So a bear walks into a bar and says, "I would like... ...a beer."
And the bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
And the bear says, "I was born with them."

Not my joke, but it does make me smile, so you'll have to bear with me. Especially for this issue, since the topic du jour is bears. (Sadly the soup du jour is not bears, which is a shame because bear meat is delicious)(at least from what I remember from 30 years ago when my best friend had invited me for bear stew because his family went hunting sometimes, and it was one of the best things I'd ever eaten)(although I do not recommend 30-year-old bear meat)(hard enough to find a 30-year-old bear)(and how would you even know if you’re not there for their bearthday?)

Anyway, bears. 'Round here these parts, we have bears on the brain occasionally because they are around (around and afurry!) and potentially dangerous. Had another sighting in the neighborhood just the other week. We got a brief minute of national fame a decade ago when our local PD had to urge residents not to drunkenly chase bears through the woods.(One wonders if residents are encouraged to soberly chase bears through the woods, or drunkenly chase deer)(the things people will do for a buck)

I once did a verse on a rap song as a bear, which began with the couplet, "In bursts an ursus and the curses fly // I'm the meanest leanest G of genus ursidae" (I know, it's a shock that my rap career never took off.) And as Stephen Colbert (or Colbear) used to say, they are godless killing machines. And all of this accumulated evidence (I realize calling hearsay and rap lyrics "evidence" may seem like a stretch, but I didn't say it was convincing or reliable evidence) of bear danger only strengthens the point that is about to be made.

RETURN OF MAN OR BEAR

As you may know, two years ago there was a meme going around asking women if they would rather be in the forest with a random man or a random bear, and suffice to say many women would opt for the grizzly fate. This question has been making the rounds again, because as I alluded to last week, men apparently can't stop being terrible. And that, along with my dismay at the usual suspects laugh reacting news articles, spurred this week's column:

• Live, Laugh, Bears

Although "Live, Laugh, Love" was a popular aspirational motto two decades ago, today national love shortages have put that out of reach for many people. If you are wondering how there can be a love shortage, you may have missed recent CNN reports on the large numbers of men who cannot seem to treat women as people. Unsurprisingly, this has decreased women's interest in the company of men who share this worldview, in favor of women (or even bears, a silver lining for the ursine community).

...

Many people seem to find their laughter right here in this newspaper, and I don't just say that because of my column. Here are just some of the laugh-inducing Berkshire Eagle headlines that raked in the "Haha" reacts on Facebook in recent weeks:

"Hancock Elementary School feels the loss of school choice students"
"How Pittsfield’s homeless encampment ban became an outreach-first plan"
"Endless waitlists: A look at the growing primary care crisis in the Berkshires"

Even on articles about food banks running out of funding, the laugh reacts pour in. You might ask if this could be a mistake, but although Facebook puts the buttons annoyingly close, anyone who had an accidental slip of the finger could easily say, "Oops, I just hit a laugh react in response to people lacking food/housing/medical care when I meant to hit a care react! I'll fix that right now so people don't think I'm a heartless jerk devoid of empathy who laughs at the suffering of others."

I suspect a lot of people will dislike this column, but since many of them will be the same people laugh-reacting every local news article about an LGBTQ+ event or person, I am okay with that.

POETRY CORNER

April was National Poetry Month so I've just finished writing my usual 30 daily short poems, which is more poems than I write for the rest of the year combined. I could look at that and say it's sadly minimal output for the year (I mean, understandably minimal since there's no local poetry mic any more so my main impetus for production is gone, and I only occasionally do the columns in rhyme)(in short: it could be verse).

But instead, I think I could just say hooray for months that make me do something I enjoy! I feel the same way about my Alphabetic Boardgaming Challenge in September, a month which now contains more boardgaming for me than the rest of the year combined. (Clearly I need to figure out what National Walking Month is -- actually I just Googled it and it's May. How's that for serendipity? I walked to town yesterday, which is a good start, so maybe I can walk every day in May since clearly I won't keep that up for a whole year.)

Anyway, a few lines from a poem I wrote last month:

I failed better than ever before
to the point where I mistook it for success
because I could only see all the mistakes
I wasn't making

EXIT, PURSUED BY A BEAR

(Or a pink puma, even!) That concludes this unbearable edition of my newsletter. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and hopefully confirmation that I've actually managed to go for a daily walk in honor of National Walking Month, which is more important to me than any other holiday I just found out about a few minutes ago.

(Although if there's a National Wok-ing Month, that may take precedence.)(Google says no, but March is National Noodle Month.)(Also May is apparently both National Salsa Month and National Egg Month and American Cheese Month (meaning cheeses made in America, not the plasticene junk called "american cheese"), which I guess means it's time for migas)

Anyway, now it is time to hibernate, even though it’s not National Hibernation Month. Bidding you all pleasant walking weather and not drunkenly chasing bears through the woods. (Chase them through the mall!)

Still 5.5 On The Old Ursometer,
Seth