At the start of February, I got a(nother) tattoo. This one is of the moon tarot card.

The moon tarot card has a wonderfully dual meaning. One of the one hand: illusion, fear, anxiety. On the other: Subconscious, intuition.

I am reminded how moonlight can make things look different to sunlight. Shadows can be longer, colours can be muted. Your senses are heightened when you're out alone a night, and you might react differently to things.

My reading of this card is a reminder that sometimes your past can affect your present. Anxieties and patterns that made sense previously might not make sense any more, and sometimes you need to check in and see where these feelings are coming from, and if it's needed here.

This is on my mind as I write this, because I am more anxious than expected today.

Part of this is expected:

• I have a lot of work to do. Not an impossible amount, but still

• I have a case study to write. My last one was during a rough time in my practice, and so it didn't go well. I'm feeling anxiety about trying again

• I have a meeting on Thursday which is slightly anxiety inducing

• I am out to a show this week and that's triggering some anxiety as well

Let's talk about the last one.

I'm out with friends to go see a theatre play with friends. I'm looking forward to it, but there's some things that remind me of my drinking days. I've definitely drank too much going to see shows before, and when I've been out without my partner. This will be both without my partner and going to see a show, a prime example of a time I'd drink too much in the past.

This pattern is what is showing up now.

Now, I am in no danger of drinking, I have no urge to any more. It's just that pattern that my brain remembers, and wants to protect me from. That fear that I'll ruin the evening or make a fool of myself, or just have a terrible hangover is front and centre of my brain.

The other items on my list are also there - the fear of my case study being marked low again, the low lying pressure of work, a meeting that could be complicated. They're all in the soup of anxiety that I'm currently soothing.

This is what I mean when I say check in and see where the feelings are coming from. My brain really wants to keep me safe, it's the fundamental role it has. Keep my alive and safe. Sometimes this instinct is perfect, but other times it's working on faulty information.

Like a spike of adrenaline when an email comes through, or fighting arguments in your head while you're showering, this is energy your brain is putting into keeping you safe that doesn't really go anywhere. Most of the time, it's keeping you in that high alert/threat state, just in case you need to spring into action. But it's not needed, not really.

So, we have to sit and soothe. Doing the opposite can feel awful: sitting when my anxiety wants me to somehow control something, anything, is difficult. Physically my body wants to move, mentally, my brain wants answers that I can't give it. I can tell myself it's fine, even offer evidence of what that is the case, but this is my anxiety at my least trust-worthy, used to me breaking promises to myself.

I have to remind myself that my anxiety will eventually pass, and I can trust myself and my intuition here.

I'll be fine, I just need to let myself be anxious about it first.