Reframing as self-compassion
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Let’s talk about reframing to be more self-compassionate.
I’ve been wanting to write about self compassion again recently, as I find myself becoming more compassionate to myself. It's a big topic, so I’ve been blocked on how to conceptualise what I want to say. Then I saw some posts on instagram about reframing your thoughts and it triggered this newsletter.
If you don’t want to head to instagram, or don’t have an account or whatever, here’s one of the reframing:
😿 “I’m lazy and failing at life.”
Let’s reframe that thought together:
“I’m not lazy; I’m adapting to what my body and mind need right now. Doing less is okay.”
This can feel like you’re coddling or gaslighting yourself if you’re not used to it. I wanted to share some questions I ask myself when I’m having trouble doing a task that I need to do at some point (especially if there’s a deadline), while still being compassionate to myself.
“Do I need to rest?”
Am I tired? Do I not have the brainspace for this work right now? Will rest actually help me do a better job after I’m rested?
If the answer to these questions are yes, and if I have time, I try to actually rest. Now, what may feel familiar to you (and does to me when I’m in this space), is that I don’t do my task, but I don’t rest either, instead sitting, beating myself up mentally and/or dissociating. The result is I’m still tired and I’ve not done my task. It’s really inefficient.
So, can you rest? If so, commit to resting. That’s now your task. Sit with intention, go lie down, pick up a book, put on a film, whatever rest looks like to you, do that. Chances are, you’ll feel better afterwards.
Now, there’s a balance here as well. I want you to commit to resting because we’re bad at it, generally. Capitalism doesn’t want us to rest, the to-do list is endless, and the world is burning. It can be really hard to take that time for yourself.
But, I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you find rest difficult, because that is another way to spend your energy in a way that doesn’t serve you.
So, if you’re feeling like this, lazy, overwhelmed, and guilty, check in with yourself. Do you need to rest? Can you rest right now? If so, take some time to commit to resting.
“Why am I finding it difficult to do this work?”
Do I not want to do it (but I have to, see accounts, chores, physiotherapy, etc)? Do I not have what I need to do the work? Is it going to be difficult?
There’s a reason you’re finding this difficult. Acknowledging this might help. I often remind myself that I can do things and be anxious or miserable or just meh about it. I can do things and feel that way and get through it. I don’t have to be energised and happy doing everything. Sometimes this acknowledgement helps. Heck, do it out of spite if you want.
Sometimes I find ways to make it easier or less terrible. I am a fan of listening to audiobooks while doing things like chores that don’t need my whole attention. It makes it a bit more bearable if I have someone telling me a story while I do it.
Maybe there’s a way of working you can change to make it happen. For some things I find it easier to go work at a co-working space to get it done. If I have a piece of homework that I’m finding difficult, I take myself to my co-working space and manage to power through it, whether because of the change of scenery, being surrounded by other folks working, or just putting that effort in to travel means I want to make the most of it and be productive.
“What will doing this enable me to do?”
This is reframing basics. Instead of ‘I have to do this thing that I don’t want to do’, it’s ‘I have to do this thing, but it will enable me to do this thing that I want to do’.
I have to do my accounts and taxes, because otherwise, my business will be a mess. Do I want to do them? No. Does this make it easier to do them? Eh. It makes me feel a bit more inclined to get them over and done with. Get it off the to do list so I can focus on the parts of my business that I enjoy.
“Am I feeling shame about this task?”
Do I feel like I should ‘just be able to do this’?
Shame is a big one. I’ve spoken before about my shame around housework and chores. I find them difficult to do consistently, and this causes me shame. I have a deep and storied history with shame, and it’s a big part of cptsd. I’m getting better, mostly due to therapy and this self-compassion work, but I do still find myself feeling shame at times. This is toxic shame that tells me I’m a terrible person because I can’t keep my house clean. This is when I have to kind of talk myself down and find small ways to engage with cleaning.
My biggest breakthrough has been making things work for me. Let me share the most recent example of this in my life.
Today I am picking up 3 laundry baskets. The reason is because the counter above my washing machine has become where clean clothes go to die. This feels overwhelming when I go into the utility room and see piles of clothing.
So, what can I do to make it easier on me to engage with, and take clean clothes upstairs, given I’ve proven that this is a problem for me?
I’m going to fold clothes into the laundry baskets (one for my clothes, one for my partner’s, one for bedclothes/towels/etc). Then we can use these as clothes storage, or it’ll make them easier to take upstairs. You might be thinking many things here: why didn’t you have these already? How is that a job you have trouble with? Or maybe you also find it difficult. Instead of sitting in that toxic shame and not doing anything, I’ve realised how we work, realised there’s nothing wrong with that, and made a chance to make our way of working neater and more effective.
The shame was blocking me from seeing these things, and a way forward. After sitting with it, being compassionate to myself, and engaging with my processes as they are, I’ve found a change that I’m hopeful will make at least that chore a lot easier on me.
In conclusion
This stuff is difficult, and is a constant learning journey. Reframing takes effort, and the steps forward may feel small and barely noticeable. However, it does work, and I think makes it easier to find ways to make things work for you.
Here are the questions in an easy list to can copy and paste somewhere to reflect on if you’d find that useful:
“Do I need to rest?”
“Why am I finding it difficult to do this work?”
“What will doing this enable me to do?”
“Am I feeling shame about this task?”
Next time you’re thinking that you’re lazy or shame about the work you’re not getting done, maybe take a moment to think about what you’re saying to yourself, and what you actually need in this moment.