Reflection as spending time
The thing about reflection is that it’s not really meant ot have a goal. Yes you may come to some conclusions or have a breakthrough, but that’s really a side effect. The point of reflection is to spend time with yourself.
It’s one of the issues people have with starting. We want prompts or structure or format (though a lot of people prefer freeform like morning pages). I often find starting journaling difficult, like I need to give context or find a voice. I try to limit myself to enough context that I can come back and review my journal and know what I was talking about, then I get into the feelings.
Often I can find a reason or a block (like last week, realising that I am stuck in planning mode because I’m solving my feelings, rather than processing them), but then I need to stay there, and let the feeling sit.
The urge to find action to resolve uncomfortable emotions is strong, but I know from experience that that’s akin to running away, and the feeling will keep coming back, stronger, until I actually sit with it.
I know my feelings pretty well now, but that means I tend to skip to the end a lot quicker. I know what my anxiety feels like (tight in my throat, wanting to move and do something, almost panicky in my need to ‘fix it’), so sitting with it often feels unnecessary. But that’s when it’s most necessary. Sitting with it means I’ll move through it without action.
Sitting and reflecting often means I’ll move through my feelings to what’s underneath. I can hear the voices or access the memories that are prompting my feelings or actions. I often tell my therapist that I can hear 16 year old me or 30 year old me, and those words aren’t really relevant any more. Parts of me are trying to keep myself safe, but I don’t need that any more, and being able to realise and hear these parts of me is a way of healing and growing.
Sometimes it’s not like that. Sometimes it’s knowing what my feelings feel like, the sensations they’re prompting in my body, and the memories they’re prompting, and I can reflect on that.
This is important by itself. Often the connections we make and reasonings we have are so ingrained that we don’t really know the ins or outs of them. Or we know it so well that we don’t realise when we’ve grown and changed and no longer need it.
Learning to sit with internal discomfort, learning to not push against your emotions, thoughts, and memories is a long journey, and one that needs revisiting a lot, as I’m currently re-learning. I’m constantly learning mroe about myself as my life changes, and it’s never not a good thing overall. It’s a joy, to spend time with myself and learn who I am and how I tick, and spending that time is an act of self-love.
Thank you for being a subscriber to mu newsletter. For as little as £5 a month, you can upgrade to a paid subscription and get weekly writing from me.
This week, I invite you to spend some time reflecting (if you feel safe to do so), without any end goal. When you feel the urge to plan don’t go down that route. Stop if you need to, ground yourself back in the present, and think about feelings, sensations, memories. It might feel weird or difficult, or pointless, but it’s good practice.