“We need to talk more about love. And sex.” My words seem out of place in the blue colored room on the seventh floor of the Dutch research funding organisation. I have a timeslot in our team meeting to share about insights from my stay at Tamera. In a place dominated by science (quotes by scientist are written on the walls in every room), I want to talk about social dynamics, rituals, spirituality and yes, love and sex.  

Almost a year later, I find myself still shy to share more about this side of my journey. Yet, if I really want to share about what I learned in the past months, this is what I need to talk about. 

Why it matters

Disclosure: I am in love.

Nobody was more surprised than myself. I left in search of new ways of living together, relating in community and connecting through embodiment and art. I included and welcomed sexual exploration. But strangely exploring the breadth and depth of love never occurred to me.

Yet, I think it is not coincidence that love came to find me on this journey. The perspective I took away from Tamera on the importance of this topic is this: love is a deeply human force for good. In modern society, we are confused about what is love and what is sex. Love and sex are subject to power dynamics. To heal the world, we need to heal communities, and to heal communities, we need to heal relationships.

What is love? What is sex?

I find no one answer to this old questions.. but the questions help me to explore different sides. I will try to give some of my personal points of view.

Love, sex and power

September 2025, Tamera. A red dress. I found it at the clothing exchange in Tamera. Wearing this red dress made me feel so powerful. I clearly remember a dancing night - I was on fire- I felt like a tornado dancing through the room. Without taking clothes off, it felt like making love to everyone in the room. Two persons ask to kiss me. I say no, but thanks for asking.

The power of sexual energy is enormous. I realize looking back I subconsciously use it. To get attention, to feel powerful. To feel loved. This is part one of the confusion.

Summer 2026, Austria. I am standing at the edge of a river, doubting to dive in, as it is starting to rain. A woman my age walks up to me. “Are you staying around a little bit?” she asks in German. Surprised I say yes, I want to swim. “Oh good”, she says, “I don´t want to be the only woman”. The anger about the injustice in this statement gets me immediatly to undress and dive in. Indeed- there are only male bodied persons around. A group sitting in a circle, and my friend in the water. And I get it, this is how it is.

Some years ago, my brother asked me- what is it like being a woman? I reflect shortly and reply- you are told to be scared of men raping and killing you. And yes, that is extreme, but really, this is the message underneath any - dont go out in the dark - story our society tells girls.

Still, this makes me furious. How sex is entwined with power, with fear. Even for a person with so much priviledge as myself.

Sex and pleasure activism

Love and sex are separate concepts. You love people you don´t have sex with and there is definitely sex without love involved. I see it as an overlapping Venn diagram - where they overlap I call ´lovemaking´. But to be honest, I stumbled upon sex when I was looking for love, back when I was a teenager. Sex is something so tangible, so concrete. It must be the ‘doing’ of love, right? Wrong.

Then what is sex, really? What is your first thought?

…

was it penis-in-vagina? was it an orgasm?

I can say I’ve had sex with it either of those conditions. So what is it then?

Sex is a word that has never been able to do its job properly, because it never had a chance of carrying the meaning we ask of it.

David Whyte from Consolations- read full text

When you have it, you know it. That is my best answer so far. Instead of trying to capture an ´activity´ (like involving certain body parts), it makes much more sense to go into the intention. A part of this intention can be ´just´ pleasure.

October 2025, Tamera. I want to make an airplane sized advertisement saying ‘I HAD THE BEST ORGASM IN FUCKING YEARS!’

It was a good example of how zero expectations lead to good sex (and pressure kills it btw). After a couple of days of flirting and making out, increasing playful tension, some pushing and pulling, today was the day I woke up and thought: I do NOT feel like sex today. Really, no sexual energy in my body. At all. Nada.

Then the same person asks me what my afternoon plans are. ´I don´t know, maybe just go for a bike ride´ I reply. ´Oh, she answers, I thought maybe we could go to the love space together´. (3-2-1: ignition! my desire sky rockets from none existent to 99 in 3 seconds).

When we meet up, she´s not so sure what to do. We negotiate. What is your intention? Are we going to have sex? What if we don´t feel like it. We end up agreeing on just going to the space, even if we just want to read a book together, no expectations.

Then.. 3 hours pass .. easy.. we use up all the afternoon break ánd miss the afternoon program, lost in delicious exploration.

Lost time? A voice in my head says: this is not productive, or useful! Only months later, I learned about ´pleasure activism´, a term coined by adrienne marie brown. The radical thought that ´just´ pleasure is a political statement. It goes against the capitalistic logic that I am only worth my productivity or my consumer activity, i.e. spending money. But knowing something with your head and internalizing it, feeling it, living it, is something different.

August 2026, Switserland. We just made love in the back of the van, parked outside on the parking lot. There are no curtains and we can see the stars from where we lay, sweaty and joyful. Time for a swim! It must be about 1am - all is quiet is this corner of the world. Across the parking lot is a canal. We walk over butt naked and dive in, with the starry sky above us, the moon is almost completely dark. She says: “let´s offer our orgasms to the universe.” And so we do- sending out our high energy into the night sky, offering it to all beings out there that need it.

It feels like a reversed gratitude practice - to actively celebrate an orgasm and send it out to the world. Happiness is the only thing that grows when it is shared… To be with a person and feel so safe to let go, to have pleasure to fully enjoy the moment. That was also fucking activism. (Pun intended). I thank Tamera for having love spaces, for creating a space where these encounters are more easy. Where we can talk about what sex means and do it at the same time. 

