Holiday season preparation
The holiday season is upon us. Let's talk about preparing for it
I have a weird relationship with the holiday season. In theory I love the holidays. I love cold weather, and giving gifts. I love halloween, and cooking comfort food. I love spending time with loved ones.
My childhood made me dread the holidays. My parents would put a lot of pressure on themselves, and so on me, to have a good day on christmas, which was difficult for them, because we were poor (they wanted picture perfect, lots of presents, etc), they made bad decisions, and we never really spent long periods of time all in the same room as a family, because most of the time it ended badly.
So I dreaded Christmas and New Year, the only time I couldn’t really get out of going back to my parent’s place. It was stressful and long. I started dreading it in July sometimes.
My first Christmas that was just me and my partner was 2019. He wanted a tree and a turkey, which I wasn’t against. He said that if any of it triggered me we’d stop immediately, he’d take the tree down. So we gave it a go. I splashed out on weird baubles for the tree (Christmas garlic, anyone?), and we decorated and cooked too much food, and I waited for something to go wrong.
It didn’t. I was fine. I enjoyed having that control to do what I wanted (which was mostly nothing, tbh).
This has continued over the years. We put up a tree (now with even more weird decorations), and buy a too-big turkey, and eat leftovers for days. Last year I watched 10 Things I Hate About You while the turket was cooking. We exchange presents, go into a food coma, and play some board games. It’s nice.
I still have some dread though. It’s getting better, but there are times where I feel a deep-seated dread as we get to the end of the year (separate from general time-is-relentless existential dread).
How I used to manage this was push it away. Ignore it because I couldn’t change it, and lean into what I wanted to do. This worked, a bit, giving me things to look forward to, and good things to reflect on while getting through Christmas, but a lot of the time, I was just filling my time so I didn’t have to think. I was exhausting myself so I didn’t have to face the inevitable.
I ignored the dread and the anxiety and the frustration. Then there was the guilt, because I was away from it from most of the year, but my younger siblings were there all year around and I’m selfish and spoiled for dreading it so much. And anger that my parents were putting us all through this anyway. It was a lot, swirling together.
It didn’t really work, because pushing away your feelings never really works (though I think the only thing that would’ve worked was me cutting contact, to be honest).
I started to think about how better to manage all of this. What helped while I was there, and before and after. Then what I can do differently now, now I have more control over my situation.
What helped
My phone saved my life a lot. Having reminders that people cared about me in a way that was nurturing was important to keep me grounded.
Reminding myself it was temporary
Finding joy where I could, often during walks or in times alone, but sometimes not. Sometimes there were glimmers of joy in my home life.
Found in the moment self care I could do. I couldn’t fix the situation, but I could maybe make the next five minutes better.
Community challenge
This month on the SCB discord community we’ll be looking at prepping for the holiday season.
Starting with prioritising what we want and need to do, then moving into reminders and affirmations, then building an emergency kit. Then finally it’s celebration time, because the holiday period is a time for celebration (all time is a time for celebration), even if it’s a private celebration just for you.
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