FACT: If you make the same joke in three newsletters, you have to call the third one an oldsletter.

That joke isn't very good but I'm able to tell it with great confidence due to a trick I learned from my stand-up comedy days. (Or I guess more accurately, from someone else's stand-up comedy days, who then told it to me in my stand-up comedy days)("Do you even remember who or when?" "No, I was in a stand-up comedy daze.")

Anyway, the secret is this: You focus on the table laughing. I know what you're thinking, "But Seth, what if I don't have any anthropomorphic furniture?" Well, chair up, you'll get some eventually. Meanwhile, you focus on the table of people laughing even and especially when there are multiple other tables of people who are very much not laughing.

TABULA ROCKSTAR

Why should you do this? A few reasons. First and foremost (or possibly fourth and onemost; I don't always in order do things), as I mentioned, it's a great confidence booster. You are going to have a much better time if you focus on the people enjoying your offering than if you focus on the people who aren't, because SPOILER the world always contains some of both.

Secondly and threemost (I've decided having the numbers add to five is quintessential), it puts your focus where you can do the most good. Trying to please people who start out not liking what you're doing is often a lot less fruitful than trying to please the people who already like what you're doing. If you've ever seen a business (or a democratic party) ruin their offering because they've severely adjusted that offering in fruitless attempts to please people who weren't gonna be enthusiastic customers regardless, but in doing so managed to lose much of the special thing that appealed to you and most of their base, then you know I'm right.

And third and twomost (and two hard boiled eggs), if you keep focusing on the people who most enjoy what you have to offer, they are the most likely to convince other people it might be worth enjoying. At a comedy show, maybe that means they laugh so hard that the tables around them start laughing too. Or if not, maybe one of them tells a friend later.

All of which is to say, you focus on the table laughing.

INVISIBLE AUDIENCE

Of course, when you're doing something that's not live performance you don't actually get to see the tables, which you might think is a hindrance to answering the question of whether people enjoy what you're offering. But I actually already know the answer to that question, and so do you, because I mentioned it just a couple paragraphs ago: Some people are gonna enjoy it, and some people aren't. And you focus on the table laughing.

For example, when I write this newsletter, I know most people aren't going to subscribe, and of those who do, some will still never open this email, and of those who do, some are going to think my newsletter is stupid (yes) and only keep reading it because they like me as a person (Hooray! Come join me for a walk this summer.) But there's a small group who I have to imagine find it funny, and so I write this newsletter specifically with you in mind. (Hooray! Come join me for TWO walks this summer.)(Presuming we also already like each other as people.)(If we like each other as furniture, the whole thing's off.)(Unless it's anthropomorphic furniture!)(Let's table that.)

Interestingly (at least to me)(who does he think he is telling people what's interesting)(and honestly, if you have to say, "this is interesting" it's a bit of a red delicious apple, if you know what I mean), this is also the reason I often find it easier to speak to, or write for, crowds than for one person. If I write a newsletter to dozens of people, I can confidently presume someone is going to find it funny, or I can invite friends for a walk and presume at least one of them thinks that doesn't sound like a terrible idea. But if I'm just addressing one person, I lose all that confidence, because then the odds go way up that MY ENTIRE AUDIENCE does not appreciate anything I am saying.

Terrifying! And that's why you should always have an imaginary table of people laughing.

COLUMN AS I SEEUMN

Hey, what is this, an oldsletter?

As if this newsletter didn't already have enough parentheses, this week's column is all about brackets:

The March Dadness Tournament

"Welcome back to DSPN, the Dad Stuff Preferred Network. I'm your host Pops Dweezil, and joining me for our March Dadness coverage is Ray Jay James."

"You can call me Ray. Or you can call me Jay. Or you can call me RJ. Just don't call me late for dinner!"

"Sure won't, Ray. The main course tonight is the Naturally Dadlike Archetypical Activities Tournament, so for everyone who just submitted their NDAA brackets, let's dive right in with a look at the Dadmonitions division, where we've just finished our first game."

"And what a game it was! Huge upset in the war of the warnings as Don't Make Me Turn This Car Around managed a fourth-quarter victory over #7 seed over If You Fall Off And Break Your Leg Don't Come Crying To Me."

"Strong start for Don't Make Me, who will go on to play the winner of the open door grudge match between Were You Born In A Barn and I'm Not Paying To Heat The Whole Neighborhood."

...

"Which brings us to the Classic Dad Lines division, where Glad We're Not Going That Way avoids getting traffic jammed by That's Not Going Anywhere, who just couldn't manage to tie down the win or slap home a victory."

"And so Glad We're Not will go on to play the winner of tonight's battle of the bills between What's The Damage and Guess It's Free Then. Ray, who do you like?"

"Pops, for that matchup I'd have to give it to Guess It's Free Then, who have a very strong offense, according to cashiers having trouble ringing up an item."

"And don't sleep on I Was Just Resting My Eyes, who could very well get up off the couch any minute."

Last Banner column:
We must protect the children

PARTING IS SUCH SUGAR SADS

But it's a lot more fun if you try to say "Such Sugar Sads" five times fast. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and I apologize for having something potentially useful and relevant to improving your life in this newsletter. You can bet that I'll do my best to avoid that in the future, because you didn't sign up for useful advice, you signed up for nonsense!

Flibberty-Splorp,
Seth