Acknowledging that sexual energy is simply around feels absolutely liberating. Several evenings during my stay at Tamera, we exchange our changing attractions of the week. It is great to hear the diversity in how people experience their attractions. Some change every day, some have none, some for ten people at the time, all genders and sexual preferences are welcomed. To normalize these conversations is a relief.

October 2025, Tamera. I walk up to them. ‘I am attracted to you and I would love to explore that further. Let me know at any time whether you would be interested’. At that point, this was a massive step for me. Just speaking out loud my interest without it needing to go anywhere.

Two nights later, they are making out with someone else in the bar. I am sitting right across from them with our group. With the passing hours I feel the jealousy and sadness rising up, but I am so determined not to let it get to me. (This was before I realized ignoring jealousy is not the same as dealing with it.)

I am brushing my teeth in the common bathroom as they walk in. “Are you okay?” I shake my head. I try to explain how it was kind of hard to be there. That inside me lives a 12 year old wallflower at the class party desperate to dance but feels no-one wants to share a dance. Another person steps out from the shower, overhearing our conversation, and says to me: “I actually really wanted to dance with you the other night, but I was too afraid to ask.. because you look so cool..” I cry as they both hug me. Out of relief, sadness, joy. Gratitude. That this is also a possible outcome of this situation.

Love flows

February 2026, Glarisegg Switserland. I am standing in the middle of a Forum session. About ten people are sitting in a circle of chairs around me, watching me, holding space. The facilitator, a woman in a white dress and feathers in her hair, part shaman part midwife, is standing right in front of me. I just said out loud that I am in love and that I am terrified. “Find out, are you toxic for each other, or are you medicine? The only thing you can ask this person is whether she will go on this exploration with you. Love is not something to give or take. I am love, You are love. Love flows.”

She hit the right spot. I had been walking with this increasing terror inside my chest for weeks. The more I felt getting closer to this person, the more emotional involvement, the more I felt how afraid I was to get hurt (again). 

‘The broken heart covers more territoy’

adrienne marie brown

January 2026, Glarisegg. She is teaching me to bake bread. Somehow midnight seems the best time to share the kitchen space. Hands deep in the dough, feeling its texture. The sensuality of smell, touch and eyes. The joy of a finished project that will feed our fellow community friends there. I move as slow, feeling like walking on ice after the first few days of frost.

Testing.. is it thick enough?

We meet up in each others rooms. Every touch, every confession is little step forward.

Can I put a little more weight on it? Sometimes I hear a crack and pull back.

The first time she is annoyed with me over how I organized our cooking session (by taking over control) I feel nauseous with anxiety. My reptile brain is so sure- this is it, this is the end! But it´s not.

Slowly but surely, I start trusting the thickness..

February 2026, Glarisegg. We just came back from the hospital. Three stiches in my knee and a brace to hold my leg stiff. All my conditioning is screaming at me to be tough. To be strong is to be loved. In the hospital I still try to convince the doctor to not get an x-ray- hell I would stich it myself if I had a needle and thread! But back in my room, something cracks. She is sitting behind me. ´Just lean back..´ She is simply there. I can cry and feel all my sadness and frustration. To let go and feel there is someone there to catch me… I don´t need to be strong. Not always..

Yes. It will carry me..

Love is a verb 

Looking back, I didn’t magically come to this point where I had the capacity to be in love. I had been training this skill of loving for some months (of years, or all my life?). I said I love you already to so many people. It had different meanings, I realise now. 

I love you > I need you to save me

I love you > fix me

I love you > fill this hole inside of me

I love you > please don´t leave me

I love you> I want to feel your body

I love you> I want you to be happy even if it hurts me

I love you> I feel expansive energy flow from me to you

And many more. Love is verb - it flows, you act it out. How? Here are some of my answers to that eternal question. I ask it myself in this way: how can I love - a little bit - better?

• I write love letters. To anyone that I feel love for.

• I ask for reassurance. When I am triggered and terrified to lose the person, I say i need them to reassure me because I am afraid.

• I say no. For example, when someone asks to kiss me and I don’t feel the same.

• I check in. If I am in a romantic involvement, I regularly ask the person how they are feeling, wishing, needing.

• I assume good intentions. When something happens that upsets me, a text, a comment. I acknowledge I am hurt and at the same time, I assume they meant well and ask for clarification.

• I never curse and (try) to never raise my voice when I am upset

• If I have a loving, kind thought, I try to just say it - even if I judge myself for being toooo romantic or silly or or or…

• I respond to a message, even if it is - I´ll get back to you later.

Building (more) healthy relationships

August 2026, Dresden. I have made a serious commitment. I am back on my one true love, this toxic love, that I love to hate and hate to love.

Coffee.

I was off coffee for six months and I started to hate myself in this decaffeinated version. So - for better or for worse- we made peace and got back together. This time though, I feel we have a more healthy relationship. I don´t feel so dependant to feel good. Being together just very feels better. We can give eachother space - weeks can go by without us meeting. Only to appreciate it even more…

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
    For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
    And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

Khalil Gibran from the Prophet

I take my time with coffee more serious - not just mindlessly washing it down on a metro or while reading. Smell. Look. Savour. Quality time. Not just any filter place will do. I can even appreciate a well made decaf - it’s not about the kick. It allows me to sit again in a barista place with the tapping of laptop keys around me. Hopefully to finish even this essay that feels I´ve bitten of more than I can chew.

Back to the start. We need to talk more about sex and love. What do you think what these words mean? How does it show up in your life? In your work? What do you mean when you say I love … ?

With love,

River