On Anxiety
I’ve been vacillating on what I want to write this week. That’s why this email is later than normal.
This is partly because of gestures at the world but also because my own anxiety is kicking my arse right now. I recognised how far I’d come with the process of failing last week and that is still true, but as my take two at this process looms and I see how high the bar is, I’m starting to doubt myself.
My trust in myself is shaky, because I spent a lot of time second guessing what I actually wanted or thought or felt, in the face of gaslighting. It’s a safety mechanism: figure out what I need to be to keep people happy, and I’ll be safe.
This is an old safety mechanism, one of my oldest. It’s been a while since this button has been pressed, so it’s a bit of a surprise to see it here. It’s getting in the way of me doing my best work, because I’m second guessing everything, I’m looking for danger, and I’m finding it hard to focus.
I’ve built a lot of trust in myself over the past few years. This is different though. It’s not trust in my ability to be resilient or get through or make things work, it’s my ability to step into this role as a counsellor.
I’m veering between knowing I can do it and doubting every life choice I’ve made in the past few years. I recognise that the latter is an old voice that wants me to play it safe. It wants me to be safe, at the cost of doing what I want to do.
Here’s what I’m doing, and hopefully this will be useful if you, too, are feeling unfocused, hypervigilant, full of imposter syndrome, anxious etc.
Feel your feelings.
Notice what I’m feeling. Sit with it and notice it. Don’t label it as good or bad, and don’t try to plan or intellectualise it. Notice it.
Name the feeling. Use and emotion wheel to help
Where is the feeling in my body?
What effect is it having on me? What is my first instinct now I’ve noticed it? Normally for me it’s action or distraction. Something to help me move the feeling along. This isn’t helpful right now. It’s just a way of running away from feeling a feeling.
Validate the feeling. Chances are there’s a reason for this feeling. It may not be valid in this context, but it’s there, and validating it will help me get through it. It may be oversized or a misfire, but just telling myself what I’m feeling and making space for it can help.
Only after that do I move in some way. But I’ve learnt not to do something that’s an action or distraction. It’s doing something more mindful that still allows me to be present in my body. Journal, go for a walk, do some light tidying. Something that I can do with my hands that doesn’t take too much thinking power so I can still reflect on the feeling.
Repeat as necessary. This is a practice, it’s difficult and messy but it works.
Once I’ve reflected and felt my feelings, I try to do something. This newsletter took a while because I’ve had to do some of this work, but I’m going to get it out because I want to and I’m determined not to miss a week.
I do feel that doing something small and productive that goes against my anxious instinct is important to my process. It’s a balance between making space for those feelings, but then doing something afterwards. I still need to do things, and sometimes do them anxious, but I also need to give myself space to let that anxiety be for a while. Learn to be kind to myself and my anxiety even when it’s not helpful, because it’s trying to keep me safe.
In doing this I can learn to work cooperatively with all these different parts and versions of me, and move towards a new version of me. Carl Rogers says we’re all constantly in the process of Becoming, and this is just another step on that journey.
Some reminders for these troubling times:
Self care in crisis • Buttondown
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