Chaos

Half of the circle breaks down in laughter. I missed why it is funny. We have been sitting for over an hour with 40-something people in a wide circle of chairs in the big aula of Schloss Glarisegg. The invitation is to share whatever is holding you back from connecting with eachother. The purpose: to create true community- a space of mutual deep trust. The last 2 days we have been going through a simple set of guidelines, accompanied by exercises to practise how to apply them. Such as; listen, only listen- meaning really listening without commenting, judging or drifting off in your own thoughts and stories. Or the guideline: only speak from ‘I’ statements. They seem obvious to me and as a group we seemed to go pretty smoothly through the phases of community building. The obstacles people share become increasingly deep and vulnerable.

But that moment of breakdown I really learn the value of “the guidelines”. As soon as people start speaking from their triggers, stop sharing from their individual perspective and start interrupting eachother… the magical field of safety unravells - fast. Chaos ensues and the trust dissipates.

Our facilitator does a skillfull job of pointing out that chaos is just a part of the proces. A result of the group not being able to hold a tension. No single person is to blame for this; we are all part of this containment field, like a balloon holding air. If the tension rises above the group capacity, it will find a way to release.

But what really strikes me is this- the duration of the chaos does not correlate to the trust building later. only the depth of the sharing (or, the ‘emptying phase’) translates to the depth of the trust built.

I start wondering what this means for the bigger picture…

Fractal nature

Last time I wrote, I asked for input from transformational struggles. I got several responses, wich were on some levels similar, namely that the struggle was taking place on multiple domains; personal, relationships, career, living situation, health. From my own life experience and stories of others I observed life often follows this pattern. In my mind I see it as the interwoven tapestry that is a life- it seems stable but pulling one thread can make the whole come undone. I experience twice such a profound unravelling and despite all the havoc it wreaked, I cherish what I learned from these periods. This layering reminds me of fractals.

Nature is highly fractal- repeating patterns from micro to macro. Our transformative struggles seems to follow similar patterns on different levels. The X-curve (developed by Drift Institute) describes how transformation happens at the system level. Right in the center is “chaos”, between building up the new system and the death of the old.

The Scott Peck commmunity building method with its 4 stages of building community also puts ‘chaos’ in the path to transformation. On the personal level, the tranformation of the self, a person starts in a situation of stability, and then we often speak of having “a personal crisis” (or spiritual awakening). In the best case, followed by insights, reaching a deeper level of understanding of the self.

Going back to Scott Pecks model- the phase that follows chaos is called “emptying” where people are invited to let go of obstacles. Again- THE DEPTH OF EMPTYING CORRELATES TO THE DEPTH OF CONNECTION in the community phase. What if this is a fractal pattern too?

In personal chaos, there is an opportunity to ‘let go’ of our old patterns. The more we can shed of these old beliefs, the more profound the relationship we can built to the new self. How does the individual relate to the community and to the society at large?

The individual contribution in the circle process determines how deep the group goes but the group itself becomes a separate entity (since the start of my exploration, I came across the concept of a “group body” to denote this phenomenon, but literature on this seems quite scarce). A deeply trusting and safe environment allows everyone to have a deeper sense of connection and depth. We help eachother go deeper than what an individual could do. With the question in mind that our society is in need of deep transformation - and how to reduce the phase of chaos - could communities somehow accelerate societies to transform? And it begs even more the question; how can we let go? What is it even?

The art of letting go

What does letting go look like? I am very convinced this is a whole body experience and even more so, a collective endeavour. So many of these feelings are relational and lodged in our physical bodies and held in a collective memory.

