A reflection
My holiday pack is here! This is a reworking version of my survivng the holidays during covid pack, and yoiu can find it over on the scb shop here: https://selfcarebackpack.com/product/mental-health-at-the-holidays/
So I’m in a weird space right now. A list of things:
Still recovering from thyroid surgery
My partner and I are both recovering from covid
The basement got a case of damp when the dehumidifier broke down so we need to replace a bunch of decorations, so we’ve not put Christmas decorations up.
I have some therapy training work to do which requires a bunch of self reflection, which I’m struggling with because I am not feeling the most confident in my skills at the moment (which I’m exploring in personal counselling). Learning to be a therapist: mostly about reflection.
This all means that it feels like Christmas has snuck up on me (except it’s still a week away? So not really?).
Either way, I’m not quite feeling the Christmas spirit, and am mostly looking forward to taking a bit of time off. It feels like I need a whole month off, to do nothing but exist and rest and be. It feels like I’m really behind in everything and I have to do double the work to catch up.
So let’s talk about taking time, and figuring out what you need over the holiday break.
First of all, take a breath. Ground yourself in the moment (whatever moment that is for you right now).
I’m sitting at my desk. I’m going to relax my shoulders and jaw, and spend a moment inhabiting my body.
Then a little moment of gratitude: I have a hot cup of tea, I am safe, I am loved.
This is all to bring me back to the present and allow myself to see my current situation in perspective.
I am tired, I have a lot to do that I am going to find difficult. I am in a pivotal point in my course. It’s okay to feel that pressure. It’s understandable and I’m going to give those feelings some space. I’m going to keep breathing.
Optional: Explore your feelings if you need to. What are you feeling? How does that feel? Where do you feel it physically (if you do)? What effects are those feelings having on you? What memories are coming up for you when you sit with this feeling?
For me, I have a lot going on:
Christmas is always a weird time for me, you can’t undo 30yrs of trauma in 6 or so years. It’s a lot easier now, but sometimes my brain wants to protect myself by over-preparing for the holiday period. Me not being able to do that is causing some unnecessary stress.
I’m at a pivotal point in my course. In January I get my first shot at being declared fit to practice. This will allow me to go and get a placement and do actual therapeutic work with actual humans. This is terrifying and exciting. I am feeling the pressure here. It feels like if I fail this I’ll fail this entire new career. This isn’t true, I get 3 attempts, and will get plenty of feedback if I don’t pass the first time. I’m in an extremely rigorous course for a reason, and I’ve got this far. I’ll get further.
But it’s definitely triggering some stuff from school that I’m dealing with in therapy (long story short: school was the only place I got consistent praise growing up, so I’m now working through that and how it’s affecting me now as an adult back in a small academic setting).
Then general tiredness/health stuff.
On the other hand, I’ve started to really enjoy Christmas (mostly for the food, tbh), but also I’ve enjoyed having a tree and decorations, so I want to get those sorted as well, but I keep reminding myself that it’s meant to be something I enjoy, not something I feel pressure to do.
This is a short introspection into what’s in the stew of my feelings at the moment.
This act has already made me feel less overwhelmed, because I’m giving myself kind space to let myself feel what I’m feeling, and why I’m feeling it. While I have done some work on negating those feelings, it’s not ‘this is a silly thing to feel bad about’, it’s about getting perspective.
This is where I put the note that this works for me, it might not work for you depending on your feelings, mental health issues, etc. Do what feels safe.
So what do I actually need?
I need to make a list so I’m not remembering everything (all the work I need to do, all my deadlines, my shopping list, etc).
I need to spend my time well. I’ve been doing a lot of doomscrolling to dissociate recently, which is not helping anything. Yesterday I finished an audiobook while cleaning my kitchen and while I was tired afterwards, I felt a million times better than if I’d done nothing with that time.
I need to do some work. I don’t want to put it off and have to do everything in the first week of January. I also don’t have to do everything before Christmas. I can do bits and pieces now, take a few days off for the holiday, then come back to it.
I need to slow down, which feels like a common thread in my life. It’s getting easier, but my default is still to rush through things to get them done early or quickly. I think partly this comes from having inconsistent health, partly excitement, partley wanting to make sure I actually finish things. A continuous work in progress.
This isn’t holiday specific, really, but I wanted to give you all a practical guide to working through some feelings, especially at a busy point of the year. I invite you to spend a little bit of time doing the same, and see how it feels to sit with your feelings a little, and see what you need this holiday season.
For me, I’ll be around if you need a chat. I’ll be eating a lot of good food, reading a lot of good books (there’s no way I’m hitting my goals of 50 books this year, but I’m at 41, so that’s pretty damn good), and having some much needed downtime.
I want to thank you all for giving me your time and attention this year. I am consistently blown away that people find my writing worthy of their time.
I hope whatever you’re doing, you have a good time, or at least a not bad time. Be gentle with yourself. I’ll be taking next week off the newsletter, but I’ll be back on New Year’s Day with something about planning, probably.