break. This piece was originally posts on 1st May, 2025.
Do you self sabotage?
I used to, I think. Someone in class was talking about self-sabotage in class, and how they prefer ‘the stick to the carrot’ when it comes to motivation. Hearing this made me reflect on my own work patterns. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I relate to myself on a personal level, but not sure much on a work level.
I do work better with a slightly fuller to do list. I find pressure just a little helpful when it comes to being productive and knocking out a to do list. I also know that I struggle with self direction and motivation. I tend to be all or nothing when it comes to work, rather than non-work stuff, like coursework, or chores.
What this looks like:
I feel unmotivated, listless, and generally without direction
I get panicky about what this means for my future, my self-employment, my ability to build an audience
I put together a plan, either really detailed or vague, depending on if I want to try to schedule things strictly or not
The plan goes well, for a while, then something disrupts it (illness, life, etc), and the plan gets dropped
I fizzle out
Rinse and repeat, with more guilt and panic
This is frustrating, and something I’m still actively working on, but it wasn’t until this week that I realised that maybe my pattern isn’t one of (just) being uncomfortable with content creation or marketing myself or chronic illness. Maybe this is self sabotage as well. An insistence to make something work that won’t work for me, and rather than sitting down and figuring out what i need, just trying basically the same but slightly differing things over and over.
That’s not to say I’ve not reflected, but that my reflection hasn’t really been about curiosity. I’ve made the assumption (from experience) that, for lack of a better phrase, I’m the problem. I’m not cut out for the work of marketing and building an audience, and I essentially have to force myself in the least worst way possible.
Now I’m thinking about why I want to share, why I want to talk to people. What I want to say, and why.
I love writing this newsletter, and people love it as well, I get regular positive feedback. So why don’t I advertise it more? Why do I not re-purpose this into videos, given I’ve done the work of writing out my thoughts. yeah, I find videos a bit difficult but you know what would help with that? Practice. And I do want to make videos! I just don’t want to go through trial and error.
There is also some fear there. Fear I’ll get popular in a way I can’t handle. Fear I’ll say something that will jeopardise my burgeoning career. But I also know that I’m on the right side of ethics, and it’s not like I've not spoken to decent numbers of people before.
All of my objections kind of fall apart when I sit and think about it. The fear is there, but it’s a fear of success, which is something I’m aware of, but I wasn’t fully aware that I was sabotaging myself out of it. This is part of the reason why my plans fail. I make big plans because I tell myself i work better under pressure, then I don’t follow through because of unprocessed fear, the plan doesn’t get executed, I throw the plan out the window, rinse and repeat.
I'm not under any impression that this knowledge will magically break this cycle or make content creation easier. I do have some plans to overhaul my content, and move back to more monthly themes, with journal and reflection prompts, so I can tell a bit of a story over a month. I think that kind of focus will help when I’m looking at my long list of partially written ideas and trying to figure out which one to work on.
I know I’ve spoken about this before, a lot, but this is to me another reason why I love the work I’m doing. There’s always more to discover about yourself, you’re changing and growing all the time. As I step into doing counselling with humans out in the real world, i feel like I'm starting a new phase of this career, and maybe I can find new routines of writing and creation that fit around this new me.