Kind accountability and consistency
Kind accountability is a reframing exercise. It's similar to the way I use affirmations as future compliments: instead of framing an improvement or change you want to make as a 'I want to stop doing x', you frame it as 'I want to do y'. This works for multiple reasons, I think.
Firstly, it works on a goal (which is an example of positive motivation), as opposed to shame (which is negative motivation). You want to be moving towards a goal, not solely avoiding shame.
Once you have that future compliment you can figure out what you need to get there. Treat it like development, like you would at work. Heck, apply SMART to it if you want (SMART is a way of making goals realistic, they could be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound). This could be useful if you're trying something new and want to see if it's working. Figure out what that looks like for you. Maybe it's the absence of an event. Maybe it's a feeling. Maybe it's an external, tangible event.
This means you're focusing on what you want to change and why, and less on the shame of not changing it.
My current goal is around consistency. I wrote about how I find housework overwhelming, and a lack of consistency in doing chores is definitely part of that. I've got a 2 week system, broken down into specific areas and tasks, one per day. I'm hoping this balance of doing something daily, but limiting myself to a specific task will help with my issue.
Consistentcy
One of my big issue with consistency is that I go out with the best intentions, but then something happens, I miss a day, or week, so I throw the whole thing out. My natural reaction is to let perfect get in the way of good enough.
I'm getting better at that, but it's still a push against my nature, as opposed to being fully reframed yet.
Some of this difficulty with consistency is just the nature of my life. It's hard to be consistent when you get migraines on a monthly basis. Some of it is a self-fulfilling prophecy though. A vicious cycle.
I try something -> I miss an internal deadline -> I stop doing the thing -> I feel shame and failure -> I add this to the growing pile of reasons I can't be consistent and I'll never manage to make my own business work because of it.
The thought process then becomes: If I've never been able to be consistent, then it's pointless trying new things to help, because they'll fail, so what's the point?
Trying things over and over and expecting a different outcome may be commonly said to be the definition of insanity, but it's also the definition of practice so, maybe it's worth trying some more.
The shame of inconsistency is a weird one. It's linked in my head to not being reliable. If I can't keep on top of housework or posting on social media in a consistent way, what does that say about my reliability as a person when it comes down to it? If I don't reply to messages regularly, what does that say about my friendship abilities?
For my own wellbeing I'd like to be more consistent. I'd like to not have the stress of being behind on everything, or feeling overwhelmed by all the things I want to do. I want to free up all that energy for actually doing the things I want to do.
To Do Lists
So, let's offload the scheduling of consistency and make a schedule of small, regular tasks I need to do. Let's make them generic enough that I can flex my creativity within them, and move them around if needed. Let's give myself some breathing space to catch up when I have to skip a day due to illness.
It will also act as a framework. If I can do one or two things from my list (most days have 2-3 things), then I've done the minimum. I've met the bar of doing a productive thing, that works towards my goals. I can give myself a pat on the back. If I do all of them, that's even better! I've cleared my plate, and I can spend the rest of the time working on the community, or getting ahead, or writing, or take the day off.
This is the balance I think will work for me now, after thinking over reasons previous attempts have failed. I can't be too rigid, but I need some routine. I need breathing room. I need to be able to follow my energy. This checks all of those boxes.
I'm going to give it a go for the rest of the year to begin with, making any small tweaks as I go.
I'm dreading starting because it means starting something, and what if I fail immediately? But my first task is literally sweeping the upstairs floor, a job that will take approximately 10mins*, and I can listen to an audiobook as I do. I'm hoping getting over that hill will help me push through the rest of it, as I tend to be terrible at starting, but fine once I get going.
*That's another thing I've heard some people find helpful. Time yourself doing tasks so you have a realistic idea of how long tasks take, so you can fit them in easier, or have a more realistic idea of how long the task takes. I may do this to see how much quicker the tasks get as I do them regularly and get into a routine.
I'll post an update in 6 months time, and I'm excited to see where I am then, and how my relationship with consistency has changed along with my self talk.