Empathy wrap up post
I’m doing some virtual events in July! I have a mid-year reflection workshop on July 2nd, and on July 3rd, I’m doing a mid-year affirmations session!
I’m very excited to do some reflection and planning with people. I’ve had a really productive year, but very little of what I’ve achieved is actually on my to do list. This means I need to spend some time reflecting on what’s going well and what I need to change. This workshop will be based on my own reflective practice and I’d love to see you there <3
Now on to your regularly scheduled content.
This is a little wrap up/extended musings on empathy, to round off my series.
Empathy is difficult. It takes effort, self-awareness, and resilience. In learning to be more empathetic you’ll find things out about yourself that might come as a bit to a shock.
For example: In my therapy course, we did a hopes and fears session at the start. A bunch of people said their fears were submitting homework through a website because they weren’t good with tech. This really frustrated me. I couldn’t figure out why, so I did some reflection, essentially doing the 5 whys with myself until I got to the root cause for my frustration.
The root cause I got to was ‘I would never allow myself to be that helpless’. I was finding it hard to be empathetic because I wouldn’t allow myself to get empathy if I were in that position. I’d deny myself empathy.
This is where self-awareness comes in. Sometimes, we find it hard to be empathetic because of their actions and how we feel about them. Sometimes it’s not about them at all
This is why self awareness is a huge part of empathy. So much of it is about you. Deepening empathy will deepen your self-awareness. It will also help you build this self-awareness with kindness. This revelation came as a shock, but I didn’t beat myself up about it. I wanted to see this part of myself and give me the empathy I need. Then I can see how I feel after observing this about myself and treating myself with empathy.
The same goes for my people pleasing. It’s me acting to alleviate my anxiety, not doing something out of love and affection. If I don’t give myself empathetic space to reflect, give myself the attention I need, I’ll never move through this to move past people pleasing.
This is the thing about empathy. It can be empowering to be empathised with. We spend so much time thinking about if we should feel the way we do, or beating ourselves up over what we do that we never give ourselves space.
Feeling your feelings in an empathetic way is a way to move through them.
In my experience increasing self-empathy leads to an increase in self-compassion. Self-compassion is a great motivator for change. It doesn’t mean going easy on yourself, it means being kind and using that kindness to see what you need to support changes you want to make.
You can’t hate yourself into someone you love
Next time you fuck up, or comtemplate something about yourself that you’d like to change, start with empathy. Feel the frustration, disappointment, anger. Feel it all, even the stuff that feels unproductive. Sit and move through it. See what’s left afterwards. Then maybe you can start to put a plan together that feels more doable, more sustainable. Find people to help, find ways to make things work for you, no matter how it looks or feels.
Make sure you acknowledge the good as well as the bad. Celebrate your wins fully. Find what works for you and continue to do it.
This is all so much easier if you don’t beat yourself up constantly.
I realise as I write this, this is what I’m doing right now. I’ve written a to-do list for the rest of the month. I’ve not been doing great at clearing to-do lists so far this year. I’ve achieved lots, but not a huge amount on the to do list for the year.
I’m reflecting on what’s going well for me (consistent posting on socials, recording a video every week or so - I want to get better at this, writing), and what’s not working so well (the balance between planning content and letting me follow my energy leading to things not being scheduled in advance a lot is a hard one to manage at times. Actually advertising myself and getting business in).
I want to do some more tracking of my mood and how much I’m writing/editing, but I find consistency difficult in these things, so I’m going to put some reminders in my calendar to do things daily, weekly, etc.
I’m also coming to the end of my therapy course, so I want to take advantage of the break before I start up again in September.
How to do this empathetically? Take a step back, take a breath.
Think about time, energy, and what I want to achieve. What do I need to do? What’s good for the business? What’s good for me? Where am I feeling resistance to tasks, and why?
Empathy and self-compassion works here because it allows me to have accountability and let myself do what I need to get these tasks done in a kind way.
Empathy is something we do for ourselves and each other, and bringing this practice into our day to day life can be empowering. It’s a long journey, one that I’m still on, but it’s making my life easier and better every day.
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