Archive • Sameach • Buttondown

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they...

Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!” Doctor: “Uh… Not only from curiosity.”Please Daven for the unconditional release...

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. He sees there a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The...

Rochel asked her mother, “Do all fake stories start with 'Once upon a time'?” Her mother looked over to her husband and replied, "No, sometimes they start...

US General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked after 9/11, “What do we do about Osama bin Laden? Can we forgive him?” He replied, “Forgiveness is up to G-d. I just...

A commercial pilot in the 1950s was flying into Frankfurt airport when the tower told him, "You are clear to land on runway three and then taxi to gate...

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks, "Do you have a previous criminal history?"The Brit replies, "I didn't realize that was still a...

“Comrade Rabinowitz," the KGB officer asked, "why weren’t you present at the last meeting of the Communist Party?”Rabinowitz responded, “No one told me it...

Stalin, during a speech: “I am prepared to give my blood for the cause of the working class, drop by drop.”A note is passed up to the podium: “Dear Comrade...

A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board, and accidentally hits the "big red button". An angry colonel bursts...

Two foxes on a road during the Stalinist terror of 1937.First fox: “Where are you going in such a hurry?”Second fox: “Haven’t you heard? There’s a rumor...

A Russian guy during Communist times stops by the newsstand every day, scans the front page, and doesn't buy the paper. One day the vendor asks what he's up...

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With a weak voice he announces he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy Party member rushes to him with filled out...

Siberia Prisoner 1: I'm here because I always arrived at work 15 minutes early. They convicted me for espionage.Prisoner 2: I'm here because I always arrived...

A man dies and goes up to heaven. The angel asks him, "Where were you born?"The man thinks for a moment and says, "Lemberg, Austria-Hungary.""Where did you...

A new arrival to the Gulag is asked, "What were you given fifteen years for?" "For nothing!" he replies. "Don't lie to me," the old timer says. "Everybody...

Alexander Poskrebyshev, a Communist Party secretary, is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and he hears Zhukov...

President Barack Obama is visiting a school and in one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a...

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. Bush and for a state dinner, Mrs. Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a...

A New York Jew was traveling by train to Texas. He was a bit nervous since he'd never left the city and had heard wild tales of lawlessness out west,...

A Jewish businessman is on a business trip to Texas. He meets a very large Texan wearing a big cowboy hat, who starts bragging to him. The Texan says, “Howdy...

A Mossad agent, a CIA agent, and a KGB agent decide to make a bet on which agency has better training.The rules are simple: there are two elephants hidden in...

A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?"The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up."The...

Yossi: "Dad, remember you told me that if I get a good grade I'll get 500 shekels?" Dad: "Yes, and..." Yossi: "So I saved you 500 shekels."Please Daven for...

A child returns home happy and says to his mother: "Mom! I stepped on someone's foot. I immediately apologized and he gave me chocolate." Mother: "How nice,...

A Rabbi, a priest, and an imam are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and...

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the officer asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I opened my bag. "What do you...

A young woman comes to work breathing heavily. "That was the most harrowing car ride I've ever had!""What happened?" her co-worker asked. "I called a taxi...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with...

A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of...

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month.Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well...

Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"Young man: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"Please Daven...

"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" asked the waiter."I'll have tea," replied the first customer."Me too," said the second customer, "and be sure the cup is...

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?""Yes," replied the...

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline P.A. System:"Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind...

The eight Saddam Hussein body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says,...

Police Officer Quotes:"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a...

A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but...

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in...

To impress his wealth client, an entrepreneur businessman invited him to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu...

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment and it was guard duty.A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young...

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display."I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good...

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer: "Ok."Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."Tech Support: "Ok....

The police station received a phone call from a distraught man. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he...

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had...

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during...

Dear Son,We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be...

The old principal made it to a practice to visit his classes once a month to test the students' knowledge.He walked into the 4th grade class, where the...

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at...

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.Maria: Here it is.Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?Class:...