What did the German say when he woke up and saw muffins?

Gluten Morgen!

That's probably good advice for life. I realize I already gave good advice in my previous newsletter. I wonder if I'll be able to offer good advice every fortnight... let's not hold our breath. (unless we're walking by a dumpster, in which case, let's.) But I am a fan of Good Advice. Especially the old Allan Sherman song by that title, which always makes me smile.

I do think it's generally a good way to start most things intended for an audience, though. Sure, I could just lead off with omphaloskepsis (read: the Navel Academy) like last newsletter, but that's perhaps less likely to immediately command your attention. Oh no, I'm doing it again! Get out of my belly!

Actually, that reminds me of another joke. What's the difference between a belly button and a Ford Pinto? With a belly button, most people prefer an innie, with a Ford Pinto, most people prefer an Audi. This joke brought to you by my great knowledge of cars definitely derived from personal experience wink wink. Maybe next issue I'll do a joke about sports.

Wait, are these emails issues now? I guess I issue them. I just hope you don't eschew them!

Wow, these emails really do simulate the experience of talking to me. By which I mean, you're probably ready for a change of topic now. By which I mean, a topic.
 

Which makes me a Columnseeum. Welcome to the main event! Being my two latest newspaper columns. I guess a colosseum has columns, but I already capitalized on those puns last time, so we'll move on.

As you may have noticed, the world is terrible. People deal with this in different ways. Some seek hedonism, eating tasty foods and playing games (me). Some turn inwards and become hermits (also me). Some try to improve the terrible world by doing one good thing (occasionally me). Some try to be terrible to other people as payback for the terrible world, which perpetuates extra terrible (I try hard for this not to be me.) And some turn to religion.

In spite of having spent a decade translating Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy line by line into rhyming couplets (Did I mention that From God To Verse eBook edition is $5 now?), I ended up turning away from religion. But perhaps I was too hasty. Perhaps the problem was merely that the existing religions of the world did not suit my needs. So last week I founded my own. Behold, the Church of the Holy Moley.


I suppose if anything, I probably follow Epicureanism more than any religion. Before I actually read about Epicurus and Epictetus, I just called my philosophy "enlightened hedonism". Which I sort of like, although it sounds pretty elitist in the manner of "Oh no, I'm not like THOSE hedonists, I'm much smarter, because coincidentally I've decided that the things that give me pleasure are valuable, and the things that give you pleasure are dumb." Although lately fewer of my pleasures are intellectual and more of them are video games and sushi, so I guess I'm a Giant Hypocrite.

Which means there's really only one good place for me:
 

Naturally, I recommend that nobody use Twitter, since it is, like Facebook and Mos Eisley, a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

However, I am on Twitter because I am, as previously mentioned, a giant hypocrite. So if you are also on Twitter, you can follow me @risingpun. And if you want my advice, the other two best accounts to follow on twitter are @emophilips for brilliantly funny tweets, and @Rainmaker1973 for a wide variety of interesting things about the universe.

The latter actually had a funny tweet the other day: "This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined."

I replied with my own hastily-constructed tweet: "I've been working on a joke about asymptotes, but it's not quite funny yet. Getting really close, though!"

I never stop with the math humor. What can I say, I derive pleasure from that continuous function, so it's a rational calculus.

Okay, now *I* wish I'd change the topic.

 

See, already I don't like that movie as much as Columbo. What the Falk.

I have been burning through a lot of media again, still slowly working my way through the list of books that people have recommended to me. Most recently, the Great Library series, a fun light read, YA adventure stuff, think Harry Potter but with writing instead of magic. (And an author who isn't a shitheel.) (at least to my knowledge.) 

But I'm also still subscribed to Netflix, even though the selection of things to watch keeps getting worse, as more and more of the big players pull all their stuff to start their own streaming service. My plan is to wait another few months and then just subscribe to Disney Plus for a month during which I binge-watch everything. But I can't be subscribed to so many services at once, that'd be no better than having the cable subscription I always disparage. I wouldn't want to be a giant hypocrite.

See that? I'm now being a hypocrite about being a hypocrite. Who else gives you meta-hypocrisy? (possible answer: people with unbalanced rules in polyamorous relationships.) Regardless, I hope this newsletter has given you something fun, because you reading it has given me something fun: a brief reprieve from the nagging worry that all of my writing simply goes into an endless void, making all of my work a complete waste as I just wait for my arteries to clog up. 

In other words, you really put the stent in existentialism. 

Okay that joke was a bit of a stretch, but you have to admit, it had heart! Aorta wrap this up now. Thanks for reading this edition of the Columbo fan-letter, and we'll see you in two weeks with two more columns.

Cheers,
Seth