I've passed my exam
Announcement!
I’m doing two workshops next week! Details here: https://selfcarebackpack.com/links/
I’m done with training until September. I’m now on my way to my final course, after which I’ll be able to practise as a therapist. I still need to do another course before I can set up my own practice, which is the final goal, but still.
Gem Hill, counsellor. In two terrifyingly short years.
I found out I passed my interview and got a place on this course back in April. I remember the first feeling I had when opening the email was anxiety. Just fear. Which was unexpected.
After thinking and reflecting, it’s because it’s real now. There’s very little between me and this new career. Practically, there’s a lot of work. I’ll be in the classroom 10am-5pm once a week, plus I’ll need to do 100 hours of counselling work in a placement, as well as personal therapy, supervision, and the coursework. It’ll be a lot to manage, but I’m really looking forward to it.
However, there’s some bittersweetness there.
The more I step into this world, the farther I move from my old career of software testing. This was a career I had for almost 10 years. I was good at it, I was a part of the community, I had a podcast. It was a career that I enjoyed and it served me well.
It feels weird moving away from that into something else.
It feels right for me to do, I love doing this work and I can’t wait to do it full time, serve a community.
Self-employment is difficult, though. Making money is hard, and I’m forever grateful to my partner for taking on some financial burden. Being the only decision maker, priority setter, marketer, accountant, sales person. All of these things are really difficult, especially when you’ve no experience in it.
However, I love it. I love sharing with people, writing, and helping people.
I miss being part of a close knit community of my peers in the way I was as a software tester.
I was in Romania at the Romania Testing conference a couple of weeks ago, and I felt so refreshed and revitalised after it.
There’s something about being surrounded by a warm, supportive network of people facing the same or similar struggles, or who you can brainstorm ideas with, vent about things, etc. It just feels different.
I think this summer will be a period of me grieving a little, and moving forward. I’ll always be a part of the community - I’ve made some really good friends there - but I’m moving away from the career in a way that feels meaningful and final. It’s exciting! But I need to give space for the fear as well.
Fear and grief still exist, even when the change is something you want, and it’s something I’ve not had much space for. I think it’s still been theoretical until now, whereas now it’s very real and close. It feels like the end of something, even though there’s still a way to go. It feels like I’m committing to this career change now, and letting go of my job that, while challenging, was also enjoyable and comfortable in a way. This is different. It’s not settled as a part of my identity yet. It will do, and I’ll give myself space to accept it and change it, but these things take time.
I think that’s the part of grief we don’t necessarily think or talk about. That a loss or change, even if needed and wanted, changes who you are, and you have to take time to integrate this new part of you (or the loss of a part of you). This is how we move through grief. The acceptance is accepting this new identity and allowing it to be a part of you, letting go of anything that doesn’t fit any more.
This is (generally) a lot easier for a career than it is for a loss of a person, but it still requires the same things. Sit with your feelings, move through them, survive them. Learn to breathe again. Eventually you’ll figure out how to survive as this new person, then live, then find joy, pleasure, and love as this new you.
It takes time, and it’s not in any way linear, obviously. I feel like I use the words 'it's a journey’ a lot, but that’s because it is.
I didn’t expect this to turn into a piece on grief, but that’s how writing goes for me. I write until something falls out, and that’s how it works.
If you’re grieving something, even if it feels really insignificant or ridiculous to mourn, know that you’re not alone in this journey. I hope the words here offer some comfort.
Secret note for my paid readers: I’m launching a podcast this year! It’s going to be called The Mental Workload, and it’s on wellbeing at work. I’m so excited to be back in the podcasting space, and I have plans for the first season already underway. More news coming soon!