I’ve been vacillating on what I want to write this week. That’s why this email is later than normal.

This is partly because of gestures at the world but also because my own anxiety is kicking my arse right now. I recognised how far I’d come with the process of failing last week and that is still true, but as my take two at this process looms and I see how high the bar is, I’m starting to doubt myself.

My trust in myself is shaky, because I spent a lot of time second guessing what I actually wanted or thought or felt, in the face of gaslighting. It’s a safety mechanism: figure out what I need to be to keep people happy, and I’ll be safe.