One answer that gives a form is the use of rituals. During the EDE course we participated in a beautifully crafted grief ritual (brought to the Glarisegg community by Malidoma Soma). The main aula is transformed into our village- a center of joy where a specific mantra is played by musicians. Around are different spaces - carefully arranged altars - to core emotions: sadness, fear, shame, anger, gratitude. Moving freely in the whole space everyone has the possbility to physically connect to these core emotions, while being held by both space holders, eachother and the mesmerizing ongoing song. Behind a curtain we are invited into a wall of shame, to write and let go of all the shame, which was burned later in the campfire. Sadness has water to contain our tears. Anger can be release in punching the pillows, screaming and other vocalizations.

Although everyone experienced their own journey, we witnssed and held each other through this - a deep way to really transform these energies.

Be the change

I havent said much about the EDE itself yet. EDE stands for ‘Ecovillage design education’. It is a 5 week immersive educational program, held in different communities under the greater flag of GAIA education. The Schloss Glarisegg version of EDE is being held now for the 11th time. For me the name sounds like SIM city in real life (or rollercoaster tycoon, any fans?). Like a recipe for a ecovillage- build so many compost toilets, plant so many trees, install so many solar panels.

It is none of that. I should have known, because my own experience in the sustainability field where I worked past years, was that THE BIGGEST BARRIER TO CHANGE IS THE SOCIAL NOT THE TECHNICAL. It is exactly on this level where we, EDE participants, are a living laboratory. Not learning about, but by BEING a community, we are learning how to be a community member. Society is not something we can build like a house, taking bricks from outside of ourselves. I. I am a the brick of society. And so are You. So I need to be baked in a way that I am a strong building block. And together we need to create the mortar that holds us together.

A friend calls me on the phone: ‘So, what are you doing?’ ‘Yes, well, we sing songs every morning and before every meal, we need to organise everyday life so cooking and cleaning toilets, we attend workshops on, uh, communication, priviledge, grief. There is a lot of dancing…’ I start feeling a bit insecure ‘Do you feel you got your moneys worth?’ asks my friend. The question makes me hesitate. What did I really learn? I don’t feel I have new knowledge or even skills like gardening or project management. But I feel I just.. am different. Four weeks into the program I can say I went through excitement, disappointment, frustration, boredom, more frustration back to excitement and .. love. There are other qualities I feel that increased, the type of 21st century ‘skills’ (for lack of a better word) that do not feature any CV. I increased my capacity to hold space, to listen, to hold and release my own emotions. To be grateful. To love. More than before, I feel the importance of really BEING the change right now, instead of trying to change others. How to cultivate these skills at a larger scale? Because, lets be real, if I haven’t lost you already, this whole EDE experience is pretty far out there in the niche of hippies and idealists…

One of the missing pieces is the cement that holds us together. A reason for us to glue together in a group, a community, a society. We need a fundamental transformation of why to go through the chaos, something better than a nationality, an outside threat or being a consumer, or being productive. We need a paradigm change..we need to rethink, reimagine.

Let’s celebrate failure

It is a rainy afternoon and we are gathering with our projectgroup. The whole EDE group has been divided up in smaller project groups to organize cooking and cleaning and to realize a project. Our focus is social activism- we have been focused on DOING something, getting on the streets. We had already a brainstorm on the content. Our concept is to bring what we have been doing here at EDE to the streets - to create a space for intentional relating. By interacting playfully, taking inspiration from clowning with passersby, we hope to engage them into a few minutes of slowing down. To have a moment of real connection, to get them out of their heads and into their bodies. We designed a whole menu of activities- drawing dreams, deep listening, receiving a song shower from us. But… we are almost stuck.

Teammeeting. It is Tuesday. "We only have Wednesday and Thursday to do it, next week we will not have time” says our team member. Everyone looks around. Uhm. Tomorrow? Our idea exists only on paper, we haven’t tested anything yet. There is hesitation in the air. People are tired. We are not prepared, not at all. Something in me stirs. “I want to make this an epic failure!” I bring in. “Let’s make it the worst trial and error, sitting in the pouring rain with a candle and no one to talk to, at least we’ll learn what failed to work. lets go tomorrow!” One by one people agree and somehow, we pull it off. In one evening, we prepare all the logistics, all the props, a chauffeur, a car, a timeslot, an outfit. Next morning, we are on our way to Constance, the nearest large city.

