Power of trusting in yourself
I have a little pile of books that live on my desk. They are a mix of a couple of books I need to move to somewhere else and I’ve not done that yet, a book I need for class, and Overcoming Burnout, by Nicole Rose.
The reason that last one is here is because I have approximately three half-written newsletters that reference this book specifically, and this is one of them.
And yet, I am also beginning to feel the power in my vulnerability. The power of flow and trust, and the power of gentleness, healing, and radical self-care - Overcoming Burnout, pg 70
At the time of writing this, I’m less than two days away from having my first placement session. This means I’ll be providing counselling sessions to someone who’s referred to me by a service. This will be the first time I’ll be in a session with someone who isn’t a peer on the course, but a stranger. It will be over the phone as well, so we won’t even see each other.
This is an interesting position to be in, especially taking into account my recent insights into my self sabotage and pattern of needing to be in control.
I have to trust myself, because I have nothing else. There'll be no one in the room to give me feedback, no safety net. Just me and the other person on the other end of the phone.
Self sabotage absolutely shows up as me invalidating myself and my feelings, and making me feel small and child-like in situations where I’m anxious. It’s inherently a feeling of powerlessness in the face of not knowing exactly how to handle the situation.
I’ve spent a few days sitting with my anxiety, replaying our initial phone call to set up the session to pick it apart (did I speak too quickly? Did I come across as unfeeling?), and generally feeling not ready for this next step.
The anxiety is normal. Looking at my phone call and seeing where I can improve is fine. But ruminating on it for days is not doing me any good.
So I’ve been reflecting on my journey, listening to my mind and body and generally preparing myself to be grounded and present for my session on Wednesday.
This quote from Overcoming Burnout is something I come back to. The power of flow and trust. I need to trust in myself, and trust I have what I need right now, to provide what that client needs. Being in session with someone is an act of collaboration, which is an act of giving up control and trusting the process that happens between counsellor and client.
I’m also thinking back to where my old previous counsellor would talk about me tending to my feelings. Letting whatever happens happens, moving things as I need to, encouraging some to flourish, making sure some feelings don’t overcrowd others (I am not a gardener, but this analogy speaks to me). It’s less an act of control, and more an act of gently working with my feelings to learn them and be able to be with myself.
It’s only if I can learn to do these things with myself, that I can learn to sit with others while they try to learn it for themselves.
Everything is a work in progress, but I can trust in how far I’ve come, and take my power from that.