Hi friends. A very different one from me this week. This is more of a piece of creative writing, so if that isn’t your vibe then no worries, I’ll see you next week.

I wrote this when I felt a certain way. I’m proud to report that I don’t feel like this now, but I probably will do again, and that is ok.

If you feel like this, know that help is out there. In the UK, Samaritans is available to speak to any time on 116 123.

The air is thick. I am in a swamp, trying my best to slowly wade through to dry land. I’m finding it hard to keep my eyes open, and when they are, there is a heavy veil of grey all around.

The words people say make little sense to me. They are distorted or muffled or sound far away, despite being stood right in front of me. They do not appear to be in the swamp as well, though they could be, for all I know.

It is difficult to breathe in the swamp. Everything is all encompassing and I feel like I might pass out. Thinking clearly is also a challenge. I am putting so much effort into wading that I have no energy to make decisions. The exhaustion is overcoming every muscle in my body and I’m close to collapsing into the water. I just want to sleep for a thousand years and float away somewhere.

All food tastes of nothing. I am ambivalent about every song I hear. I can’t ignite that spark inside of me that thirsts to experience life, learn something, love something. I can’t bring myself to feel anything. My emotions are completely inaccessible. I’m not sure where they have gone. There’s just a void.

It is embarrassing to be wading through the swamp again. I thought I had left it alone some time ago. I had made it to the other side and pulled myself out. Looking back, I told myself I never needed to do that again and I was going to avoid that situation in future.

Maybe I am misremembering. I didn’t quite pull myself out of the swamp, I had the help of other people. That’s funny. No one knows I am back in the swamp. I’m not ready to tell them yet. I try my best to hide it from them, which is funny because it’s literally a massive swamp, how can they not see?

This wasn’t a conscious choice. Who would actively choose to do this? I have a life to lead, responsibilities to fulfil, stuff I need to do. As ever, it is massively inconvenient. Not only do I feel the need to mask my neurodivergence, but now I also need to hide that I am up to my neck in swamp water.

Sometimes I find myself drowning. It takes a while for me to notice because I don’t really care and I’m tired. It slowly envelops me until I finally clock that I’m going under. In these moments I have to stop trying to wade forward and kick to the surface instead. Not forwards, just up. Static, but alive.

There is an edge to the swamp, where it finishes and dry land begins. I know because I have been there before. I have no idea how I have found myself here yet again. Perhaps I fell in backwards. It doesn’t matter how I got here. The important thing is to get out. Every day a few more steps, voices sounding clearer and colours looking brighter. Little by little.

I will reach dry land, the veil will lift and I will be alright again.

Thank you for reading!

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Take it easy,

Ren