We managed to fail at failing.

We set up in the perfect spot, had fun interacting with people, got some beautiful interactions and as a cherry on top, got to give a song shower to the 2 German police officers that came to bonjour us away from this illegal activity.. (spreading joy and connection has to be sanctioned by the authorities, permit costs 45 euro).

One of the community building international guidelines is: take a risk. What exactly feels risky? The possibility of getting hurt- physically, psychologically. The fear often holds us back. Precisely because of this, I tried to turn it around: let fear be my guide. Whenever I felt I was too afraid to follow an impuls for something I wanted - having a certain conversation, making a career change, starting a project- I knew that it was worth to follow through. Courage is not absence of fear but feeling afraid and taking the action any way. What I am letting go of is the shame and self judgment of fear, which is more paralyzing than fear itself. 

I noticed that being willing to experiment and fail is very empowering to others. Because in the domain of chaos and system change a lot of people are stuck- the only way out of this paralysis is to move, to act, to risk: aim to fail! In my experience people are so thankful to have this energy flow again.

Embodying change - the Women in white

The whole time in Glarisegg I struggle with the part of me that wants to act, be productive, do. When a requests drops into my lap to contribute to a peace project just after EDE, I have no doubt to say yes. The women in white have a strong vision- women dressed in white, marching into a war zone, stopping bloodshed. Reconciliation, going beyond taking sides. What does lasting, long lasting peace look like? I first met these inspiring group of people in Tamera, and expressed my willingness to contribute in any way. Now the request comes.

In this week in February they organised a peace project called “Courageous friendships”: women descending from survivors of the holocaust meet with German women, some with ancestors that ended up as ss officers in the war. To embody this vision of long lasting peace, festering wounds that divide need to heal - can healing still happen in this generation?

Describing exactly what activities they undertook will not do this effort justice. Less than the what, it is the how that matters. Yes; there was walking a part of the infamous Dachau death march, visiting the Dachau memorial site; those are just the scene.

A journalist wote an article of the Dachau memorial visit (in german- if you want the english translation send me a message).

It is the how. Through shared moving of grief. In constant deep connection to themselves, to eachother and the place. They share their stories. Really listen. Really feel. To people. To places. Their own process to be together is a tribute to the 21st century skills. Holding grief, holding space. Moving these deep generational wounds through embodied work in rituals.‘Grief is held in the body. You simply can’t solve it up here’ pointing to her head, says Katie, one of the grandchildren of a Dachau survivor.

It impacts me, and the visitors at Dachau that come into contact. The grandchildren of a campsurvivor are inviting for conversations. Many approach them and are brought to tears in this contact. I ponder again the ripple effect. I could be dimissive. Say it is just a group of ten women. But the ripple… starting from such a strong center, allows a movement to grow.

My own role is support - just being there, sing, play guitar, bring lightness, hold space. It is modest and also feels deeply meaningful.

A friend asked me- what is that, holding space?

This is one of the invisible, ungraspable qualities I feel I have acquired, through osmosis in these past months. And it is a bare necessity for world that will hold all beings in love and peace.

Festina lente

Life told me to slow down; I have a little fracture in my kneecap from a rollerskate fall. I found a temporary place to rest in Freiburg where spring burst out in full color. Enough to process - I haven’t even talked about half of what I experienced, all the connections I made and own inner processes that emerged.

I keep exploring with this horizon - embodied practice; art; play and sincere but not serious ways through chaos into a new way of being together on this planet. And thinking about how to put this back in connection with the outside world.

Meanwhile, I love your feedback, questions, input.

Requests- please continue to send me your transformational struggles!

Requests- what do you think are 21st century skills?

Requests- my mindmap keeps being updated- take a look, what do you think? contribute!

Love,

River