[Seth Says] Forget-Me-Yep
Q: What do you call appetizers for Dracula?
A: Vlad Tapas
Okay, so it's a bit of an arcane reference (Jinx!), but most bad Halloween puns are all like, "What's the scariest way to die in a room full of rats?" "BOO-bonic plague!" (okay, I'm realizing most of them are not exactly like that)(but in that spirit)(ha), and I thought you deserved something better.
SOMETHING BETTER
I am a big forgetty-head who was rushing through last issue's newsletter and completely forgot to do things like include an excerpt or include a link to the previous column in the Banner. So now this newsletter will have all of that from last time and this time, giving you enough columns for a whole Parthenon (Parth-anon: For those of us who can't thtop parthing everything as a pun).
Last month's Banner column, about RFK's (and the whole administration's) war on different:
Last fortnight's Banner column, stories from my undergrad years:
An excerpt thereof:
Tray Elegante:
There was once I was sitting at a table at the college dining hall, and a friend threw an entire orange at me which hit me in the side of the head. Now, I generally try not to escalate violence, so instead of fighting back I decided to maturely express my anger by slamming both fists on the table.
Only in this case, "table" stands for "edge of my tray which happens to have two full glasses of water on it." So, I managed to flip them directly into my lap, and absolutely soak myself. One of the glasses still had some water in it, so as a last gesture of futility I flipped it upside down over my own head. I figure, why let god get the last laugh, right?
This week's Eagle column, about how to upscale your various leftover inflatable protest costumes for Halloween:
And an excerpt thereof:
You don't want to have the same costumes as everyone else while Trick or Treating. But you also don't want to buy a costume and only wear it once. (Originally that's what people did with wedding dresses, but everyone thought it was too wasteful, which is why they invented divorce.)
Luckily, there's a simple solution: Accessorize!
Just a few carefully-chosen accessories can help transform your unremarkable costume that looks the same as everyone else's into a bespoke individualized costume designed just for you and the two other people reading this.
Inflatable frog costumes were everywhere in the past month, so just going out as a frog for Halloween is almost cliche at this point. Here are some improvement suggestions to augment your frog (not a euphemism):
* Wear your frog costume with a large trenchcoat and a British flag to go as London Frog
* Wear a denim overshirt and a red bandanna with white spots to become Rosie the Ribiter
* Wearing a crown of giant waves will let you become The Under Toad
* Wear a hockey jersey and carry a golf club and you'll be Hoppy Gilmore
UNFROGETTABLE
Hilariously, at least to me, I wanted to segue into talking about all the things I have forgotten over the past week or two, but have completely forgotten what they are. So instead, I'll talk about the only things I remember: Food and Friends.
Food-wise it's finally delicata squash season, and while I enjoy a wide array of oven-roasted veggies these days, delicata squash is probably my favorite. Basically you just halve it lengthwise, scoop the insides, then cut it widthwise into little half-moons (arguably quarter moons since the middle is hollow, but a quarter-moon is still a half-squash) and then toss it with some butter (and optionally an herb or spice but really it's perfect on its own with maybe a dash of salt) and then bake it in the oven until it's delicious. (I really half-assed this explanation, which I guess is appropriate for half-moons.)
Thanks for reading the world's worst recipe blog!
NO ROMANS, NO COUNTRYMEN
A non-local friend was randomly in town for a meeting last week, so we got to go for a brief walk and hang out on my patio, which was pretty nice. And another friend mentioned they might swing by this weekend while in town for Homecoming, which would also be nice.
Fall is really a lovely time here in the Berkshires, even though you can see Old Man Winter around the corner with his Frost Sword +3. (Well, maybe +2, last year was mercifully mild). And my friends are all cool people, which I realize sounds biased, but is no less true for it.
Most recently one of my friends has cool music news (well, more than one, since the friend who hired me to lyrics a song last month just won a national award for her choral work, but if I filled this newsletter with accomplishments of all my friends there'd be no room for anything else), as Gianna and her friend have put out a twin fiddle album that has a rich sound for being recorded in the eponymous great hall. (I'm pretty sure recording in a great hall entitles you to proclaim it a great album.)(gold miners and lawyers are both pro-claim.)
THE PROCLAIMERS
I would walk 500 miles, but over like two years and mostly the same little 1-mile loop since it has become increasingly inconvenient for me to be non-proximal to my house. I also proclaim that we can now wrap up this week's column-filled newsletter.
As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and hope that you enjoy enough Halloween candy to feel festive but not so much that you are attacked by candy vampires. (Candy vampires bite you in the Necco.)
Yes We Have No Sferatu,
Seth