Hi friends

I’m still not too well, so do excuse any typos in this, because you can be sure I’ll cringe to death about them later when I find them! Also, to preface this by saying none of this is advice, this is just what is working and not working for me.

I have had what can only be described as a turbulent few weeks for the ol’ mental health. Funny how not that long ago I was having a bit of a humblebrag on here about being happy for once. Well, don’t ever tempt fate. As ever, life goes ‘psyche!’ and before you know it you’re crying at adverts for pet insurance (true story).

Yup, I’m burned out yet again. Every two years the same old story. The world’s worst Biennial. The Ren Burnout Biennial. There are no prizes here.

I find that burnout isn’t like being hit my a truck - instead it’s like being slowly, slowly submerged in dirty water. So slow you don’t even really notice it, save the discomfort of being a bit damp… I get sadder and sadder and consider what could cause it. My alexithymia basically does this in answer to the question:

With no clue as to why I’m like this, I go on and on until the cliff edge. Then fall fast. Falling can look like not being able to get out of bed, try as you might. Having negative reserves of energy, just drawing a complete blank. For me, it’s a mental block. My body, which I don’t really feel connected to as I’ve mentioned in previous newsletters, will do the bodily equivalent of shouting at me ‘we can’t do this anymore! You need to sort your shit out because this is not working!’

And I have to take notice at that point.

I found myself a few weeks ago just unable to face the day. It wasn’t my first rodeo, and I’m lucky in a way that I’ve been through this before, because

a) I know what it is now (I’m not broken! I’m autistic living in a system not designed for me! On the whole I’m actually doing really fucking well and it’s a slight miracle I’m even here!) and

b) as I’ve been through it before I know what works for me and what doesn’t.

This is what doesn’t work for me:

• Scrolling on my phone. I hate to repeat what you’ve probably read about elsewhere, but it’s a trope because it’s true. The phone is not good for you. The phone, like any sedative, numbs you and makes your brain mushy. The scroll is designed to keep you looking and looking and never finding what you want (do you even know what you’re looking for?). The scroll will never scratch that itch, so you’re left feeling brain-itchy and searching for more of that dopamine that the first video or post you engaged with gave you. It is just like drinking in that sense. It deadens a brain that is already pretty fried as it is.

• Staying still on the sofa. The temptation to just lie on the sofa under the blanket watching daytime TV is strong. Again, that newsletter I wrote one time a few years ago about not feeling a mind-body connection and identifying more as a floating head plays a part here. I genuinely forget that movement can and does make me feel better. Instead, sometimes I try to convince myself that re-runs of ‘Bargain Hunt’ will feel better than a walk. It doesn’t (though my knowledge of antiques has definitely improved….)

• Ignoring it and feeling shame when I acknowledge it. Ignoring being burned out is a recipe for disaster. Sure, my alexithymia does make it challenging for me to realise when I am burned out and when I’m not. But I’m also guilty of being fully aware of being burned out and just sort of powering through like a bull in a china shop. Do you know that bit in ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ where Dennis tries to will away his illness by saying ‘sickness be gone!’? That is literally me sometimes when I’m blatantly burned out and refusing to admit it, whilst looking like a melted candle.

Here’s what works for me when I am burned out, drawn from many years of data:

• Dragging myself out into nature. I’m fortunate to live near a reservoir. The other day I managed to get out of the house (huge achievement considering) and ended up at the reservoir where I saw two terrapins. In Greater Manchester! Who knew? There is something extremely soothing about feeling at the end of your tether, going out into nature and seeing animals just going about their lives. You may feel like your world is crumbling, but look at those ducklings! Stuff is happening! Life can be awful but also filled with magic at the same time. Wild!

• Moving in some way. Walking is good for me and I’m finally accepting that. If I don’t feel like walking, even just getting up out of the sofa every so often can help, just to see another part of the house. The temptation to just sit and stare is overwhelming. Seeing another angle of the living room, or stretching my arms up to the ceiling can make things a tad better.

• Creating something. My sketchbook lives in the sofa now with a pencil. I have made a lot of sketches that will never see the light of day because they are terrible, but that is absolutely not the point. Getting the creative brain whirring again with no pressure whatsoever releases something, some sort of hormone (I don’t know, I’m not a scientist, I’m a random on Substack). But it makes me happier. Imagining stuff, creating silly things, it’s like reversing your car our of the burnout cul-de-sac and back onto the motorway of life (appalling analogies are back this week folks).

Small little changes. In fact that’s what it is isn’t it? Introducing changes into your world again very slowly, because the ideal when you’re burned out as an autie is for everything to stay the absolute same. You want your safe foods, your safe textures, your safe spaces etc (and so do I! Give me my loose fitting clothes and my room and pass me the pasta!). But ultimately, to feel better, change has to occur, at least for me.

Little by little, keeping up a bit of positive momentum and experiencing a little joy every day until I feel a bit more like myself. Recovery isn’t linear, and like Asda I can roll back, so the main thing I always try to remember is to try my best to be kind to myself. Sometimes that’s harder to remember than other days, but I’m getting there.

(Also hooray! I finished this newsletter! Off to celebrate with a lie down.)

Thank you for reading!

Here’s some stuff about me:

• My website is www.renriley.co.uk, a place I am cultivating to be the centre of all my stuff online. It’s still early days, but you are welcome to bookmark it for future and you can also send me a message which is more reliable than Substack DMs!
  

• My Patreon is www.patreon.com/cw/RenRiley. Here you can support my creative work at different membership levels (I don’t offer paid Substack subscriptions). I massively appreciate the support, it allows me to keep this newsletter going, spending quite a large amount of time on it and making my other projects like my zines. It has allowed me to become a better writer too, so thank you.
  

• My Etsy shop is https://renswavystore.etsy.com. Here you can find my two poetry zines: ‘Through the Window’ and ‘Your Flowers’, plus my new zine snail mail club ‘Wavy Mail’, and an option to ask for your own custom scribble (bizarrely nobody has ordered one yet, cannot think why…..)

Thank you for your support. My Wavy community matters a lot to me. See you next week kids!

Take it easy,

Ren