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I’ve been thinking about self abandonment recently.

Self abandonment is when you step away from your wants, needs, values, in order to fulfil something else.

This can show up as people pleasing, where you do things you don’t want to or don’t align with your wants in order to please someone else. It could be that you do things for others, pushing yourself into burnout to serve other people.

Sometimes it’s having inconsistent boundaries, or numbing your emotions so you don’t need to feel them.

I think most people have engaged in self abandonment at some point, whether by choice or by an ingrained pattern. Sometimes this is temporary, and/or needed for other reasons:

• Looking after a sick child or partner may require you to temporarily put your boundaries or needs to one side

• Crunch time at work may require a temporary loosening of boundaries while you’re on a deadline

• Interacting with family members may require you to step away from normally held boundaries in order to keep a relationship that fulfills you in other ways

These are choices that you make to step away from yourself a bit, for reasons that make sense to you.

It’s when this becomes ingrained where it can become an issue.

I’ve written before about the various ways I previously abandoned myself: I’ve stopped drinking so I numb my feelings less. I’ve learned to listen to my feelings and not fear them.

This doesn’t mean my work here is done. In fact, it’s the fear of self abandonment that’s currently sitting with me. As I come to the final stretch of the year, a part of me is scared about the future. What if I can’t get a job? What if I try private practice and fail? How do I keep up with my growth without the external routine of a day in class?

The answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and that’s scary. Part of me is scared that I’ll stop being productive after I graduate. That I won’t get a job (because the job market is grim everywhere), and I won’t commit to marketing myself in order to get private clients.

(This is part of the reason my word of the year is commitment)

I recognise that at times I’ve broken promises to myself when it comes to being self employed. I understand this is something I need to sit with and work with the resentful, fearful part of myself.

This is a huge part of self-abandonment: breaking your word to yourself. This leads to a lack of trust in yourself, which in turn. leads to a lack of resilience (if you can’t trust yourself to keep your word, can you trust yourself to hold the hurt when something goes wrong? What if the disappointment and failure comes from not keeping your word to yourself? How do you sit with that double disappointment? The resentment?)

This is my journey at the moment, keeping my own word and sitting with the resentment and disappointment and hurt from old wounds that I never faced.

It involves listening to that part, accepting it, and nourishing it, and myself. Radical compassion is my guide here.

This is a time for compassion, both for others, but also yourself. Part of that compassion might mean facing past betrayal, and showing up for yourself in ways that feel grounded and held.

As I’ve said so many times before, this is a lifetime journey, and I’m glad to be on it.

Further reading: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-essence-of-consciousness/202507/stop-abandoning-yourself-10-habits-to-break-now