I’ve always operated against a backdrop of tiredness. Even as a kid, I would drag my feet and groan every time my mum would tell me it was time to go somewhere else. Inevitably, it led to me internalising this feeling that I’m ‘lazy’ (which is another subject for another substack post in the future). It’s almost become cliché in this day and age to speak of your tiredness. Most humans function like panicked ducks, gliding on the surface for all to see, looking after their children and doing their job and partaking in their hobbies and eating their nice bread (ducks, am I right?). Meanwhile, down in the water their little webbed feet windmill wildly trying to stay afloat, keep up appearances and avoiding splashing themselves in the process.

Like many on this earth right now, I have attempted to be a duck, or rather a fully functioning, thriving human of the neurotypical variety. My diagnosis of autism and ADHD a few years ago shattered those illusions initially, but then the toxicity of capitalist productivity once again seeped into my brain and convinced me, for a period, that although I am neurodivergent and thus the world and its ways are not designed for the likes of me, I had in fact ‘pushed through this far’ so I wasn’t actually disabled at all. If I coped before, surely I can keep on coping. As you can imagine, this line of thinking has led to spectacular results.

Of course not, I write this having had to once again take some time off work due to experiencing the most visceral autistic burnout of my life so far.

For about 18 months straight I’ve been experiencing what I would term ‘chronic exhaustion’. It has gone beyond tiredness, beyond fatigue. It is the sheer lack of energy and of any life force. It comes and goes in waves. It brings with it physical pain, mental fog, and a severe decrease in my abilities to mask my autism. It should have come as no surprise to me, when I finally dragged myself to the GP, that the doctor should humour me whilst I explain the exhaustion in detail, and how it was causing a lot of strain in all areas of my life, for her to suggest that perhaps its psychological. I knew what she was getting at.

The problem is where does burnout leave us? This past week I have made sure to not just rot away, I have both rested and been lightly active, in the sense that I have left the house every day, I have got out into nature, I have read a few books. I am now writing this on the brink of going back to work tomorrow. I am lucky in that my work situation is very accommodating, more so than most, and I feel especially privileged in that regard. I know what will happen though. I’m a chronic Type A personality, and if I’m not doing my best in absolutely everything I do, then what is the point? Therefore, this addiction I have to productivity, to giving it 100% at all times, leads me back to burnout.

Here’s the cycle:

TRY HARD > BURNOUT > FEEL BETTER > TRY HARD > REPEAT

So is this it? All sorts of pressures, from financial to professional, mean that currently I can’t make any big changes in my life. So I’m making as many little ones as possible. I hope, like cumulative interest, they all stack up and make a positive impact on my life. Hopefully, if I get my shit together for long enough, I can write a part two to this post that details the changes I am making. Do let me know if you would like that, and thanks for reading.