Q: What's the difference between a model Canadian and an art model in India?
A: One freezes in their Sorry's, the other wears saris in their friezes.

The best part about performing for a non-paying audience is that I feel absolutely no guilt about writing really terrible jokes. (If I do feel any guilt, it's the fact that Canadians tend to pronounce sorry as soary, thus slightly ruining the joke. Thankfully, it wasn't very good to begin with, so nothing of value was lost.) If it's any consolation, sometimes I think of jokes that are too obscure or too much of a reach even for me.

For example, just an hour ago, I was in the kitchen singing, "Now you're just somebody that I Ustinov", because the best way to improve a 14-year-old song is to make a parody of it about Peter Ustinov, whose name was in my head even though I had absolutely no idea who he was. I googled him just now and apparently he was an actor who died over two decades ago. But anyway, next time you're annoyed that you don't get my references, please know that I am right there with you, also not getting my references.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE FAULT IN THE CREDITS. THOSE RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED.

Apologies are a strange sort of thing (especially Plato's Apology, which is not the sorry kind of apology, but the Greek "apologia" meaning "a spirited defense because I'm not sorry at all actually")(a usage of the word "apology" that remains very popular today with assholes worldwide), because of standing. (I mean you could sit while apologizing, but some people won't stand for it.)(And you definitely shouldn't lie in your apology.)

Apologizing for your own bad actions is always appropriate. (I mean, nothing's "always", there's probably a situation where apologizing only makes things worse, like the end of Spaceballs where they keep apologizing - "Please be quiet." "Sorry." "Don't be sorry, be quiet!")(and also apologizing is only worth much when it's backed by intent and ideally ameliorative action, otherwise it rings pretty hollow)("Welcome to Rings Pretty Hollow, the finest jewelry store in Sleepy Hollow! We've got necklaces for the neckless!")

But apologizing for the actions of others is sort of a mixed bag. And if I can try to sort out the bag, I might say the edible parts are apologizing for our own inaction and failure to do more to curtail bad actors, while the other part is just more of a "sucks that those people did that but I'm not like them, I'm better", which might be a little bit harder to swallow.

THE ONLY SECTION ABOUT OUR TERRIBLE WORLD

I've been thinking about this not infrequently over the past year (oh my god it hasn't even been four months, Trump really did destroy this country in record time) as I've seen a lot of apologizing to the world from Americans and I definitely feel the impulse because our country is e.g. driving genocide, and I would also like to disassociate myself from that. (To be fair, I'm dissociating a lot lately, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.)

But I guess I'm just not sure how helpful it is for someone who has suffered greatly to hear the apology on behalf of. Like, maybe it is good because they should know that not all Americans hate them just for existing? But also maybe it is annoying because when your family has just been killed and your home destroyed, it's not always helpful to have the neighbors pop over the fence and say, "Oops, sorry about Donny, sometimes he gets off the leash and makes a little mess. Toodles!"

Actually, just writing the preceding paragraph made me feel guilty enough that I went and donated to UNRWA, because I'm pretty sure "I didn't vote for him" isn't enough. (I'm sure small token donations to assuage guilt also aren't enough, but at least it's something and will let me finish this newsletter and go think about something else.) Likewise, I recently saw the latest gross and triggering report from CNN about the vast popularity of rape among men which is enough to make me want to become a lesbian, but I think I'll settle for a small donation to RAINN and I'm still ahead of usual for the week thanks to earning some money from last week's best man speech.

SOMETHING NICE FOR A CHANGE

Hey, I got to write another best man speech last week! I continue to really enjoy doing those, and if I could just magically find a new client every week, I'd give up on the corporate stuff because writing wedding speeches is more fulfilling for me. It's that combination of having a client praise how I tied the threads together, and having that pride of craftsmanship from ending with a good joke and a callback, and the adding positivity and love to a world that sorely needs it, and occasionally also helping a client avoid disaster by giving a speech that is impersonal, boring, or horribly embarrassing for the groom and boy I'm glad I was there to suggest a certain thing not be included.

Also, it's Spring! My favorite week! Debbie and I celebrated with our first patio lunch of the year over the weekend (We had larb, which was very tasty)(might as well face it, I'm addicted to larb), and tomorrow I'm meeting up with a friend for a walk, and with my book manuscript and taxes all done and dusted, I'm well set up to actually enjoy myself for a week or two.

WHO'S THIS CLOWN?

I even wrote a column that wasn't about our terrible world! It was about our terrible me, or I guess more specifically, my obsession with being the It clown but an absolute idiot at the dog shelter. In other words, I may be Pennywise, but I am

• Pound Foolish
  

One of the difficulties of being aware of the world is that the world is really loud. "Hey World," I found myself yelling the other day, "Turn it down!" Admittedly, that's because someone in my neighborhood had decided to use their leafblower between the hours of 1pm and 7pm. Like, for all of the hours between 1pm and 7pm. You could probably just pick up the leaves individually by hand and still finish in under six hours, and even if you shouted at the top of your lungs the whole time it would be quieter.

Anyway, one of the other difficulties of being aware of the world is that it gives you a sense of perspective. Perspective, of course, is the dreaded concept that people always use to tell you that your problems don't matter. "Sure I ate your sandwich," they say, "But try to keep a sense of perspective."

I'd rather have kept the sandwich. Because perspective has a way of making our efforts feel meaningless. For example, last year I bought a giant box of kitchen trash bags that turned out to be slightly too small for my kitchen trashcan. However, with effort they can still be stretched to just barely fit around the top of the trashcan, as long as I'm willing to engage in a struggle.

As a freelance writer raking in tens and tens of dollars from my humor writing every week, I can't justify giving up on a $20 box of trashbags that are still functional. So every week, I get to fight with the trashbag which is stuck too tightly around the trashcan. Yes, I have another box of larger trashbags. No, I can't just use those instead because then I'd be giving up on these and wasting $20. For the low price of $20, I have bought myself two years of weekly annoyance.

PADDY O'FURNITURE

But even those troublesome trashbags can't spoil the morrow, because I plan to celebrate the good weather with more patio dining, my favorite kind of dining. Spring has put a spring in my step, and I hope all of you also find some time to enjoy the lovely weather. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and I'm glad I looked up Peter Ustinov so I don't just keep singing, "Now you're just somebody that I Ustinov" without knowing what roles he played.

Now You're Just Somebody That's Hercule Poirot,
Seth