Archive • Sameach • Buttondown

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the officer asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I opened my bag. "What do you...

A young woman comes to work breathing heavily. "That was the most harrowing car ride I've ever had!""What happened?" her co-worker asked. "I called a taxi...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with...

A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of...

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month.Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well...

Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"Young man: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"Please Daven...

"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" asked the waiter."I'll have tea," replied the first customer."Me too," said the second customer, "and be sure the cup is...

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?""Yes," replied the...

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline P.A. System:"Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind...

The eight Saddam Hussein body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says,...

Police Officer Quotes:"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a...

A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but...

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in...

To impress his wealth client, an entrepreneur businessman invited him to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu...

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment and it was guard duty.A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young...

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display."I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good...

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer: "Ok."Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."Tech Support: "Ok....

The police station received a phone call from a distraught man. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he...

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had...

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during...

Dear Son,We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be...

The old principal made it to a practice to visit his classes once a month to test the students' knowledge.He walked into the 4th grade class, where the...

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at...

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.Maria: Here it is.Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?Class:...

Purim is for alcoholics. Pesach is for OCDs. Shavuos is for insomniacs, and Lag B’omer is for pyromaniacs who weren’t satisfied with Chanukah.(Note:...

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious...

Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."Father: "What's that?"Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."Please...

Teacher: "Didn't you promise to behave?"Johnny: "Yes, sir."Teacher: "And didn't I promise to punish you if you misbehaved?"Johnny: "Yes, sir, but since I...

Rafi's father said, "Let me see your report card."Rafi replied, "I don't have it.""Why not?" His father asked."My friend borrowed it. He wants to scare his...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling...

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what...

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on...

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells,...

One day, the President called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "My daughter is very upset because she...

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front...

1. Regular naps prevent old age.... especially if you take them while driving. 2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. 3....

I went to the Walmart today, and I was there for only 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap...

A collection of funny attorney anecdotes: Q: When is your birthday? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: All your responses must be oral, okay?...

A KGB agent walks up to a Jew and says, "Why are you learning Hebrew; we'll never let you leave."The man says, "Oh no, I'm learning Hebrew so when I get to...

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."As the rest of the squad wandered...

A man arrives at Ben-Gurion Airport with two bags, one large and one small.The customs agent opens the small bag and finds it full with money so he asks the...

An Israeli and Arab who are arguing over who a duck belongs to, as they each claim it was killed on their land. The Israeli says, “We will hit each other....

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA...

Three Jewish mothers get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.”The second takes...

While attending a public dinner, a Rabbi was seated next to a prominent businessman. Apparently attempting to impress the rabbi, the man mentioned that one...

A woman was complaining to her husband that the lightbulb in the hallway hadn't been fixed yet."What's the problem?" the husband protested. "Didn't I tell...

A bunch of boys had come back to school after Pesach vacation and were discussing the length of their Seder."We finished Maggid after Chatzos," one said....

Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning,...

Due to a technical error, some subscribers were not lucky enough to receive a joke on Wednesday morning. If you are one of them, please click here to find...

A guy is in a car accident and he breaks both of his legs. He calls the police and they ask him what street he is on and he says, "I'm on Schlepsentle...