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A year ago I found myself drinking a lukewarm bottle of Birra Moretti in a hotel room. I’d travelled down to Birmingham for what was supposed to be a treat, an event I’d been looking forward to for ages. But as ever, in the run up to the day I had lied to myself and others about how much I don’t like travelling, or being away from home. The curse of AuDHD - wanting new experiences but never wanting to deviate from your routines.

Although the event itself was enjoyable, the travel and logistics surrounding it sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Despite me saying that I wouldn’t drink on this trip, I found myself with a bottle of beer. Old coping mechanisms die hard.

The Liquid Scaffolding - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts

Alcohol and I don’t mix

I’d have tasted more flavour if I had stuck my head out of the window, opened my mouth and caught the rain that was falling down in droves. Of course, it wasn't about the flavour. It was about the numbing of the whirl of thoughts in my head, and it was about the buzz. Only recently there had been no buzz. Where there once was buzz, there was heartburn. A curious development, along with other peculiar reactions to alcohol, like experiencing raging hangovers after literally one drink. Not fair, but, and I know this sounds more than a bit woo-woo, I think these reactions may have been my body’s way of saying ‘Ren, grow up, pack it in now.’

I’ve explained in previous posts that I have done long stretches of sobriety before, but periods of burnout, plus other awful life experiences such as grief led me back to drinking, where I could give the ADHD part of my brain the novelty it craved through altering my mental state, whilst shutting up the catastrophising and ruminating that my autistic thought patterns love to stoke.

This time however, I needed it to stick. In Birmingham I realised it was done, I couldn’t do this anymore.

I'm autistic and I am 9 months sober. This is what I have learned.

No longer waking up with a mouth that tastes like a landfill is a plus.

The past 12 months have been hard work. I mention in the article above about the insidious nature of alcohol advertising in the UK, and our backwards societal view of alcohol. It makes for quite a challenging environment to get and stay sober. Every day proves a fresh challenge, and it’s really surprising how you can go for days without thinking about alcohol then bam, something really run of the mill will set you off, like walking down the alcohol aisle of a supermarket. Whoops, shouldn’t be here, better go decompress amongst the baked goods. Cake makes everything better.

I have no real insight into how to stay sober, and I’m not going to get all high and mighty, I very well might fall off the wagon tomorrow (though I bloody hope not). All I know is what the lovely folks at r/stopdrinking on Reddit will tell you: take it one day at a time. Another good piece of advice I read was to accept that you have an issue with alcohol, rather than thinking in a black and white way, ‘Am I an alcoholic or not?’ Us auties have a tendency to think in black and white terms, and in this case it isn’t helpful. Instead of thinking ‘do I fit this criteria?’, it might be easier to think ‘Is alcohol causing me problems in my life?’. If the answer is yes, then maybe reducing your intake or going sober could be a good course of action.

(This is not professional medical advice, I literally have a BA in Politics, I am of no real use).

I hope you enjoyed reading this one. As ever, the goal with the Wavy Thoughts newsletter is to share my experiences as an AuDHD person so that at least one person feels a bit less alone. Maybe my chronic oversharing tendencies will actually do some good in the world? (Or maybe I need to zip it, who knows?).

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Until next time,

Ren