[Seth Says] Courting Disaster
It's really the only appropriate way to treat disaster.
What, you just want to show up, wham, bam, thank you apocalypse? No, where's the respect? Where's the romance? Shyly gazing across the room over decades and decades of reports confirming the climate crisis is real and accelerating, knowing that you're flirting with disaster, knowing that you shouldn't, doing it anyway, the little frisson of excitement (admittedly pretty much the only type of frisson. You never really hear about a frisson of depression, or sour cream and onion frissons.)(Made by Frisson-Lay, naturally.)(Well, unnaturally.), and suddenly you're seeing disaster twice a week and texting on off days. (Pretty sure at least half of social media is just texting with disaster.)
I mean sure, to some bystanders it seems like a whirlwind romance, "This disaster is all happening awfully fast! Weren't things doing fine just a few years ago?" But they don't appreciate the decades of groundwork that were put in.
THIS METAPHOR IS A DEAD HORSE WELL NOT ENTIRELY DEAD ONLY MOSTLY DEAD AND I AM BEATING IT DEAD HORSELY BUT ALSO THEN EXPECT IT TO GET UP SO I CAN RIDE IT OFF INTO THE SUNSET
Because that's the way we do things around here.
COURT: %&$@ING DISASTER
Supreme Court? More like Obscene Court!
More like What the hell kind of game is this where someone breaks laws to get elected, then install judges who lie in their intake interview (I know that's not what it's called, don't judge)(Don't, Judge!)(Oh right, they're mostly called Justice. What an ironic name that feels like right now.)(Unless it's Just Ice, because they're wearing a cool string of diamonds they were bribed with.)(Sorry, "gratuitied" with.), and then the lying judges installed by a law-breaker make new rules that lying and breaking laws is fine. It's like a Wikipedia article citing itself, the No Takebacks of jurisprudence, government by Calvinball.
I'm sure AOC's attempt at articles of impeachment won't make a lick of difference, but I'm glad to see it all the same, if only because what's going on is blatant and egregious and someone ought to do something about it aside from just throwing endless metaphors at it.
OH I KNOW, HOWABOUT A SONG OR FIVE?
This week's column is about the Supreme Court because it couldn't not be about the Supreme Court. But also, because this is my first column after winning the National Press Club award, I felt like I needed to make it extra fun. And what do people like? (Hell if I know; that's why I'm bad at people. But let's say...) Singalongs!
So I rewrote some classic patriotic songs for some of our Supreme Court Justices (even though they'll never see them, so arguably I really wrote them for you)(although in some sense, I also wrote them for me because song parodies are fun), and hope you will enjoy the exceedingly creatively named
. . . Patriotic songs for the Supreme Court
At the risk of going all Nietzsche chapter titles ("Listen, Man: Why I make such cool references"), I'm proud of this week's column. Putting in "Nixon, too" for "Next to you" makes me want to slap the side of my song parody and rant about craftsmanship or automobile sales or something.
WE INTERRUPT THIS NEWSLETTER FOR A SPECIAL REPORT
A floating glowing spider just floated by in the space between my face and the computer screen.
I presume it was not actually floating, but riding a combination of web and wind (from my open window or the ceiling fan)
I presume it was not actually glowing, but merely illuminated by the glow of my computer monitor against the 3am darkness.
I presume it was actually a spider because (Note to Debbie: Please do not finish reading this sentence) at this point our house pretty much always has spiders.
But factual presumptions aside, when you're up in the wee (wheeeee!) hours of the morning and a glowing spider floats by in the air in front of you, you have to stop and take notice. And possibly write a quick song? Let's try:
Spider, man, Spider, man!
Floating by with great elan!
First he glows, then he's gone,
Technically, it's pronounced "elan"
TOO LATE
There goes that spider, man.
In retrospect that song would have gone better if I'd started with "Spidermon, Spidermon" ("Jamaican spiders?" "No, mommy and daddy spiders makin' spiders, I just makin' songs!")(We regret these credits, the people responsible have been sacked.) Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway (Gooooooooooooooo to hell), I guess that's the end of this newsletter, not with a bang, but with a whimper (You may think you know a wimp, but I'm wimper.)(Did I mention I injured myself on a Triscuit last month?) Thanks as always for reading, back in two weeks with another column, and always remember that with great power… comes a great power bill (unless you have solar).
A Fortunate Sun,
Seth