[Seth Says] You Can't Make This Up
What do you tell a Pixar employee who tries to start every film with a heart-wrenching montage?
...
A friend reached out this week to let me know they had been getting good use out of something I used to say a lot: "Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how's the play?" Feels pretty appropriate for the Interesting Times in which we find ourselves, because AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA but also we're all doomscrolling enough hours so maybe let's talk about something else?
By way of compromise, I will share one brief story I shared on social media, one exceedingly brief action item, and then move on. Good? Good. (S'alright? S'alright.)
A BRIEF STORY
I had to throw away the column I was originally working on for this week because I couldn't make satire dumber than reality.
Of course I did write a replacement column, a light and fluffy piece about the difficulties of having a beard in winter, how plans often do not come to fruition, and how I am a ridiculous person. You could even read it.
But the piece I wanted to write was a satire lampooning the current administration's attempt to erase acknowledgement of anyone who isn't a cis straight white male. And I got a few paragraphs in when I was faced with an insurmountable problem:
Nothing I could think of was more ridiculous than what's already happening.
The NSA covering up photos in their Hall of Heroes that aren't of white men? Already happened. The FBI painting over a word mural on their wall promising fairness and integrity? Photos of that online. No matter how ridiculous a caricature I tried to think of, it couldn't compete with the reality.
Last year I had written a satirical column for Black History Month making fun of Florida's ridiculous far-right lurch, suggesting various preposterous things they might do, such as prevent the government from teaching people about the achievements of the Tuskegee Airmen. This year the Air Force was ordered to stop teaching new recruits about the Tuskegee Airmen.
I was basically defeated by Poe's Law (everyone's least favorite shredded cabbage).
AN EXCEEDINGLY BRIEF ACTION ITEM
Everything is terrible and here's a 5Calls link with the phone numbers of your congresscritters (for Americans; I don't know if anyone not in America reads this newsletter, but if so: Want to host a few million houseguests for a couple years? ) and sample scripts, if you wanted to take 10 minutes to call them and demand they defend democracy or thank them for doing so:
Bass-o-Matic: It's Just That Simple!
LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE
Q: What 80s movie title character is the most ironic?
A: Ferrous Bueller
(I was worried if I didn't specify the decade, Iron Man would be a more accurate answer)(although clearly there's a Stark contrast)
One of the fun side benefits of being a writer-for-hire who ends up writing on a variety of topics is that inevitably I end up producing irony simply by dint of the topics on which I am writing.
For example, some years ago I got to spend six hours staring at the Internet to do research for a big article on why it's important to limit your screen time to protect your eyes. (and no, not because you will see things so stupid on the internet that you will roll your eyes until you become permanently injured)(a looming injury for which someone in this house who isn't me seems perpetually at risk)(not to name any names)(Engelbert Humperdinck)
Just a couple years ago, I got to ghostwrite a piece for a client about the importance of authenticity. (it's me, I'm the thought leadership!)(that aside is funny to me mainly because I have equivalented "problem" with "thought leadership")(also I have verbed "equivalent")(verbing weirds language)
And last night, I ignored Debbie to spend all evening writing up a piece for a client on why it's important to prioritize your partner.
All true. (Albeit, not all-true-istic)(all-beit)(alright, enough of that)(all-right)(S'alright? S'alright.)
GOOD KING WENCES
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the Senor Wences fan club. Your call is important to us and we appreciate you flying with us. But really though, thanks for reading, back in two weeks with another column, and as one goose said to the other goose in the pillow factory, don't let the bastards get yer down. (I didn't use to think down pillows were real. But then I thought: you can't make this up pillow)(That joke works but only if you sleep on it)
Your Email Comforter,
Seth