[Seth Says] Unfortunately, Sex
A friend of mine announced last month that she was getting engaged to a wheel of brie.
I've loved brie for ages, but I was respectful and avoided suggesting a fromage à trois.
HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD
When it comes to cheesy sex, it's hard to beat 1980s Hollywood, which was churning out teen sex comedy movies like Revenge of the Nerds that seemed poorly acted and ridiculous even at the time (and seem far too rapey in retrospect)(not that you want people to see a film and be like, "well, this is a fun and expected amount of rapey")(Yelp review: Epstein Island).
But as someone who grew up in the 1980s, even though I was usually watching action movies or spy thrillers that were not about sex at all, if there was a single 30-second sex scene in the entire movie, that would be the moment my mom walked into the room to ask what I was watching. Every time. Without fail. A whole movie filled with car chases and explosions, and somehow the impression was always sex.
THE FUTURE IS NOW
I was thinking of this today, as I just started reading a book someone had recommended to me ("The Future", by Naomi Alderman) and was enjoying it well enough that I considered recommending it to another friend, but then briefly thought, "Oh no wait, there's this sex scene, what if they think I'm recommending sex at them?"
Yes, I am aware that we are adults and understand that media often contains sex and even my most favorite comedy movie which is the least sexual movie ever ("Brain Donors" - if you haven't seen this hilarious masterpiece I highly recommend it BUT you need to watch the Marx Brothers classic "A Night At The Opera" first to truly appreciate it)(Seriously though even the credits of Brain Donors are funnier than all of the 1980s teen comedies put together)(damning with faint praise but I promise it's awesome) still has sort of a sex scene, and I recommend that movie to everyone.
But somehow recommending a book to a friend that I haven't talked to in too long made me briefly worry that they'd ignore the other few hundred pages and think, "Wait, why'd he reach out just to recommend me this sex scene? Is he hitting on me?"
Eventually I decided that was ridiculous and I am (ostensibly) a grown-up. But also I decided I shouldn't recommend a book I haven't even gotten through 100 pages of yet, so that's on hold. But also also I thought I'd share my (childhood-trauma-informed) ridiculous thought process and now you all know I'm reading a book that has the sex in it.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ARE FUCKED
The economy!
I wrote this column last week, when the news was only the normal 2025 amount of terrible, so compared to this week's news I hope it will seem like a fun refreshing break. And if you've been enjoying the Knives Out films, it's even a little whodunit!
I call it:
The dame came into my office and I knew right away she was trouble. Dames are always trouble along with those legs you just can't resist. Sort of like a bucket of KFC.
My name's Donald Trump and I'm a private investigator. No one knows more about private investigations than me. My love for private investigating is one of the main reasons I was excited to run a beauty pageant for so many years.
Anyway, this dame comes in and tells me the US dollar lost nearly 10% of its value in 2025. Hard to believe since many people are saying I've created the best economy in the history of the country or actually the world. (This is why I love cabinet meetings now, everyone just says lots of very nice things about how I'm the best president ever.)
Then again, if my economy is perfect, no one would suspect a dropping dollar, so it's almost like the perfect crime. But who is to blame?
I fired off a few more tariffs and decided to investigate. I asked my Deputy Chief of Staff and he said immigrants are to blame, just like for everything. And Deputy Steve is a great guy. People say he's a zombie but the man just loves Halloween, he's always dressing up as a pointy ghost. Anyway it makes sense that people who came from other countries are to blame because other countries benefit from a weaker dollar.
I cut a few more unnecessary government departments (Aid, Education, Weather, etc.) to get another $11 billion for ICE to round up immigrants, or anyone who looks like an immigrant.
Normally the advantage of a weaker dollar is that more people come visit and spend money in our country, but that has not been happening for some reason (probably immigrants). A lot of stupid people are complaining that I'm killing something called "Tourism", but that sounds like a weird religion that's not American so who cares if it dies.
CARING IS GOOD ACTUALLY
Earlier this week I was on social media (mistake) where someone was lamenting the current state of the country and feeling like they're not doing anything to help. And I was like, "Hey, you're a teacher! Teaching critical thinking and empathy may be one of the best ways to work against fascism." Resistance takes many forms (and many ohms), and letting people contribute in their own way rather than trying to prescribe One True Way of doing things is very much on brand.
That about wraps things up for this week's newsletter. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and by recommending you watch Brain Donors, the brief sexish scene means I am secretly revealing my attraction to all of you I'm not related to.
It occurs to me that a lot of super-rich desserts sometimes bill themselves as "Better Than Sex", and I wonder if any brothels (best place for soup!) have "Better Than Dessert" as an item on the sex menu. Any brothel owners reading this, feel free to steal my idea!
Well, I'm not sticking around after that souper-dumb suggestion.
Just Deserts,
Seth