On being triggered
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Self care has to be deliberate. If it’s not then you’re not fully embedded in the process. That doesn’t mean you need to be thinking ‘I am going to do self care by doing this specific thing’. It’s more like being present in the activity itself.
It’s reflecting on what’s working and what’s not. It’s being present in the joy or care that the activity brings.
I got triggered recently by something, and had to wait almost a week to resolve it. This meant I was really anxious for most of a week, in and out of rumination and flashbacks. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a situation like that, and it flagged a trigger that I’ve not had to think about in a long time (me making a mistake and having people be angry and inconvenienced by me), so I hadn’t worked on it.
It reminded me of how far I’ve come, that I’m unused to being this anxious and triggered, which was nice to remember, but it was also really difficult.
It was really really hot in the UK, which I do not deal with well, and that didn’t help. What it did mean though is that we ate a lot more salads and cold food.
I spent time chopping vegetables, mixing dressing, and eating really good, colourful food. It meant I spent time on myself, and my partner, and we were eating healthy. It helped me be present in the moment, reminding me that there’s more than my trigger and impending confrontation (it wasn’t really a confrontation, but it felt like it was going to be one, and that made me anxious).
I read more, which was wanting to dissociate from my thoughts a bit, but I tried to read instead of doom scroll tiktok. It’s a better way to distract myself, and still get me out of my head a bit.
Giving myself care even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it was something I tried to engage in.
It was difficult. I didn’t want to engage with myself, because I was ruminating and triggered, and because I’d made a mistake, and felt like I didn’t deserve kindness until I made it right.
It felt like I was stuck, unable to do anything until I resolved this. It made it difficult to work, or relax, or anything. As the week went on it got easier, but it was never easy. Everything took more time and effort. It was a startling reminder that I am still mentally ill, and it can (and will) disable me at times. It just hadn’t happened in so long.
I coped with it better than I had done previously. I sat with my feelings, worked through them, distracted myself when I needed to, made sure I worked enough.
I fed myself good food, went for walks, slept at night. Basic stuff, but when you’re struggling it’s the basics that can be the most difficult and meaningful.
I kept talking to people - mostly over whatsapp or slack - but I kept contact. I did cancel a few in person meetups, just not up to keeping things together in public too much. I knew I’d be distracted and I wanted to limit my exposure to things out of my control in case I got triggered more. It’s a defence mechanism, avoid as much as possible that you can’t control.
Adding to this hot mess of trauma was that, the day I got triggered, I ran into a transphobe while I was out shopping. They were campaigning to take trans women’s rights away, asking me to email my MP for the upcoming election. So I really was not feeling being out and around humans I didn’t know and trust.
I did a therapy session to talk through this trigger, I did the thing I needed to do to resolve the issue, and I got through it all.
I wanted to share because this is what this work is for. It’s a way of me seeing how far I’ve come. I thought many times during this week ‘I used to be like this all the time, how did I do anything?’. I recognised the feelings very well, and there was some fear that I’d backslide completely. I managed it well, all things considered.
There were some moments where I was very aware that other folks would have managed this with barely a thought, but that’s what cPTSD will do to you.
It means taking more time and effort to manage some things, and that’s okay. There’s always more work to do, but sometimes things are gonna mess you up, and you learn to deal.
As much as I want to make sure I work through this trigger, I also want to give myself grace and kudos for not completely falling apart for the whole week.
What would I do better in future: Keep to a routine. Go for walks in quieter spots. See a friend in person.
What I’d do the same: cook, read, get work done. Keep busy, and deliberately so.
Overall, I’ll give myself a 7/10 for this week, and that’s not bad at all.