[Seth Says] Simpleton!

Turns out it's tricky to have a subject line that talks about my award-winning musical "Simpleton!" without sounding like I am insulting you via electronic mail. Sorry. The unadorned word was actually the least insulting subject line I could come up with, as rejected options included:

* Hey Simpleton!
* Enjoy Simpleton! 
* You're A Big Stupid-Head But Please Watch My Musical Anyway!

Of course that is but a jape, obviously it is very smart people like you who will enjoy this hour-long parody of Hamilton which has just as much politically-inspired internal rhyme as the original but twice as much humor and half as much cholesterol. Lost for some number of years, it has recently been unearthed and uploaded to YouTube, where you can now view one of the best things I ever (co-)wrote in all its glory:
 

 

I started writing this musical back in 2015 with Sam Hammersley and Thom Mesrobian, and at the time, the idea that Donald Trump could actually win the Republican primary seemed laughable. So laughable, in fact, that it seemed like the perfect topic for a parody musical. It was slightly less laughable by the time it played at the Orlando Fringe Festival in 2016. (by which I mean the prospect of Trump winning, not the musical. The musical was quite laughable, and won multiple awards at the Fringe Festival, from Critic's Choice to Patron's Pick.)(by law, All Awards at Fringe Festivals must be Also Alliterative.)(Fake Fact!)

I've heard that Charlie Chaplin said that had he known everything Hitler was going to do, he would never have made The Great Dictator. I think this would have been a shame, since it's a classic movie. But I understand it more than I ever wished to. It's a lot easier to mock something really horrible before it becomes horribly real. (Obviously I'm not comparing Trump to Hitler; Hitler was a whole other level of iconic hair.)(I moustache you to forgive my terrible jokes.)

Generally, I would much prefer to be mocking smaller annoyances. And one of the great benefits of volition is that I get to do what I prefer.
 

Indeed, this week's column is a tournament of (mostly) smaller annoyances, delivered via a sportscast covering the tournament. I don't follow basketball (although, like any good basketball player, I avoid travelling), but I'm led to believe that this is the season for "March Madness", where everyone draws up brackets and follows the big tournament excitedly. Well, I certainly think all of that sounds fun except for the basketball part, so get your annoyance brackets ready, it's time for
 

If I were writing this column today instead of a week ago, I would totally have included daylight thieving time and the foot+ of snow which we are predicted to get. My understanding (possibly incorrect) is that this should be the last daylight thieving time, and that as of next year we here in the (increasingly un-)United States will no longer be throwing an hour back and forth willy-nilly like a fish in a sousaphone.

Personally, I hope that once we eliminate Daylight Savings Time, that we can come for Leap Year next. I think it's just sloppy temporal accountancy that we could eliminate by shifting to Metric Time, an idea that admittedly will probably not find purchase here in the (Mostly Divided) States given that the only metric measurements which have found purchase are the purchased 2-liter soda bottles. All the weights and lengths are still measured by people pounding their feet and fathoming their acres, as it were.

We do go to great lengths to avoid the metric system, although I do get a certain amount of stateriotic pride whenever something is measured in Rhode Islands. It just makes me feel happy, like it's divine providence. (which is sort of not a pun since I'm pretty sure that's how the city was actually named originally when Roger Williams was fleeing some Massholes)(It's okay, I'm a Mass resident, I can use that term)(But my point is, RW named the city Providence after divine providence, so to use the city name to mean the divine term is less like a clever joke and more like explaining a joke that was made nearly 400 years ago.)(At least he didn't name it Godville.)(Although a city named Godville might just be filled with atheists, if Iceland and Greenland are anything to go by.)(And don't even get me started on Red Delicious apples.)(although at least they're usually red.)

That's a 7x combo bonus on the parenthetical asides, which means I think I have enough points to beat the level and finish this newsletter. Although the actual video game I've been playing recently is Dragon Age: Inquisition, which is a bit less of the old man caricature of "Video games: push buttons, get points!" and much more of a fully cinematic and involved story with political alliances and diplomacy and currying favor to raise your influence and power high enough to tackle the next objective oh never mind it is push buttons get points. 

Although in fairness, so is typing up this newsletter. (Though arguably, there is no point here. There's a point here ---> .  Actually that's a double, pointing there at the point there. A punctuation point though. Reminds me of the joke about the play written about menstruation in Elizabethan England: It's a period piece.)

Well, lest you all fall into a punctuation-discussion-induced comma, (the comma before the storm?) I'll end this issue here. Thanks for reading, and back in two weeks with another column.

Dot's all, folks.



Periodically Yours,
Seth.