Q: Why did the negotiator's wife divorce him?
A: She caught him in a compromising position.

There are many reasons you shouldn't take relationship advice from people (although it's still 1000x better than taking relationship advice from chatGPT, please do not ask AI to weigh in on your relationship issues), but one of the big ones is that people are all individuals. (I recall the last time a friend said, "you know how women are", and I said, "what, all of them?", and he did not have a cogent reply.)

Consequently, while there many be good general principles like, "Don't be a selfish asshole", (a great principle still lacking in government and everywhere else), many relationship advice generalizations may not apply to the particular paramour you are wishing to woo (or not un-woo)(to court a psychic you have to woo woo-woo)(and if it's a medium you have to woooOOOOoooooOOOOoooo)(which is why people always order the large, it's more cost effective)(you know the old joke about the dwarf psychic criminal).

There are even more reasons not to take relationship advice from me (as any of my exes could tell you), a man who has had the very good fortune to date some wonderful and lovely people but still managed to drive all but one of them away by being insufficiently good to and/or for them (although I am delighted to have remained friends with the majority of them).

In spite of all that, this week's column has some relationship advice:

* Smoke gets in your compromise

They say that compromise is the secret to a successful relationship, but if it was really a secret, why would they keep saying it? I think it's propaganda by Big Compromise (motto: "why not settle for us?") and the real secret is that compromise is behind most failed relationships.

Compromising is annoying because we live in a world that is terrible in many ways and so rarely gives us what we want, so to come home and STILL not get what we want seems like adding insult to injury. And according to the Bureau Underwriting Made-up Statistics (motto: "the best place to pull statistics out of!"), over 90% of divorces occur due to compromise.

One day after putting in your 8 hours working for minimum wage you realize you can't afford groceries because prices are up to $27 per egg, so you buy your gas station hotdog while reading headlines like "Thanksgiving Canceled" "Children Now Classified As Luxury Items" "President Trump Defunds Public Highways to Establish Board of Praise", and you just want to come home and have a quiet night in with your book so you can have one nice thing today... and then the person you've chosen to spend your life with says, "Oh, sorry honey, I thought I told you I was having the guys over for yodeling origami club this evening -- also we ran out of origami paper so we borrowed your book."

The bad news is that compromising on 2 nights a week instead of 5 for yodeling origami club ("Fold-elayheehoo!") doesn't solve the problem. The good news is that ending a relationship is easier than murder and comes with less jail time, you just say, "I am tired of having to compromise and so I am done doing that, but I hope you enjoy the yodeling."

REGRETS, I'VE HAD A FEW

My most recent regret is earlier this evening when Debbie pointed out that I missed the opportunity to make a "folderol" pun in this column, which is a smarter pun than the one I ended up putting in the tagline (which is, in this case, below the fold)(no pun achieved).

My biggest regrets would certainly include the various ways I failed the people I dated in the past, causing them to realize that they did not want to spend the rest of their life in compromise.

And yet, as a friend reminded me earlier this week in recounting his own experiences with mistakes and his enlightened worldview, my various missteps have led me to where I am today: a ridiculously charmed existence where I get to live with a partner I love who is funnier than I am, eat tasty food, go for walks with friends in the middle of the afternoon, and generally spend my time in enjoyable fashion. So I try to remind myself that regret is only valuable insofar as it informs my future actions, and that one otherwise shouldn't dwell in regret for a past that led to a good present.

Still wish I'd made that folderol pun though.

MISTER HAHA BOOTS RIDES AGAIN

As promised in our previous issue (I promise not to make these like the Marvel movies where you need to have seen the previous dozen issues to know what's going on)(mainly because I don't have the budget)(although the Regret Stone would be a great 7th Infinity Stone), I am guesting on The Living Room Comedy Show this Friday June 5th at 8pm Eastern and you can join the Zoom call for free.

Just click on Mister Linky-Link to go to "Check Availability" and reserve your free ticket for June 5th, and then enjoy (insofar as one can enjoy being on a Zoom call) a quartet of non-famous comics, at least one of whom will be me. (also at most one.)

I realize one of the main advantages of my newsletter being a newsletter and not a podcast is that you don't have to hear my voice and can get through it much faster, but if you're someone who enjoys foolishly squandering your advantages (whomst among us, right?), now you have another avenue to do so.

I FORGOT ALL ABOUT YODELING ORIGAMI CLUB

Even specifically titled this newsletter "Welcome to the Fold" because I was gonna make some jokes about it and then maybe tie it into finding your people, but now it's late and I already wrote a newsletter's worth of newsletter so I guess I'll end this here. (I have a new most recent regret.)

As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and encourage you not to dwell on regretting the past when you can focus on not regretting the future. (or something like that, it sounded cooler in my head before I wrote it down)(now I have a new most recent regret.)

Your Friendly Infinite Regret Generation Machine,
Seth