[Seth Says] I Didn't Quit!

Friendly greeting! 

Attempt to engender goodwill by briefly addressing you before immediately talking about me! Spoiling of desired effect through compulsive meta-narration! Regret! Regret overexaggerated for comedic effect! Comedic effect overexaggerated to hide regret! Incomprehensible rambling, followed by an abandonment of the idea, which stands in place of a segue. (Not to be confused with standing in place on a segway, which seems easy until you lean forward and take off towards a wall.)(Technically, no matter what direction you go, you're always headed towards a wall somewhere.)(Also, there's a shark behind you.)

How did the moonshiner advertise?
 

This issue marks a momentous (or at least momentary) occasion, the one-year anniversary of my starting this newsletter. Notable, at least to me, for the fact that I have continued writing it on a regular basis. While I am incredibly diligent about any writing projects for which I am being paid, my unpaid projects have traditionally not fared so well over the long term.

I have previously done a few short-lived podcasts, as is federally mandated for all comedians. These have included a random chat podcast with my friend Lex, a solo rap podcast where I freestyled about the week's news headlines, and most recently (2016? How does time even work?) an advice podcast with my friend Lex.  

But I eventually gave up on those when an audience failed to apparate. Here, however, while I would of course be happy to have more readers, I have what I would consider a quorum. You, dear audience, are reason enough for me to keep writing, and whatever you (plural) may lack in quantity, you make up for in quality. So, y'know, thanks for reading.

Sticking around is a nice thing to do, when you can, although one downside is getting
 

None of us are getting any younger, natch. But lately I've certainly been feeling the decrepitude (not a euphemism). Part of that's likely due to an unwelcome bout of insomnia which has kept me to roughly 5 hours per night of sleep for the past two weeks, but hey, 5 hours is still a reasonable amount relatively speaking, and the past two nights I got 6 hours. 6 hours a night for two nights straight, dozen seem so bad.

Anyway, my latest column is also about aging, so please enjoy:

Watch Out For Vince

You may notice when you click through that the title has been changed by the paper so it now spoils the reveal. I'm not the only thing getting old! But also, this is a common practice especially in the age of click-driven media where having a headline that tells people what to expect is more important than having a story unfold itself like a beautiful flower. Flowery prose ain't worth much if nobody's clicking through to read it.

As you know from last issue's paean to libraries, I still read.
 

After finally finishing the 16-part fantasy series by Robin Hobb that I was reading, I re-read David Eggers "The Circle", in order to prepare for reading the sequel "The Every". I'm currently only halfway through The Every, but I can recommend The Circle to anyone who hasn't read it or seen the movie. Basically, it's a funny technocracy for the present day, an exceedingly of-the-moment dystopia built on the modern Internet and the social media sites that rule our lives.

Although if you are a better person than me (likely) and don't spend too much time on social media (unlikely), then I wouldn't want you to miss these 
 

Gosh, that header is a little too 1940s Reader's Digest. Although I guess arguably, Reader's Digest has always continued to be a little too 1940s Reader's Digest. Regardless, here are two things I wrote on Facebook in the past week that you might enjoy.

1) 

"The only thing worse than seeing a spider, is not seeing a spider."
-- Oscar Wilde

2) 

Scene: Kitchen

"I hope you don't mind, I didn't flip over all the potatoes."
"Well, I'm going to report you to the Board of Potatoes."
"Oh no!"
"You can't hide from the Board of Potatoes."
"They have eyes everywhere!"

I'm realizing only just now that both of these little witticisms are connected by a preponderance of eyes. (conceptually connected, not actually connected by eyes, that would be gross, like a spider-covered potato, oh god why did I put that image in my head, and now possibly your head, don't think about a potato covered in spiders. That's gross. You should think about creme caramel covered in spiders. Spider-Flan, Spider-Flan, this song was an awful plan. Readers now moving on, "Does Seth know, it's called flan?" LOOK OUT! There goes the Spider-Flan.)

Okay, that may have been awful, but look on the bright side: At least I didn't start another podcast. Thanks for reading, and back in two weeks with another column.



Weirdly craving flan now,
Seth