SCB Holiday questions post 1: How do I deal with a family I hate?
For the past couple of years, I've invited questions about survivng/enjoying the holiday period. I'm going to be publishing ones from last year and new ones here, free over the next month or so.
Want me to answer your festive question? Fill in the google form here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeLPKrft5a3SMNovmQWbZxykPxG8KY-AC9R48-NSYDi_gk5yA/viewform?usp=sf_link
This question was submitted and answereed over on my old site last year, I’m reposting it here and refreshing the advice.
How do I deal with a family I hate? I don’t want to fall again for their passive aggressive guilt trip of joining them. I want to feel good about myself choosing my own life.
So this question suggests you’re not going to spend time with family and they’ll be difficult about it. Firstly, well done on choosing you, and your life. It’s absolutely the correct decision for you, and I applaud and support you.
Okay, so how to dig deep and get the Christmas you deserve.
Do what you want to do. Make the absolute most of your time. For me that’s cooking a ridiculous amount of food, and enjoying it. For you it might be ordering food to be delivered and not getting out of your pjs. Or something in between. Don’t let other people’s disapproval stop you from celebrating as you deserve to.
You don’t have to discuss your decision. You can simply say ‘I’m not able to make it this year’. Now, it’s easier said than done, and people will absolutely demand to know why, and why you’re punishing them and but we’re faaaaamily. Don’t get drawn into discussions! You have plans. They don’t need to know what those plans are.
I can’t give you the words that will magically make your family accept your decision without pushing, or questioning, or guilt tripping. Conversations are going to happen and they’re going to be grim and you’ll leave them feeling angry/guilty/maybe disappointed in yourself (I had things where I knew I had a backbone but it would disappear in the face of guilt tripping, because that was the pattern all interactions in the past had had, and I was used to making things better and smoothing things over).
As long as you’ve kept your plans, that conversation was successful, and you get to be proud you’re putting yourself first.
If they want contact with you over the holidays, set times to jump on a call. Say you’ll be busy over the holidays, and don’t want to interrupt their plans, so it’s better to set a time. Don’t let them encroach. Give them some time (15 or 30 mins), and then go. They’ll complain and guilt trip, but they’ll do that anyway, because the only good option in their eyes is what they want. So if you’re going to disappoint them anyway, you may as well not lose too much time to disappointing them.
Change the conversation to be about them. “Yeah, I just couldn’t make it work this year. Anyway, how’s <family member>?” Choose a subject they’ll talk about, and let them fill the space.
Give yourself permission to do things like this. Have the shallow relationship. Disengage. It’s fine. Treat them like a distant aunt who you only see at weddings and funerals. It’ll be tough, and you might feel guilty.
I know that there were times where deep down, I wanted my family to be the family I deserved, that other people got. Where was my support and love? Why was I constantly asked to provide support to people who never offered anything back, and took more than I could offer, without even noticing how much they were taking from me?
Allow yourself these feelings, but don’t let them overshadow the time. Celebrate the success of having your plans, have pride in yourself for looking after you, and dig deep to enjoy your time.
Lean on the people who do love and support you. Focus on spending time with them, and know that family is built and chosen as much as it is ditacted by biology.
There’s an unique mix of anger-resentment-guilt-sadness that comes from having to tightly manage interactions with family just to survive with your mental health remotely intact. It’s unfair, and wrong, and you deserve better. I’m sorry you don’t have that. But know that there are people out there that support you. That will send you strength and love over this period. I’m one of them.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you for asking, and I hope you get the break you deserve.