[Seth Says] This Is Perfectly Normal
So the other day I'm walking around my house talking to myself in a menacing voice while introducing myself like I'm some sort of movie henchman, you know, like we all do, and picking last names off the things around the house and on my desk.
"The name's Fishnacks, Johnny Fishnacks."
(Yes, I have some fishnacks on my desk, they are a reasonably good snack and "delicious for snack, picnic, party at any time any-here" according to the packaging.)(You may think I am missing a W, but I assure you, the package was missing the W. I get to eat tasty fishnacks, so I have the W, thank you very much.)
Anyway, this isn't terribly uncommon for me these days, so because it happens a lot, I have convinced myself that it is normal.
BUT SETH, WHAT IF IT IS NOT NORMAL
Oh, are you implying that just because it is a part of my life with some frequency in recent times does not mean that it is normal or should be considered such, and that somehow my perception has become skewed by my potentially strange way of living?
How interesting. I wonder if there are any implications of how that observation might be applied to other things going on in our world, like the fact that everyone is sick all the time now, or the litany of other problems (bombing gaza, rollback of women's rights, politicians and supreme court justices commiting many crimes openly with no repercussions, etc.) that I was going to address individually but then immediately became too depressed so decided to hide them in parentheses so I could remain upbeat while finishing this admittedly run-on sentence?
Not that such is really a fair comparison; obviously me calling myself Johnny Fishnacks doesn't hurt anyone ("I'm suing!" --estate of Jonathan Fishnacks III, Esq.), whereas all that other stuff hurts a staggering number of people too large to comprehend (which is possibly why so many people are resolutely refusing to comprehend it). Talking about these things is depressing, as mentioned, and it's more fun to play Johnny Foodplate.
So, say hello to my little friend.
MEET JOHNNY MURDERFACE
Admittedly it's more fun if you do the voice, but this newsletter is remaining a textual endeavor (textual healing), so I'm relying on you to give that 80s henchman vibe to the name Johnny Murderface.
My latest column is about the serious threat posed by Johnny Murderface, and I know that by now some people are sick of hearing me talk about Johnny Murderface, but for anyone who isn't, I entreat you to read this:
Be afraid, for Johnny Murderface walks among us
THE SEGUE HAS BEEN SACKED
I was going to have a segue to a reflection here (impressive for mere mortals)(or mirror mortals), but as usual I'm under NDA (no details again), so in order to be on the safe side, I'm not saying anything about how Johnny Murderface relates to any recent work I may or may not have done.
I will say that I am once again reminded of an observation I have made previously, which is that the least valuable thing in the world appears to be my name, since I can sell my ghostwriting for a decent rate (although always looking for more clients), but as soon as I put my name on my writing, the market value plummets quite a bit. Clearly I need to do conventions where I charge people not to sign their books. (Clearly I am not going to any conventions in the forseeable future) (I can foresee clearly now, the future's gone)(new motto for 2024)(bleak and potato soup please)
Aaaaaaaanyway (which I believe Seinfeld once called out as a word people say in conversations when they feel very done, and it actually means "Gooooooooo to hell")(Not that I want you to go to hell)(why bother when it can come to us?)(I am a ray of sunshine and happiness and optimism)(does happiness or optimism come in rays?)(I can't believe that just a few paragraphs ago I was convinced that this issue of parenthetical digressions wouldn't end up with many parenthetical digressions), I hope your Year of the Dragon is off to a pleasant start, I thank you for reading, and I'll be back in two weeks with another column.
Yours In Normality,
Seth
p.s. that valediction just reminded me that the other night I was filling my search history with things like "how to act like a human". you know, normal human stuff.