Making different choices
I want to talk about making the choice to do something differently.
This reflection started during recovery from surgery, and it seems relevant given we’re going into the new year.
I’m used to managing my time and energy and listening to my body. It’s a skill I’ve had practice on, knowing when I can push (or when I need to push), and when to step back. Sometimes pain needs rest, sometimes it needs distraction, and I’m pretty good at knowing which is which.
I’m used to capitalising on energy, using it to catch up or get ahead, so when I need to rest, I can do so without too much stress.
What I’m not used to is choosing to not use energy.
In the weeks after surgery, I knew that even when I felt energised, I had to be careful, because that energy was needed to heal. I’m still healing, the scar slowly shrinking. I’m still having to massage it and do daily physio to make sure my neck muscles are fully recovered.
So I’m doing things, but still listening to my body and choosing to rest when needed.
This is a new balance.
There’s some anxiety there: I have some deadlines and I need to meet them, so I’m prioritising as and when I can. I’m so used to dealing with this anxiety by taking action that this calculated non-action is uncomfortable.
There have been times during my healing process when my body has been very clear that I can’t do anymore. It’s been a rare time when my brain and body have been sending me the same message: stop.
So I’ve been stopping. I’ve been letting my partner pick up more stuff, letting things go.
It feels different, but in a good way. It’s still uncomfortable. I naturally want to do things, whether work or hobbies, so these periods of not doing things but resting are new to me.
It also feels powerful. It feels like prioritising myself. This is about my physical health on a fundamental level, and it’s something I’ve not had to deal with before.
This dichotomy between this new version of me who can choose to let others take care of me without the fear of being a burden, and a past version of me who finds it deeply uncomfortable is something I’m getting used to as I heal and change.
This accepting my old self while letting my new self take the lead is something I’ve done before, but this feels a lot more anxiety inducing. I’m used to being a person who does things, and who measures my worth by what I do, especially what I do for others. So stepping back and not doing things for myself or others, and asking them to do things for me is deeply uncomfortable.
It means accepting that I’m worthy of people’s love, time, and energy even (maybe even especially!) when I’m unable to do things.
I’m trying to hold that past version of me that is so anxious about being rejected for being too much and needing too much. It’s difficult, because that version of me is there for a reason, and there’s evidence there to back up those feelings. They’re not relevant any more, but it takes a while to unlearn these things.
All this to say that surgery recovery has been uncomfortable on more than just a physical level.
Why am I sharing this? It’s the new year, and we tend to think about new habits, new plans, and new ways we want to be at this time of the year. Change can be painful and difficult, even when the change is small. Making different choices can cause anxiety and stress, as well as taking more energy, because you need to be more deliberate.
If you want to make some different choices this year, this is your reminder that a lot of the time, our habits and choices are there for a reason. There’s a foundation there that might need some exploration and excavation to make changes stick.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate these parts of yourself. Those past version of you helped you get to where you are now, and honouring them as you put them to rest is a lot easier than trying to negate and ridicule them.
If I could leave you with anything, it would be these questions:
What changes do you plan to make in the new year?
Why do you want to make these changes?
What will be difficult about these changes and why?
How can I support myself as I navigate these changes?