[Seth Says] Deerly Beloved
"What's your opinion on the morality of sex before marriage?"
"I think it's wrong if it delays the ceremony."
That is not an original joke (I mean, I suppose it was originally), but I like it enough to kick off with it anyway. I have been thinking lately that a lot of our current problems are due to jerks who get really mad when other people happily exist, because it suggests that there are other equally valid ways of existing and the jerks don't have a monopoly on deciding who should be allowed to be happy (or exist).
Obviously there's no shortage of examples with the current administration's war on everyone who isn't them, just a whole lot of people who had the temerity to exist while happily leading their own lives, which is highly offensive to jerks. (Better go arrest those firefighters trying to save lives, because they were born wrong.)
And yes, of course it's the same people who complain "everyone is too easily offended" when sexism and racism is no longer de rigueur (with a hard R), who suddenly catch the vapors if a trans woman goes into a stall to pee or a blockbuster feel-good movie has three leading actors and none of them are white guys.
IS ANYTHING NOT POLITICS?
I didn't mean to lead right off with a political rant. (This is why I open with a joke. It's the same principle as a hotel leaving a mint on your pillow before charging you $8 for a soda from the mini-fridge.)("We're gonna need a bigger mint.")(arguably a bigger mint would help you afford more mini-fridge soda)(an argue-mint).
Honestly, the earliest thing to come to mind with the whole "we have a monopoly on defining how to exist" ethos is religion, hence the opening joke. But religion is a lot less of a problem when it's not enforced by the state, that being the whole point of freedom of religion.
I'm currently reading a book by HL Mencken that a friend recommended, and it is a different experience going back and reading century-old writing when you're not used to it. In addition to the dense and turgid prose, there's no shortage of sexism and double helpings of racism... and then just as a bonus he seems to really hate Methodists for some reason.
Anyway, once you get past all that (or if; I don't blame anyone who doesn't!) you find some commentary that could just as well have been written today for how well it nails the current political maladies -- he cites "an almost pathological...Braggadocio, in the 100% American... probably no more than a protective mechanism erected to conceal an inescapable sense of inferiority." People secure in themselves don't feel threatened by other people existing happily who intend no harm.
MAY THOSE WHO INTEND HARM RECEIVE IT
It's like the golden rule, but more weaponized! ("Eat gold, copper!")(you never hear about alchemist mobsters these days)("Eat Au, Cu!")(or more classically, "Eat Pb, Cu!")("Have some peanut butter, officer!")(Oh no it's gone in circles and I missed the exit.) (I'm just waiting for it to come around again on the guitar.)
Like the old saying goes, "I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." (Old Soviet joke: Man goes to newsstand to glance at the papers on the rack. Shopkeep says, "What are you looking for?" Man says, "An obituary." Shopkeep says, "Obituaries are in the back, comrade." Man says, "Not the one I'm looking for.")
Anyway, this week's column is about throwing a party:
* How To Throw A Surprise Party
Parties are lots of fun for everyone involved, as far as I can tell from TV. So it's only natural to want to throw a surprise party, which is one of the most exciting types of parties there is. (Far more fun than, for example, a Tupperware party.)(And no, nobody wants a surprise Tupperware party.)
A surprise party is perfect for celebrating a guest of honor who wouldn't want you to make such a big fuss over them, because they're not part of the planning and you don't need to ask them first - and in fact, shouldn't! That would ruin the surprise, unless your guest of honor has Alzheimer's, in which case feel free to invite them to join in the planning.
But to have a successful surprise party, there are a few other tips you may wish to keep in mind:
* Select a Guest of Honor
A surprise party is something special, and not something you organize for someone you don't feel strongly about. You're putting together a party because you care - and ideally other people care too, else you'll have a lot of trouble filling the guest list. You want to select someone that will cause potential attendees to say, "Absolutely! That guy really deserves it, and we will be ready to celebrate!"
* Pick an Appropriate Occasion
Surprise parties usually celebrate a big milestone. There are few bigger milestones than the ones which mark the beginning or ending of life, which is why birthdays are the most common occasion for a surprise party. You very rarely hear about surprise parties scheduled to celebrate a dentist appointment, for example. You want to pick an occasion that's truly worth celebrating.
MUTUAL OF NO-MOW-HA WILD KINGDOM
On the topic of imaginary rules for how other people have to exist, you don't actually have to mow your whole lawn, in spite of what people tell you. I still don't mow the backyard, ha!
And this Mutual of No-mow-ha pays dividends. I get a lot of green, and occasionally I even earn a buck in interest. And if you have any interest, here's that buck:
That's enough fawning over my backyard.
AND THEN IT WAS NOW
That brings us to the end of another episode of Everything Is Terrible But At Least Animals Are Cool. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and if you're wondering why deer meat is so popular in Italy, it's because they appreciate a good Venice son.
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Not a Venetian Just a So-Silly-an,
Seth