Compliment yourself
When was the last time you complimented yourself, without caveat. No buts, or ifs, no deflecting to talk about something or someone else. Just complimented yourself?
It can be difficult to do, we often tend to deflect, by talking about what we didn’t do well, or how we got help from other people, as opposed to letting us to take a compliment. It feels boastful, ‘taking’ credit, as opposed to just letting us be happy with our work really can do a number on our self esteem and self talk.
We talk about constant improvement, and getting constructive and realistic feedback on our work is important, but the key terms are constructive and realistic. Which sometimes means accepting we did a damn good piece of work, regardless of what else happened.
Outside of work, and productive things, it can be even harder to compliment ourselves. We find it hard to gauge ourselves on things, especially on things that society devalues, like care work, artistic or creative endeavours, or doing things ‘just for fun’.
I know people who are great cooks or bakers, run tabletop games, are volunteers in their community, but will often comment that ‘it doesn’t count’, because they don’t make money from it, or don’t do it as good as other people, or ‘it’s no big deal’.
These are things that bring joy to both the people doing them and the people around them. They might not be big deals, or make money, or be at the top of the pyramid, but they are good at what they’ve chosen to do with their time.
You may be asking, as I did at this point, why does it matter? Why am I here talking about people complimenting themselves about stuff?
The answer, as with all things, is multilayered, and we’ll work through it together.
First: I want people in my life to not be so hard on themselves. I like the people in my life and them not being able to accept compliments from others, never mind give them to themselves makes me sad on their behalf. These are my feelings to deal with though, so we’ll put them to one side.
Second: This is a nice way to push back against negative self talk and your inner critic. Allowing yourself space to accept what you’re good at can help with pushing back against negative self talk. Negative self talk can affect many parts of your life: it can affect your self esteem, the way you approach new situations, and your mood generally. Working on your inner monologue to be overall more neutral can have a massive effect on your life. One of the ways I’ve done this is to listen to my inner critic for valid concerns or fears, but also learn to celebrate my wins and compliment myself.
Third: we find it easier to compliment things we do for other people, or productive things. We’ll take or give ourselves compliments about our work, for example, but not for a good meal we cooked ourselves. This means we can find it hard to take joy in things that we do just for ourselves, because we can only see our flaws, or mistakes. Learning to do things for yourself that don’t contribute to an overall goal, and learning to compliment ourselves on it can foster a better relationship to ourself and make our hobbies enjoyable and restorative.
Fourth: it’s just nice, and I think that’s really helpful.
So, your challenge for this week/month is to find something to compliment yourself on. Ideally something you don’t do just for others (are you a good listener to yourself as well as others? Do you look after yourself as much as others?).
My compliment: I’m good at listening to my body and giving it what it needs.
What’s yours?