scraps #1 - from lockdown
This is a free series of scraps of things I wrote that never found a home. I'm proud of them, but they didn't fit into what I was doing at the time. So I'm sharing them here.
This piece was written in July 2020. It didn’t quite fit into what I was doing at the time, but I thought it was worth sharing. I tend to get stuck in waiting mode a lot, and this was even more apparent during lockdown, when the concept of what the future looked like was unfamiliar and uncertain. This piece ends a little abruptly, but it’s still good, I think
“Because, this is it now, isn’t it? For a while, at least.”
In my day job I have a weekly one to one meeting with my boss to check in, discuss work, my personal development, all that kind of stuff. My boss asks me every week how I’m doing. Recently he said (paraphrased): “How’s lockdown and working from home going? Because this is it now, we’re going to be working like this for a while, at least until September.”
This pronouncement hit me in an unexpected way. I knew, intellectually that this work from home set up was going to be for the foreseeable, and I have no plans to go socialise with people any time soon. But something about the ‘at least until September’ and ‘this is it’ made it more immediate, somehow.
I realised I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern for a long time. I’ve been pushing things off until ‘after’. Not even necessarily ‘after the pandemic’ or ‘after lockdown’ as I know consciously these things don’t really just ‘end’, but a vague ‘after’ became a place I was shoving more and more things.
This suspension and disconnect from normal activities and routine, this sense of holding, had been something I hadn’t noticed I was experiencing until my conversation with my boss.
Everything is uncertain, but if this is long term uncertainty, what now? If this is it, if I have more months of this way of living or being, what are my routines? What are my rituals? How do I keep myself grounded and moving forward, rather than just putting things off with a vague timeline of ‘after, when this is over’. How do I choose what to do and what to let go?
There is also a sense of not having any solid ground. Long term uncertainty is exhausting. If your life is uncertain, you have no job security, you don’t know when you’ll be able to see loved ones, maybe you’re holding onto grief or anger or something until ‘after’, then how can you make any changes, or do anything that isn’t directly in front of you?
It feels completely out the realms of possibility to consider changes or adding more to your plate in these circumstances. But I don’t think you necessarily need to make changes if you don’t need to. This is more about finding some certainty or solid ground to support you. This can come from routines or rituals. Something you do have control over, even the simplest of things.
Your rituals can be anything that provides a touchstone or time marker to your day. Something you do regularly that you have control over, ideally something that is nurturing or caring for yourself.
Making sure you’re taking your meds at the right/same time. This is difficult for me as I used to take them just before leaving the house for work. As that’s not a thing I do, there are times I don’t take my meds til lunchtime, or sometimes forget if I’ve taken them altogether. I now make an effort to take them at the right and same time.
Getting some time to yourself, even if it’s just in the shower or bath. This is also a good reason to make sure you’re still showering regularly, if this is difficult for you.
Take some time away from the internet. Read before bed. Have a hot drink. Depending on your relationship with the internet, taking one break a day might be good for you. If you work with computers, try to remember to take a bit of a lunch break away from a screen.